Our Stories: Loving our Angels, Looking for Peace

Help with physical and emotional healing for moms who have suffered loss.

Moderators: justme, ***, deb

Our Stories: Loving our Angels, Looking for Peace

Postby justme » Nov 10, 2006 9:44 am

Part of why I post here is because I am truly grieving, and always will be. But the other part is because I want others, both those who have hg and those who don't, to understand how awful hg is, so that they can feel less alone, or be more compassionate to those in their lives that have it. I also want them to understand that sometimes we are forced to contemplate and make decisions that we never would have imagined, such as termination. I want them to understand that we love and miss and grieve our babies, and thus be prompted to help us in whatever way they can: through helping with more research, better medical care, better family and friend support, better grieving support. And I know that many of us browsed these stories before we could feel comfortable to share ours. So if you would like, please add to this post your story: your hg experience, your loss experience, how it is affecting you, how it has changed you. Or if you don't mind, and can copy them from previous posts to add. My hope is that if enough people want to share their stories, we can make this a sticky to help out our newcomers and give them the courage to post and ask for the help they need and share their stories so others will know what hg and loss can mean.

So these are our stories. These are our angels. We share them to give you hope, to give you support, and to let you know that hg and loss, whatever kind of loss it is, leaves us aching and longing . . . and changed.

Thank you,
Karen
Last edited by justme on Nov 14, 2006 4:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby justme » Nov 14, 2006 4:22 pm

Ten years ago I suffered from HG. I was in and out of the hospital put on Home Health and was pescribed Phenegran (yuck). I made it through 9 horrendous months and 28 hours of labor and ended up with a beautiful daughter. For years my husband and I decided one child was all we were meant to have because of how much I suffered with my first pregnancy, but as time went on I wanted another child and my daughter wanted a brother or sister. For about 6 months my husband and I carefully discussed having another child. I researched, prepared, and spoke with my doctor. I was told there were many new drugs ( Zofran) that the didn't use when I was preganant 10 years ago. After 4 months of TTC I became preganant. We were all elated I was so looking forward to having another child that I even bought a few things because I couldn't not do it with my first. At about 5 1/2 weeks I became ill. The vomitting was not as bad as in my first preganacy but the pain was. I was dizzy, dehydrated and could not even make it to the bathrooom without help. I cried constantly because I though that I could handle this again...unfortunately I couldn't. I made the heart wrenching choice to terminate at 7 weeks pregnant. At the clinic where I had the abortion during the ultra sound my husband wanted to make sure I was prepared to go through with it. My heart cried out no but my head told me I had to. For the few days after my termination I was so happy to just feel normal, I could take a shower without help! And then the emotions sank in and since that time I am in so much emotional pain. My whole family has been soooo supportive, they know I terminated and told me that after seeing me this time they were afraid I would not make it. Even though I have the support I feel like I let my husband and daughter down...they were both so happy to find out we were having another child that I cannot keep thinking that I chose myself over my baby. I am hoping in time this pain will go away.
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Postby justme » Nov 14, 2006 4:28 pm

When I was pregnant with Riley, I threw up everyday for the entire 9 months. They told me it would go away after the first trimester, then they told me it would go away after the second trimester, then they told me it would probably last the entire 9 months. It did. I barely made it to work most days, and then I would come home, throw up in the bushes outside my house because I couldn't make it all the way home without throwing up, and open the door to see my faithful cat who would see it was me and run right up to the bed because she knew that was where we were going. I swore I would never get pregnant again.

3 years later, I really wanted Riley to know the joy of having a sibling, so my husband and I began ttc. We gave ourselves a time limit because of our age (I'm 33 and am personally afraid of the 35 time limite). In the last month, we did it.

Between having Riley and getting pregnant again, I had developed a thyroid disease, IBS, and some intestinal problems. If only all of your doctors could get together and have a conference and say hey, not such a good idea.

I soon became very ill very fast. My doctor gave me a prenatal vitamin with B6 in it. They did a US to make sure everything was okay. The tech quickly turned off the heart monitor and said it was too early to tell, but it was obvious there was something wrong with the heartbeat.

I went back to the doctor and my husband assured the doctor that it was not normal for me to throw up this much, and that I had a problem with it in my first pregnancy. Also, through tears, I told my doctor that I was having a problem with depression. He said he was going to give me antidepressants. Then he said he couldn't, it wasn't good for the baby. I assured him that it wasn't going to work out to well for the baby either if I killed myself. He told me to "get fresh air", "wash my hands a lot so I don't get the flu", and "congratulations".

4 days later I was admitted to the hospital to be rehydrated. They let me go home the following day with a very low blood pressure and the admonition that I should drink plenty of water, but to be glad because hyperemesis meant that the baby was fine.

Although I had eaten and kept one meal down in the hospital, as soon as I got home I had dairhea (sp?). I quickly became dehydrated again. I couldn't even drink a sip of water without throwing up. And I was losing weight fast, in part because the hg made my thryoid go all wonky, and because I couldn't keep anything down.

A couple of days later I got a thing in the mail from the hosptial about Hypermesis, basically telling me to eat whatever I wanted as that was what worked best for us HGers.

I soon started having anxiety attacks, although I didn't know that was what they were. This burning sensation kept happening in my chest and arms and I was terrified. My heart was racing.

One day I called my husband almost every hour, crying, telling him that I couldn't stand the pain because my stomach hurt so bad both from being hungry and from vomiting so much. I told him I wanted to throw myself down the stairs, and then I did. Luckily, we have a very short staircase and its narrow, so I just bruised a little and went on. But he was very concerned about both my physical and my emotional health.

We began discussing a termination, something I never thought that we could even consider. But my husband was terrified that I was literally wasting away, dying.

Again I was in the emergency room.

My dd, Riley, began having emotional problems, behaviour problems, and nightmares. I couldn't take care of her. I couldn't sit up. I couldn't stand up. My neighbor took her to school, picked her up, and kept her until my husband came home.

We saw my thyroid doctor and we saw another OB-GYN, this one did terminations should we decide to go that route. I prayed for a miscarriage. I talked to my pastor (who threatened to put me into a mental hospital).

At my next US we learned that the baby measured at 6 1/2 weeks. I was supposed to be almost 10 weeks. 3 days later, we went in for a d&c.

After I got home, I laid on my bathroom floor and cried for hours. My husband played with Riley so she didn't see what was happening to me. My neighbor finally came over and played with Riley so that Tim could carry me to bed. Later, I would learn that Riley had taken my neighbor by the hand that evening and showed her the spare bedroom where she said, "this is going to be the baby's room."

I have spent the last month seeing lots of doctors. I am on anti-depressants, beta blockers (it turns out my body is producing too much adrenaline and causing my resting heart rate to be way above 100), and medication to control stomach acid. If I cough, Riley runs into the room and says, "Are you going to throw up? You're not sick anymore are you mommy?"

Although Riley knows that we are not going to have a baby, she is still very concerned about it. She always says, "babies don't eat suckers, only big girls eat suckers", or whatever activity she is doing. We believe that our baby was a girl, mostly because even before I knew I was pregnat (but actually was), Riley started saying, "I'm going to have a baby sister soon."

We have named our baby Casey Lee, and we love her and miss her. I spend a lot of time thinking about the things that she will never see, do, or say and wonder who she would have been and how she would have changed who we are. I have prayed that she is in heaven with God, and being a Christian I know that she is and that we will one day all be reunited as a family. I wish that her very short life would have been more peaceful. But she will always be my baby.

Casey Lee - EDD 9/04/06 (this date was actually revised to an earlier date but I keep it at this date because Riley's bday is in August and want her to have her own month).

Karen
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Postby Kariinbliss » Nov 16, 2006 9:08 pm

I'm so sorry for your loss. Don't know if you wanted replies to this thread or not, so hope you don't mind. I'm a couple of days away from the EDD of my 3rd angel, and am kind of a mess. After 2 healthy children (surviving HG barely) we had decided no more. About 10 years later, we changed our minds. 8 months of TTC brought us what was going to be our little boy. Yup, the HG hit again. Worse than ever. The doc didn't read my old charts or give me the meds that had worked with my younger child. At about 10 wks, after a couple of ER trips and a hospitalization and IVs in the office, they put me on home health. My IV line failed the second night, and it took 3 sticks to get a new one in. I just sat and cried to my dh and the nurses (yeah, they called in backup) that I just couldn't do it anymore, that I wanted to die. I remember praying that God would take the HG away, even if it meant taking the baby as well. He did. I was healthy as a horse the next day, but knew the baby was gone. Had my first d&c a couple of days later. Since I am a stubborn girl, I decided to try again... this time armed with info from this site (which I didn't have before). Sure enough, I got pg last winter... but lost that baby 3 days after my bfp. Ok, I guess it happens. Then I ended up pg again 6 wks later! What a miracle! And FOR SURE God would not take 3 babies, right? I was sick with hg, developed an infection from an IV site, was hospitalized... but thought our little blessing and I would make it through this time. I went in for my 9 wk checkup and everything looked GREAT. Uterus was growing, etc. When we got into the u/s room and on the table, I had a panic attack. I told the doctor I was scared to death that something was going to be wrong again. I almost ran out of the room, I was so scared. He assured me that I had done everything right, it all looked good, and we'd see a good strong heartbeat on the u/s screen. He was wrong. The baby had died a week earlier. My body had just not registered the death yet. It took another week for my body to deliver my last little angel. I had my tubes tied because I honestly didn't feel I could survive another LOSS again... not because I feared the hg. I still can't see babies or pg women without wanting to cry my eyes out. It isn't fair. Hard to explain, but it makes living every day tough. I keep thinking this week I should be delivering my little baby, not having a stupid period. (how's that for irony?) My younger daughter has not left my side since my first loss... she is afraid if she leaves, I'll get sick again. Not real healthy in an almost 12 year old. My older child gets sad about it now and then, and dh doesn't talk about it at all. I'm glad this site and this thread is here. I honestly wouldn't have made it this far without everyone here.
5x HG mom to:
Amy... born 1/20/92
Melissa... born 2/13/95
Alex... returned to heaven 6/20/05
Angel... watching from heaven 2/2/06
Peanut... safe in the Father's arms 4/24/06
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Postby deb » Nov 17, 2006 4:48 am

a little over a year ago i found out i was pregnant with our first child. it was a planned pregnancy and we were very excited. dh and i had gone through some hard times the last two years, with him (he's australian) moving to a new country, learning the language and looking for work, and we were really ready for something good to happen to us. but things didn't turn out that way..

week 6: i started to feel a little nauseous. at that point i was still hoping i'd be spared the regular morning sickness, but i took it as it came.

week 7: nausea got worse every day.

week 8: i couldn't believe how sick i was feeling! i basically stopped eating

week 9: very sick, very thirsty, very tired, lost 2 kgs incredulously wondering how so many woman could stand to live through morning sickness. felt like an absolute failure. got an appointment with the doctor who gave me some meds and the instructions to just eat whatever i felt like and try to drink as much as possible. 'coke usually goes down quite well'.

week 11: the meds had helped some at first, but things got worse anyhow. lost 2 more kgs. asked for new meds, tried one, they made me go CRAZY. after that bad experience i just went back to the old meds. i was so wasted i couldn't think or take care of myself.

week 13: the nausea let up a little! i stopped taking the meds (they were doing funny things to my moods and i was so glad to be rid of them). i thought i'd passed the magic 12wk mark. however, things never got all the way better like they were supposed to. around this time i realized that my 'morning sickness' was probably quite a bit worse than the regular stuff.

week 14-22: this was probably the worst time for me, emotionally. i wasn't as sick anymore, as i had been at first, i was off the meds, and eating some and eventually gaining. but, it wasn't enough to recuperate. i was very fatigued and spent all those weeks in bed just trying to eat. every week i'd hope that next week would be better, but it never was. i was going in circles, eating, puking, sleeping.

week 23: we moved to a bigger apartment. people around me had started asking if we'd gotten all the baby things we needed (haha, very funny, i'd love to go shopping now, just stick me in wheelchair and cart me around while i sleep/eat/puke). however, that week, i miraculously did start feeling better. i went shopping once! my clothes didn't fit anymore, i started wearing dh's pants and jacket. i was showing and i was proud. my head started clearing a little and i was able to think a bit more clearly.

that week: we had our 2nd ultrasound appt. no heart-beat. i was sent to the hospital, they gave me pills to ready my body for the induction the next day and sent me home. my whole family (parents, 3bros, 2SILs, 3 nephews) came over that evening and cried with us. one of my SILs was pregnant too, about a month behind me. she sobbed. it was so good to have them there..

march 3rd 2006: i was induced in the morning and our precious baby was born in the afternoon. a girl, as we then found out. dh had been hoping we'd have the first girl in the family, and we did. we called her Jessica Heath. we had her cremated and put her ashes in with a potted japanese maple that we bought in memory of her.

since then, i have spent many many hours crying and grieving my child. i am a mother now, and i will never forget my firstborn child. i miss her terribly. but, i have also grown very much since then. i have gone through terrible pain (both HG and loss count as that) and i am still alive and breathing. i still have hope. i don't know where all of this is going, but as a christian i believe God will use my pain and experience to do good, somewhere, sometime.

i found that in dealing with all of this, i actually had a harder time at first facing the HG aspect. i knew about death and knew of ways of dealing with loss, but i had never experienced any sickness as debilitating and life-robbing as hg. it's not until i came here that i found out my 'bad morning-sickness' had a name and a description, and knowing this has helped me tremendously.

we still want to have children and will ttc when we are ready. this time, i will be prepared...

(by the way, SIL went on to have another healthy BOY. i was so glad.. there still is hope for us to have the girls in the family :) )
deb

*jessica heath - hg, stillborn 3.3.06 at 23wks
*levi issachar - hg, 17.11.08
*sela enoch - hg, 4.6.10


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Postby deb » Nov 17, 2006 4:53 am

this is a poem i wrote a few months after jessica had died. i shared it earlier in these forums but wanted to put it up here as well.

......

you should be a mother
i say to myself
when i look at my face in the mirror

a healthy face
no trace
of the sickness that raged
that kept me from loving
enjoying my child

there were times i thought
i couldn't take it anymore
i wondered
if she died, would it all be better?
would i go back and try again
and be healthy this time
there were times i wished
it would happen
i felt no happiness
only tears
i wished she were gone
wished i had my body back
to myself

but sometimes in between i knew in my heart
the love
anticipation
i wanted her

it'll all be worth it in the end
they said
all the tears, the sickness
you'll forget it all
the minute she's out
they said

she died
i can't forget

so hollow
those words ring in my head
worth it? she died
and with her my sickness
but now my heart is sick

sick to remember the days i wished her dead
how could i know it would really happen?
how wrong i was
to think her death could bring me relief
could ease the pain
stop the tears

no guilt i feel
God took her, not i
but there's regret
it's hard to remember
that some days i wished it would happen
and then it did
hard to remember the joyless days of waiting
hoping the misery would end
and then it did
and a new one began
no worth i see in that

yet, do i wish she had never lived.
how could i?
i have a child in heaven
a beautiful child
alive
she changed my life
there must be worth in that
deb

*jessica heath - hg, stillborn 3.3.06 at 23wks
*levi issachar - hg, 17.11.08
*sela enoch - hg, 4.6.10


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Ok my turn - updated story.....

Postby BethersinMN » Nov 18, 2006 2:17 pm

Ok my turn. I had posted my original story back in 2004 in stories of hope before I had lost my 3 angels. But I will give a brief update on that and then explain what has happened thus far.... In my first marriage it was very abusive and I survived HG (i don't know with that man) and I had a beautiful son Justin who is 10 1/2 now. HG hit at 9 weeks and lasted throughout the pregnancy. I was to the hospital 40 times. No home health care at that time or wasn't suggested and I didn't know about it. I truly thought I was carrying an alien or something. When Justin was 7 I remarried my angel Kevin. We have custody of my sister Patty who has mild downs' syndrowme she is extremely high functioning and is the little doll of our house. My mom had died 6 months before I married Kevin and we took custody of Pat. Well on May 21, 2004, at 4 or 5 weeks I miscarried our first angel, and then in Nov 2004, I had to have a termination at 10 weeks due to extreme stomach pain. It was like intestional blockage or something. I couldn't even swallow soup. HG hit at 7 weeks with that pregnancy. Then we decided to do it again and in July of this year 2006 I had to have another d&C because of my stupid stupid OB and her carelessness and thoughtlessness and the fact that it was all about the money UGH!!!! Let me explain. I had met with her in September of 2005. She told me HG was not brain surgery and that she would get me through it. Then when I made my first appt in June her office manager calls me and tells me she is canceling my appt because my insurance was slow about paying the claim from the Sept bill. I just cried. She told me either I pay the bill in full or I find another clinic. I called back and spoke to my dr's nurse. They decided I would have to pay it. Ugh! $400. I wasn't working and was on bed-rest so this was just great and HG was hitting hard. It hits for me about 7 weeks. Then for my appts it was never with my dr. always with her nurse. Then if I called with a question for my dr. the nurse always called back and tried to find an answer. Then the week we lost the baby that Monday we went in and I was so nauseous little did I know it was from ZOLOFT WITHDRAWAL AS SHE TOOK ME COLD TURKEY OFF MY ZOLOFT THAT I HAD BEEN ON 7 YEARS!!!! I had been throwing up and unable to eat or drink for a week. My dh is asking her questions and she just kept saying i don't know. I said this is awful I don't know if I could ever do this again and she says I THINK THAT'S A GOOD IDEA!!! UGH!!! Don't claim to be knowleged in HG if you don't know the first thing about it lady! Ugh. Then she tells me not to be upset with her office manager that she has a hard job. Ugh again!! Then she drops the bomb. I won't be able to induce you but one of my partners will probably as I am due now a month before you. I just cried. It got worse towards the end of the week and I was in and out of the hospital and not eating and cramping either dehyrdration or I was miscarrying. I hadn't eaten or drank for a week. I was throwing up blood and in so much pain. :( They had me on morphine. I called my dr. as my blood pressure was so high and I was told i could die. :( So I called my dr. to ask for some suggestions. TO THIS DAY I HAVE RECEIVED NO CALL!!! So I had to go with what they were suggesting and I terminated again. :( I had panic attacks so severe and I wanted to die in my sleep. I am back on my medication. It is safe for pregnancy. If I can come to ever ever ever forgive myself, I know you girls that have terminated have told me you went on to have your baby and forgive yourself but you only terminated once. I did it twice girls! Twice. What kind of person does that. :roll: Like I said if I could ever forgive myself or if not forgive maybe deal with it, then maybe with a group of perientologists from the best hospital here in MN I will try again for an angel love for Kevin and I. I want it more then life itself but I need to forgive myself or deal with it and realize I had a bad dr. and no choice at the time. :( Here is the website of the peri's that I would go with if I do this again in 1 -2 yrs. http://www.abbottnorthwestern.com/ahs/a ... _perinatal

Thanks for reading.
Bethers
BethersinMN- Justin 1/9/96 SEVERE HG (9 wks-36.5 wks) Ryan 4/18/09 (HG & Severe Preeclampsia and Hellp at 25 wks emerg c-sec 29 weeks) and 4 beautiful angels 05/21/04, 11/16/04, 7/28/06 & 10/6/12 forever loved with God & my parents till we are all together. We have begun another journey to bring another Baby-Love home. God please grant us faith, strength, courage, patientence and love through this each and every day.
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Postby Kariinbliss » Nov 18, 2006 3:16 pm

Bethers... I'm so so so sorry, darlin. Please go easy on yourself, you honestly didn't have a choice. You had to save yourself, since your doctor wasn't saving you. Take care, big big big hugs to you. And a one-way ticket to HG island for the doc.

Love and hugs to everyone. I'm sorry anyone has ever had to go through the double hell of HG and loss.
5x HG mom to:
Amy... born 1/20/92
Melissa... born 2/13/95
Alex... returned to heaven 6/20/05
Angel... watching from heaven 2/2/06
Peanut... safe in the Father's arms 4/24/06
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Postby gaia1100 » Dec 03, 2006 4:43 pm

Bethers- I am SO sorry for the nightmare you have endured. :hugs: I can't believe your doctor! You should not feel guilty or fault yourself for saving your own life. You had a TERRIBLE doctor lacking any form of compassion and apparently any intelligence. :twisted: And why would she tell you the manager has a hard job? Who cares how hard her job is- she's being paid to do it. :!:
I have also terminated two pregnancies, although for two very different reasons. I terminated at 11 1/2 weeks in July of this year. I didn't know anything about HG and had just moved to a new state- no family, no friends. My doctor was TERRIBLE! I made the heartwrenching decision out of fear for my life. These doctors don't realize their actions, or lack thereof, have such an impact on our pregnancies and lives.
Please don't blame yourself for what happened. It was the doctor's fault- blame her.
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Postby IslandDreamer » Mar 16, 2007 11:04 pm

:hugs:
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Postby justme » Nov 30, 2007 10:01 am

If you ever feel that you can, please take a moment to add your story here. Many women come here looking for help and answers, and they read our stories before they ever sign up and post. Our stories help them know that they are not alone . . .

Karen
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Postby Maganb0819 » Jun 08, 2008 9:30 pm

I am 22.
i lost the first when i was 16. i was only 8 weeks and my boyfriend at the time hit me in the stomach and cause me to loose that baby.thats my little angel.I don't know what it was so it just an angel.

I lost my second baby when I was 18.I started going into labor @15 weeks. we had only been married for about 6 months. My husband was discharged from the navy 2 weeks earlier.i called my dr and told them that i thought that i was in labor and i needed to come in. Well i ended up going to the er becuase we couldn't get in touch with them. i had to be transfered to a hospital that had a nicu because that hospital did not even have a maternity ward. when i got to the second hospital the drs finally showed up. they put me in the gyn. ward because they said that i was not far enough along to be in the delivery ward. i wanted to know why they were not trying to stop it. Well after my water broke( went thru everything with no drugs) i knew that there was nothing they could do and my baby was not going to be ok. they moved me to a delivery room. after about an hour, a nurse came in there and i thought that i was going to throw-up but with the squeezing of my stomach he was born. We named him william. He only weighted 3 oz. that was march 2003

In june 2004 i was 20 weeks,19 yrs old, and the whole pregnancy i was in the hospital with hg. i had lost almost 100 lbs. everything that went in my mouth came right back out. the new drs had decided to leave me in the hospital and put in a picc line. well my oldest half-sister was pregnant with a girl too(she is 36).well after having gone thru everything with hg the drs wanted me to see a peranatologist. so the nurse came in the room and used the doplar and found her heart and after she did that she took me upstairs to the dr.s office. with in the 5 minuets it took to get up there i felt the baby kick really hard. i didn't think about it.so the ultrasound tech was looking at her, and got up and left. didn't say anything. next thing we know the dr came in there and started looking. she looked at me and said simply." you've had another miscarriage".i lost it.i called my family, told them.they induced me to deliver her. and the next day, i did. she weight 12.8 oz.That was three years ago today.That is Katies story.
Now my sister who was pregnant the same time, well she decided that since she had a girl too, that i did not need to have anything to do with her daughter that was born fine 3 months later. i think that the worst part of her even coming up there to see me was that the whole time she was there she was rubbing her stomach. the worst part about her being related to me at all was the fact that about a year ago she found out that she was preg. again so she calls me and told me she didn't want it and that she couldn't take care of another baby and that she was going to put it up for adoption. well after we talked to a lawyer and we were getting ready for this baby, well they found out that it was a boy and her husband told us that we couldn't have it he wanted a boy and did not care what happened to it if it was a girl.Well we don't talk anymore. After she said that it was stupid to name my babies, i decided that i did not want to be around her anymore.

Jan. of this year i found out i was preg. again(22yrs old) and i have been scared to death. yes i have had bad hg this time but no where near as bad as the last one. so i still have to go to the peranatologist. so about two months ago, we go for a reg visit to her. she started looking like she did when she couldn't find a heartbeat.this baby has to have surgery as soon as she is born because she has a mass in her stomach and will not be able to eat until it is fixed.

i just want a baby. that i can take home and enjoy. is it really that hard. I am the only person in my family that has ever had a problem with having kids. Why me? What did i do wrong to have all these problems?Why can't i just bring home a normal healthy baby?
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Twelve years later

Postby jennifer21 » Jun 20, 2008 5:12 pm

It's been twelve years since my son was born after suffering through an HG pregnancy. You would think I would be over it by now, but I'm not. Maybe if I write about my experience it will help me to cope with everything I went through and in the end possibly give others some hope too.

I have had three pregnancies in my life - I developed HG in all of them. I could not handle it and ended up terminating the first two at approximately 7 to 8 weeks along. I felt a tremendous amount of guilt after those terminations, but I have come to terms with them. This was in the early to mid 90s - my doctors told me it was psychological and made me feel like I was crazy. I had to go to an abortion clinic to terminate because my Dr. at the time would not do it. After going through the second termination - the Dr. that performed it said to me "you won't use abortion as birth control any more, will you?" I couldn't say anything, I just cried. He didn't know that I wanted that baby more than anything, I just couldn't handle being that sick anymore. I felt so weak for giving in. I felt like I took the easy way out.

Shortly after this, I woke up one night out of a sound sleep. I sat straight up in my bed and saw a little boy standing next to me. He was glowing - a blue/white light. I was in shock at what I was seeing and when I looked closer, streaks of light went in to the ceiling and he was gone. I woke up my husband and told him I just saw our son. I felt comfort and peace and knew that one day I would have the child I so desperately wanted.

Three years later I finally mustered the courage to try again. Of course, the HG came back. I was hospitalized. Medications didn't help, but I was determined to stick it out this time. I kept seeing the image of that little boy who came to me that night and he gave me the courage to continue. The HG lasted until I was about 22 weeks along. My son arrived on his due date, a healthy baby. Twelve years later he is almost as tall as me and the light of my life. I thank God I was able to make it through that third pregnancy. I decided never to try again after that, it was just too traumatic.

I have mourned the babies that I lost but somehow, somewhere I found the strength and my body allowed me to finally have my child. To those of you who have experienced losing your babies to HG, please keep the faith and hope that one day you will have your child too.
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My Hg Story

Postby Temfugito » Aug 03, 2008 10:34 pm

Well, I was 19 when I got pregnant with my boyfriend who later on became my husband and now he and I are seperated. My boyfriend was much older than me, and prior to us meeting, he was made temporarily sterile because of the side effects of an immuno-suppressant he had to take to control his auto-immune disease- which he had taken for over 6 years and had been sterile ever since. My boyfriend didn't take into consideration that if he were to decrease the dosage of his medication it would effect his non-existent sperm count- e.g. with a decreased amount taken he would no longer be sterile....he would just have a much lower sperm count than that of a normal guy. And since he was unintentionally ignorant of such a possibility, I got pregnant. I am pro-choice, and always will be- even with my emotional experience of having to terminate a pregnancy. But despite that, I too, will always be grieving for the child who would be three this coming November. It was about 2 and a half weeks after my child's conception, that I was brutally onslaughted with HG. I remember it as clear as day, the first attack of the debillating symptoms that were to ensue over the next couple of weeks. I was standing in my boyfriends kitchen (he is Irish and he was living in Ireland at the time), when a wave of nausea, accompanied by seeing the world spin brightly before my eyes, when it first occured. I had had migraines before, and I was thinking those symptoms were some exaggerated form of a migraine. Later on, and my period was still late, I started to be sick ALL the TIME. I literally could not leave the bed. I had muscle weakness and fatigue (just making it to the upstairs bathroom- about 15 feet- took all of my energy). My nausea/vomiting was 24/7, I was left only with bile in my stomach. My urine was a dark brown. I could not shower, brush my teeth, or brush my hair etc....taking care of basic things for myself were impossible. Despite my exhaustion, I could not sleep. As strange as it may seem, I literally felt too ill to sleep.
I really craved salt, yet I could not keep anything with salt down. I felt I had a parasite in my body, literally absorbing all of my life and emotional strength out of me. I thought I was quickly on my way to dying. I felt so alone being confined to bed, not being able to do anything (no tv, no reading, talking took too much energy) except close my eyes and/or stare about our bedroom (with the lights off and the shades drawn). I couldn't cry to express my misery, and when I tried to explain the severity of my physical ailments and their emotional effect on my psyche, my boyfriend told me I was being overdramatic. Another two weeks went by, and by that time my boyfriend wanted me gone because I was too much of a hassle and he couldn't cope with me being completely inable to function- physically, mentally and emotionally. At six weeks, I had an D/C abortion at a clinic in the UK (which we had to fly over to the day of my procedure). It was not until after my abortion, that I managed (as I thought I was just suffering from normal morning sickness that happened to last all day and due to the lack of info. available to me about my condition in Ireland) to mention all of my physical symptoms to my obgyn here in the States that I was told I had suffered HG. To this day, I am terrified of getting pregnant again because of all of the trauma from being so ill. Not to mention the grief I feel, despite my terrible time with HG, over having to literally play "God," or to suffer unknowingly and possibly die if I were to have continued the pregnancy.
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Postby screamin' » Dec 06, 2008 3:01 pm

my story yes
I was pgt with number 4. after the hg had cleared up somewhat, we went for a routine check when I listened to the words: oh agnes, I have bad news. I said :you can tell me. and she replied: the little heart doesn't beat anymore. It came so totally out of the blue. I remember that we drove to the hospital for the u/s and DH said he had a bad feeling. I waved it away, and said, everything is going to be fine. all previous u/s were always fine, the baby had always been ahead of schedule. after 3 healthy babies I was so used that everything was always fine that I was confident.
I wanted to come back for the delivery asap, and she let me come back the next day.

I was lucky to be surrounded by fantastic people the day of my delivery. the midwifes were very supportive. one was a midwife I knew from before and who had been like a mother to me after my 2 youngest boys were born. she really pulled me through that day. my gynaeco who is also my cousin helped with the delivery and the D&C afterwards to get the rest of the placenta out.

it took me a whole day to get the contractions going. that gave us time to meet ourselves several times that day. each time our eyes met, we started crying. we cried and cried and cried.

it was after 10 pm when the D&C was finished and we finally went back in the delivery room to open the amniotic sac and look at our precious little girl. I looked at her for hours, trying to burn her image on my retina.

they examined the amniotic fluid, and the baby's organs but the cause was never found. one thing that my gynaeco could think of was that the umbillical cord was thin and very much curled up. my gynaeco wasn't sure whether this was due to the fact that she had been turning the amniotic sac many times to try to detach the placenta or whether it had been like this all along and might have caused the baby to die.

Dh proposed to call her "zusje" which means "lil sister" in Dutch. we burried zusje in the angels grasland, a piece of grass in the cemetry were the unborn babies below 23 wks are burried.

hidden and secure
she touches my heart
because I love her
4 sons (1996,1999,2004,2010)- 1 angel girl at 16wks gest. (april 1st 2008)- all HG
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Postby dmiller » Mar 18, 2009 9:37 pm

My husband and I started TTC when I was 28. We wanted to wait to have children when we could "afford" them. Haha - you can never afford them! Anyways year after year went by - and I never became pregnant. So I assumed - I couldnt get pregnant. That was fine with me - because honestly, at that time, I think I was happy not having any children.

I do remember horrible periods- so horrible, I thought I was dying - but I just attributed it to the fact that I just had horrible time of the month - even though I never really had them before.

Fast forward - I am in Chicago for work when I was 31 - and we were drinking so heavily - and i hurt my foot. I am diebetic- so any type of injury has to be looked at. Also - I was very non compliant with my diebeties. Anyhow, when I returned home, the doctor looked at it and asked if there was any way I could be pregnant first before they gave me whatever meds they would. I told them that I did not think I could get pregnant, but took the test anyways. It came out positive. I cannot even begin to tell you the shock I felt at learning the result. It was unbelievable.

It took a few days to warm up - and I had to see my indocronologist. My A1C at the time was a 12- this is horrible for blood sugars. he told me all the complications that I would most likely go through because of my uncontrolled diebetes. But, we went ahead with it. I never got sick - never had anything feeling wrong. Went to my first OB visit to find out the pregnancy terminated

pregnancy terminated because I was a non complaint diebetic. The guillt I felt for that was unimaginable. I almost wished I had never known, but if I had never known - it would not make me so compliant today - My A1C is at a 5

According to my doctor - I most likely had several miscarriages occuring on their own, because of my blood sugars. I switched indocronologists because of insurance- and was so thankful I did. We did a weekend diebetes class - and he put me on the insulin pump. With this doctor my A1C went to a 6.5. And sure enough at the end of that month - I had a postive pregnancy test

I became pregnant with my DS - and HG struck so horribly - I wanted to die - but I lived through it. I kept my blood sugars in check to make sure that the same issue didnt happen again. My doctor told me that even if my first had lived, there could have been severe complications because of my being so uncompliant

I think part of me will always feel guilty for that - part of me will always wonder - what it would have been like to hold that child. But that child is in heaven - and that child helped me realize that I not only have to live for myself- but for those I love
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Postby MichellevsHG » Apr 17, 2009 7:08 am

Finally having the courage of telling my story . . .

Labor day weekend 1992 I've just started community college and my boyfriend at the time was home from college on break . . . that is the weekend I conceived. By the end of the month I started getting mirgraines. Then early October and they were more frequent and more painful. A week later the vomiting started. First just in the morning, then it was all day. I swore I had the flu. I was clueless. Thursday, October 16th I went to my regular doctor with the complaints of migraines and vomiting. He listened to me and then asked if I was pregnant. I said I didn't think so and he said I think you are. So down the hall I go to get blood drawn. In the meantime he wrote me a script for Migrazone(sp) . . . I was in shock. I couldn't believe that someone could be *this* sick and be pregnant. No way. I go and get the migrazone and lie to my mom that the doc thinks its just migraines. I sat at my sister's lacrosse game that afternoon in shock. The migrazone does nothing. It doesn't stay down.

The next day the doctor's office called and the nurse asks for me. I answer and I know what she's going to say. "You're pregnant Michelle. I'm so sorry." I start crying knowing this is not what I can handle right now. I hang up. I cry, puke, cry, puke. I call my boyfriend and he comes over. I tell him the news. We cry to together, he holds my hair as I puke again. I can't even get out of bed now. He gets my mom. We tell her together the news. She is so sad.I disappointed her again. We cry together. She says she will do whatever she can to help us.

My boyfriend and I talk about what to do. My mom calls my doctor to see if he can get the vomiting to stop. He gives my mom some story about being so young and that it won't get better and to terminate. In the meantime, the boyfriend and I discuss termination. I am just so sick. I am missing school. I cannot get out of bed.

We tell my mom that we have chosen termination and my mom agrees to help us. She is just so sad. It really hurts to see her cry and know its because of me again. My mom tells my dad and now he's crying saying I'm ruining my life and that God is not happy with this. What a mess I've made.

My mom schedules the termination. My boyfriend is back at college so its just me and my mom. I go to Northeast Women's Clinic and we need to have escorts from our car to the clinic. People are yelling "baby killer" and other mean things to me. I am crying and puking. They don't care. They don't know my story. I'm just a murderer to them.

I go into the clinic and everyone is so nice and caring. I meet with a counselor. She talks to me about this decision . . . she explains that there are other options. She explains that they will help me no matter what my decision is. She leaves me in the office alone to read some information and make my decision. She comes back a little while later and we talk some more. I am just so tired and so sick and so tired of being sick. My head hurts so bad. I puke the water she gave me. She puts her arm around me and tells me everything will be ok. I sign the papers. My decision is final.

I go in the back and they prep me for the termination. They ask me again if this is my decision. I say yes. They do an ultrasound to see the pregnancy. I ask to look at the screen. The nurse is surprised and says no. I tell her I want to see it. She shows me. I see it. It is 7.5 wks along. I pray. I am asleep.

I wake up in recovery and I am still puking. They say that's normal. I go home and I spend the next three days in bed puking. Eventually its stops and I can go back to school. I go on with my life, but I know I will never forget.

A few months later my boyfriend's alcohol addiction gets worse and he beats me. I leave him. I am so sad though. I am sad that I have nothing to show for the 3 yrs we spent together. I terminated it. She is in Heaven.

She would be 17 this June. I sent her to Heaven on October 21, 1992. I will never forget her.


:cry:
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Postby Fern » May 13, 2009 2:04 pm

Michelle,

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

Thank you for having the courage to share your story.

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Postby MichellevsHG » May 18, 2009 10:48 am

Thank you Fern :hugs: that means a lot, there are days that I don't feel very courageous. Some day I will have the courage to add her to my sig, but for now it is too painful to be reminded every time I would post here.
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Postby Kate » May 18, 2009 6:51 pm

Michelle- if I could afford to drive up to Penn. I would to give you a big hug. I am so truly sorry.
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