Bitterness and Resentment

Discuss the lasting impact from HG on moms and babies: long term health issues, child development, and other ways HG continues to impact your life.

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Bitterness and Resentment

Postby reverendmama » Dec 04, 2012 10:02 pm

I just spent a half hour typing a long rant and the computer ate it. Going to go cry now. Anyone else feel resentful and bitter that family didn't help you? I'm noticing that, instead of having a giving heart and loving spirit, I'm making comparisons and feeling very stingy. I don't feel like going out of my way for family because I feel like they really let us down. I don't understand how they could sit by while we suffered so much. My husband says that they just didn't get it, plus they all live far away. But, I still think that they could have done something to help us. HG was emotionally and financially devastating to us. I'm finding myself getting angry about it almost every day. I honestly don't want much to do with family at all. It's making me feel pretty badly about myself. I don't want to be this person. :( Anyone else? Any advice?
Lucky mama of DD1 11/2000, DD2 12/2005, DS 12/2007 and expecting someone new in April 2012
HG Survivor X 3...working on surviving X 4.
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Re: Bitterness and Resentment

Postby joy_g » Dec 05, 2012 12:08 pm

oh, girl. this is such a hard issue for many of us.
first of all, DH needs to get on board and validate your feelings, if possible. i know, i know...men. but still, try to help him understand that he doesn't need to defend THEM in this case.
i have, at various points here with #2 and #3, had a couple family members profoundly fail me. probably almost everyone around here has. a real trial like HG definitely sifts out the helpers from the 'well-wishers' among our circles, doesn't it?
and i have felt EXACTLY the same way!! i don't want to be that bitter, resentful person. no matter what happens, and what they do or fail to do, that's not who i want to be.
i'm assuming from your screen-name that you are a practicing christian. if not, feel free to disregard this next. (of course, you can feel free to disregard anything i say... :wink:) i have prayed almost every day for a more charitable view of certain people. not that i in any way forget what has happened, but i want to see them as God sees them, with a balance of faults and strengths, and be able to focus on the strengths regardless. i think sometimes we confuse being forgiving with being stupid and ignorant. you don't have to be blind to the shortcomings of a person in order to love them and feel positively about them. i have prayed for that, that i can still be kind and loving and who i want to be. truly, He sees the wishes and desires of our hearts. if in your heart you do NOT want to feel this way, then pray for that burden to be taken from you and replaced with the feelings you want. you don't want to feel stingy and small-spirited. and that in and of itself is a step in the direction you want to go.
at the same time, it's normal to feel abandoned after what you've gone through. don't beat yourself up for experiencing the natural pattern of things. you were helpless, and they didn't help. don't forget that, but use it to become a better person than you were before. don't let the helpless around you feel that same pain. and continue to pray for the giving and loving spirit you desire. by acting on that, you'll become the person you want to be, and He wants you to be.
just call me Mighty Mom. (mighty what i'm not gonna say.)
DD May 2008
DS New Year's Eve, 2011
DD May 2013 HG 5w-delivery every single time.
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Re: Bitterness and Resentment

Postby liberty_rose » Dec 08, 2012 1:44 am

I am so glad you started this thread.
My in-laws did a huge amount for me and my then husband and his twin sons (from his first marriage) during the pregnancy in that they fetched meds and took care of the husband and two boys. The in-laws were involved. The husband managed to take out the garbage and go to work. But supportive? No.

When my health insurance lapsed during the pg, DH would not help me get it reinstated. We are divorced now. Toward the end of my pregnancy I was informed by MIL that I better get my tubes tied, I could have no more children. FIL said if I ever got pg again, he was moving to another town.

Last year I fell ill with vestibular migraines and was unable to care for Delilah, so we were temporarily trapped at inlaw's house. They suddenly treated me like absolute dirt. I was told they were done helping me and basically, all the resentment they had experienced from dealing with HG they had saved up from the pg *4 years ago* and it was now going to be dished out at me. And that because they had to "just take it" then, that I had to now.

I let them know I would not. That if they were going to be in my daughter's life, things like that would not be tolerated. FIL apologized to me, which I thought was going to mean a big change, but it didn't. They don't treat me like crap but we really don't talk anymore. They are my only childcare once a week, and exH pays child support/alimony while I work to get my degree. He deigns to see his child maybe once every week or two (after being offered much more).

They are great to my kid.

And I am doing what I can to move on. I have no other community and support just isn't there, except for counseling. I just joined a church. I am very nervous about it.

So yeah, I get the resentment.
angel baby: 04/07
angel baby: 09/07
Delilah born healthy 9/08/08.
HG for 8 months, 4 hospitalizations for dehydration and a broken back. Zofran every 4 hours. Also PUPPP for 10 months. Now a single mom.
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Re: Bitterness and Resentment

Postby joy_g » Dec 08, 2012 6:51 pm

wow, @liberty_rose! that is a lot of nastiness for your former in-laws to be carrying around for years. yikes. talk about poison...that's taking the rattlesnake to your chest and nursing it for years. i can't believe people live like that. well, i can believe it, but i sure wouldn't want to. how horrific for you to have gone through that.
on the other hand, and this is in no way meant to sound pat or even particularly applicable in your case -- i have found HG to be a handy sifter of relationships. would you really want to have put years of effort into your relationship with these people, when that is what they are really like? i, for one, want to focus on strengthening friendships and supporting those who are truly worth the effort... who will come through for you in a crisis, and support you when you're down. you could spend years pouring time and energy into a relationship that's not worth a dime when the hard times come. haven't we all? it's nice to at least know they won't be there for you, so you don't have to be particularly concerned about them either, or if you are, it is with open eyes.
just call me Mighty Mom. (mighty what i'm not gonna say.)
DD May 2008
DS New Year's Eve, 2011
DD May 2013 HG 5w-delivery every single time.
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Re: Bitterness and Resentment

Postby vcase » Dec 09, 2012 2:23 am

Yea must be something about inlaws. My FIL told someone at the dr office that he raised my oldest DD. EXCUSE ME?!?!? 30 weeks I needed help she is 5 that hardley means you raised her. My MIL asked me why didnt I force food down so that way if I threw it up at least some of it would stay down....geee why didn't I think of that. My step-grandfather asked me how much weight I had lost I told him and he said "sure didn't hurt you any" :evil:

My husband broke his leg last December when I was around 5 months pg while coaching basketball and part of me really resents that. It is a volunter position and I was at home barley able to take care of myself much less my 5 year old. I guess part of me feels if he had been at home helping me it wouldn't have happend. MAybe I am just bitter to. I can understand him needing to get away. Must have been nice to have had that option.

My baby is 8 months and three days old and I am still bitter. I don't know that it is every going to get any better. HG was less severe the first time and I don't remember it being this bad.

I am also bitter I never got to be fluffy. I would see women at the OB and they would have on make-up and thier hair all done up...I'm all like I showered today...managed a toothbrush...I am bitter I have to be so afraid to get pregnant again even though I would love another baby.I feel like the decision to have more babies, or not, is being taken from me.

Well see your not the only one...there is my rant to
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Re: Bitterness and Resentment

Postby Cin » Dec 13, 2012 1:52 am

It has taken me years and years to work through my resentments -- and still working through some of them.

The news of the Duchess' illness brought a lot of them to the forefront, and am getting through that this week.
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Isaac, 10 -- NVP
Naomi, 8 -- HG
Edward, 4 -- avoided clinical HG through aggressive pre-emptive treatment and pure luck (aka medicated fluffy)
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Re: Bitterness and Resentment

Postby keow0508 » Jan 23, 2013 3:31 pm

I know I am late to this thread but I am feeling so much resentment these days ... I just left a friend with her newborn at the hospital and I would LOVE another baby. But I really don't think I can do it again and my husband certainly doesn't think he can do it again (yes... :roll: but I do respect the heavy role he has to take when I am out of commission and the fear he has for my health and mental state if it is worse this time). I am pissed that our families won't step up and make this possible. I am still struggling with certain friends who never were there to help or even check on me. I am mad as I workout and diet because my body doesn't work like it should and I deal with my stomach issues/migraines/inability to eat certain foods even 20 months later... UGH. Damn HG for making things so difficult when it should be such a joyous thing. I know I am so fortunate that we got pregnant easily and now have 2 amazing little boys, but seriously, when I imagine a fluffy pregnancy not protocols and other nuances of HG I am so angry (despite the fact that I would NEVER wish HG on someone).

Cin- When you say you have been working on it.. do you work with a therapist or just on your own. Any recommendations!?
Katie

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Re: Bitterness and Resentment

Postby krsweetpea » Jan 23, 2013 6:07 pm

Hi! I'm late to this thread and have no advice, but I am absolutely dealing with this.
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Re: Bitterness and Resentment

Postby Cin » Jan 24, 2013 6:28 pm

Katie, I saw a therapist for awhile, and it really helped.

My husband and I also do couple's counselling -- I am slowly, slowly working through how FURIOUS I was with him for emotionally abandoning me during the first HG pg.
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Isaac, 10 -- NVP
Naomi, 8 -- HG
Edward, 4 -- avoided clinical HG through aggressive pre-emptive treatment and pure luck (aka medicated fluffy)
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Re: Bitterness and Resentment

Postby HannahBean » Feb 20, 2013 4:04 pm

Cin, "emotional abandonment", I think that's the word I've been looking for, thanks for sharing it. My DH is very active around the house, he works, picks up my DD from daycare, makes or picks up dinner, does the greater bulk of chores around the house and then does it all again the next day. So I often feel guilty and whiny when I ask him if he couldn't just dig a little deeper and find it in himself to actually be "nice" to me too. I know I am lucky to have a husband that is so hands on, but............ I feel like I am his enemy. He doesn't make any effort to understand the horror that I'm going through, to ask about it, learn about it, or even ask how I'm coping or show any genuine sympathy. His conversations with me are barely conversations, short and clipped and I can often feel his resentment just seething under the surface. He constantly says "can't you just....", as in just prep dinner, or just just do some other chore, at times when I can I can barely roll over on the couch without vomiting. He knows that I can't, but asks anyway, and I get a strange vibe that he is just asking so that he can snap at me for it again when I say I can't. He never says it directly, but his general standoffish hostility makes me think that he thinks I am exaggerating, like I could get up and do more if I just tried harder. It makes me so sad, like, is this what he really thinks of me? That I would do that? Why would he think that, when he knows from 13 years of togetherness that I am normally a very active, hardworking kind of person and HG is like a prison to me. Ugh.

We talked about this after my first HG pregnancy. He was helpful then too, but there were many times I would vomit until I just collapsed into tears on the bathroom floor, and he would just walk right on by the door without a word. He promised he would try to be more emotionally supportive when we decided to try again, so we went ahead with it, things were ok at first, but he just can't seem to keep up any sort of facade of compassion. I know that this is hard for him too, and I tell him so, and thank him constantly for all that he does. I want to believe this is just a "man thing" but that excuse feels a little hollow. I just feel like it has created a rift between us and I don't know if I will ever be able to feel as close or trusting of him emotionally as I used to be. Am I overreacting? Anyone else feel this way?
Hannah 8/17/09 HG wk5-22, MS wk35-38, IUGR/Preeclampsia-induced 38 wks

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"A hand fell on my shoulder and a voice said reassuringly: 'Cheer up, things could get worse'. So I cheered up and sure enough, things got worse."[/color]
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Re: Bitterness and Resentment

Postby Cin » Feb 25, 2013 6:19 pm

You are exactly describing what happened between my DH and I.

He worked from home, so while out two older boys were at day care, he would do his thing, and utterly ignore me, retching up blood and sobbing in the bathroom.

He would constantly pressure me to go back to work, because he was afraid I would lose my job. But my employers were wonderful about my illness, and had me on 100 per cent pay sick leave.

He could be very mean and huffy when I couldn't make dinner, or change a diaper, or help put the boys to bed.

It was better in the second HG pregnancy, because we had talked about it -- but my illness was also a good deal less, and I was able to continue to work.

In the end, it took a lot of counselling -- I was so, so angry with him -- and it would pop up to the surface when we were fighting about something else.
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Mom to Alex, 12 -- NVP
Isaac, 10 -- NVP
Naomi, 8 -- HG
Edward, 4 -- avoided clinical HG through aggressive pre-emptive treatment and pure luck (aka medicated fluffy)
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Re: Bitterness and Resentment

Postby HannahBean » Feb 27, 2013 2:29 pm

Thanks again for sharing that. It's good to feel not alone in it all. I guess I'd like to think that even the best of marriages would suffer under the weight of HG. It is so horrible and feels like it just lasts forever, and then is immediately followed by all the work of a newborn, which is hard regardless of the happiness at finally holding that baby. I look at my daughter and am so fiercely determined that there has GOT to be a more effective treatment by the time she wants to have kids.
Hannah 8/17/09 HG wk5-22, MS wk35-38, IUGR/Preeclampsia-induced 38 wks

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"A hand fell on my shoulder and a voice said reassuringly: 'Cheer up, things could get worse'. So I cheered up and sure enough, things got worse."[/color]
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Re: Bitterness and Resentment

Postby xrittle » Mar 03, 2013 11:44 am

Thank you for this place. I needed a place to let this out. Pleading with my husband has done no good. He refuses to stop cooking, he battled me about the lights and he balked at my cries the medications didn't fix it all. He's had me up all night vomiting from the smell to care for my 4 year old till he gets off work. I can't shake the memories of crawling on hands and knees to the bathroom to vomit after making food and snacks- or the day I collapsed on the floor and couldn't get up. I kept pinching myself to stay conscious and whispered songs to my kiddo to keep him from worrying. My DH told me we had the MW appointment the next day, so we could see what they said then- no we did not go to the ER.
There is so much resentment from being wakened daily to go to the bedroom, so he could shut the door to cook. After another time asking him to stop I remember hearing him say, "Mommy's going bed. We get to turn on all the lights and watch Tv, Buddy!" I've never felt so isolated. Worse was the day the MW told him we couldn't take the trip home to see the family (23 hours one way). He packed my meds in the car and told me if I wanted to stay I could go get them. We lived on the 3rd floor. I can say I resented that 46 hour drive.
Things are improved. Now he makes lunch/snacks, and we moved into a 3 bedroom. I get to sleep in a bed- far better than a couch. That means more rest and space away from flashing lights. Now to get past the bitterness.
DS Feb 08: Non-HG
Due date 22July13: HG 7- 22 w
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Re: Bitterness and Resentment

Postby Cin » Mar 03, 2013 11:53 pm

xrittle -- what you are describing borders on, or may be, emotional abuse -- and ignoring your MW's medical orders and forcing you to take a trip that could have harmed you physically is abuse, IMHO.

Big, big hugs -- I think some couples counselling, now or after baby,would be wise.
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Mom to Alex, 12 -- NVP
Isaac, 10 -- NVP
Naomi, 8 -- HG
Edward, 4 -- avoided clinical HG through aggressive pre-emptive treatment and pure luck (aka medicated fluffy)
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Re: Bitterness and Resentment

Postby leahmsilverman » Mar 04, 2013 6:24 pm

Seriously xrittle. That makes me feel like I want to go all nut cracker on your husband. He needs a reality check, and fast. Some couples counseling would probably be really smart. Or, just start vomiting in his shoes. Whichever.
DS 12/22/08, hg from 10wks to birth
DS 09/15/10, hg from 6wks to birth
DS due in 08/2013, hg from 4wks to birth
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Re: Bitterness and Resentment

Postby joy_g » Mar 04, 2013 8:07 pm

@leah you're my kind of gal. :lol:

i vomited into the kitchen sink once -- on top of the dirty dishes -- and managed to completely clog the sink up. took DH 30 minutes and a second round of cleaning the next morning to get it useable again. and the stench! he wasn't being particularly awful or anything, but it sure would've been a great reward if he had been!! go for it!
just call me Mighty Mom. (mighty what i'm not gonna say.)
DD May 2008
DS New Year's Eve, 2011
DD May 2013 HG 5w-delivery every single time.
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Re: Bitterness and Resentment

Postby joy_g » Mar 04, 2013 8:11 pm

HannahBean wrote:Thanks again for sharing that. It's good to feel not alone in it all. I guess I'd like to think that even the best of marriages would suffer under the weight of HG.


i absolutely second that feeling! i think in general i am blessed with a strong marriage to a great man, but dang...he's not a great caretaker of the ill, especially not the long-term ill. sometimes i want to strangle him, but i never have that much energy to spare. i totally agree, though, that going through something like HG (or cancer, or any other big-deal illness) definitely exposes the cracks and fault lines in any relationship. not just marriages, either, but extended families and friends, too.
just call me Mighty Mom. (mighty what i'm not gonna say.)
DD May 2008
DS New Year's Eve, 2011
DD May 2013 HG 5w-delivery every single time.
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Re: Bitterness and Resentment

Postby xrittle » Mar 05, 2013 12:43 pm

I lolled after reading your posts, ladies. Ty for that. Next time he'll get a shoeful. ;) I think I'll opt for counseling to let go of my anger and stay hydrated so it doesn't seem so frustrating.
DS Feb 08: Non-HG
Due date 22July13: HG 7- 22 w
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Re: Bitterness and Resentment

Postby Kayfroebel » Mar 15, 2013 1:43 pm

I can honestly say that my relationship has improved since this pregnancy. We were married in October of 2012 (baby was conceived IMMEDIATELY after). He had lost his job back in July, and since then he had fallen into a funk. When we found out I was pregnant at the end of October, we were terrified. Not only because I had so many issues in my first pregnancy, but also because he was out of work and I was the sole source of income. By mid November, I was struggling hard to go to work. I went, but I was dropping weight fast. By Thanksgiving, I was taken out of work. The next two months were difficult. He was struggling with not having a job, and I was struggling with being at home all the time (I am a work aholic). When my health did not improve, it was like a switch had flipped. He went out, found a job, and suddenly became my lifeline. He cooks all the meals, usually two separate dinners because I could only stand certain things. He gave up most of his favorite foods to select healthier options that didn't have a strong smell. He gets up with my daughter every morning, gets her ready, takes her to daycare, goes to work, comes home on his break to help me, picks up my daughter and comes home and cooks dinner. He does all the cleaning. He won't allow me to do anything because every time I try, I make myself sicker. He never gets a day to relax, and I hate that. He is burnt out, but he never takes it out on me. I have bad insomnia so every night he curls in bed with me and we watch TV together, or play a video game (he is BIG into video games and I play them because he likes them so much). Honestly, it is a wonderful bonding time, and I know that the only reason I was able to save this pregnancy is because of him and my family who have also been amazingly supportive.

While he is beyond amazing, my work is not. I am stressed to tears about work. As a workaholic, I have spent years shaping my career to what it is. I was out all of December and most of January. I was then cleared to try and go back and went back for two and a half days. I lost 8lbs in those 2.5 days and ended up severely dehydrated, ketones registering at 150. I became dizzy after vomiting for twenty minutes and passed out in the bathroom and had to be rushed to the hospital. So while I was diagnosed as severly dehydrated and malnourished, and topped off with a pretty nice concussion, and my boss and coworkers was upset that I would have to be out again. I have been out ever since. I know I have been out for a long time, but I have not received a SINGLE card, or note, or email, or even a simple text seeing how I am doing. My coworkers, a few of which I considered very good friends and were at my wedding have completely cut me out. Not a word. One even went so far as to say pregnant woman did not get this sick and that I was being dramatic. Excuse me, I have $115k in medical costs (thankfully covered by insurance) and lost 37lbs? Dramatic am I? I would like to show her dramatic....

My boss will call occasionally to see if I am well enough to come back, (NOT the same as seeing how I am doing) but those stopped after my week long hospital stay in Boston last month. My FMLA ended on Monday, March 11th, and I am awaiting my termination letter. It stinks because I loved that job, and I made really good money. We are just hoping it comes with some sort of severance package that continues my healthcare coverage until at least the baby is born. If not, we will be SOL.
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Re: Bitterness and Resentment

Postby Kayfroebel » Mar 15, 2013 1:43 pm

leahmsilverman wrote:Seriously xrittle. That makes me feel like I want to go all nut cracker on your husband. He needs a reality check, and fast. Some couples counseling would probably be really smart. Or, just start vomiting in his shoes. Whichever.


I vote option 2!
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