Our Stories: Loving our Angels, Looking for Peace

Help with physical and emotional healing for moms who have suffered loss.

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Postby Kate » May 21, 2009 7:11 pm

Here is my story..... its a long one

I had my first child 3/28/07- it was an HG doozy... complete with home health, PICC, fluids, TPN, Zofran, PTL, and PROM. But when they placed Ryan on my belly after he was born it was the most magical moment ever. Too bad it only lasted a minute. He had low apgars and was rushed to the NICU. I wasn't fairing much better with a retained placenta that forced me to have a D&C with only an epidural... so I literally got to watch it. Which is just plain wrong. You shouldn't have to see someone do that to your body. Finally got through that... narrowly escaping an emergency hysterectomy. I went home for a few days. Loved it, loved breastfeeding, loved Ryan. Went to bed one night with some abd pain- didn't really think much of it. Woke up the next morning sick as a dog... vomiting again and a 103 temp. I was miserable. My belly hurt so bad I could barely get up to breastfeed. Finally I called dh at work and begged him to come take me to the ER. It was the first time I seriously considered calling 911. I was in so much pain. I got to the ER and I must have looked as poor as I felt because they rushed me right back. I had a very elevated white blood cell count and was very anemic. Immediately was typed and crossed for 45 units of blood. Only ended up needing 5 throughout my stay. It was mess. 8mg of morphine didn't even dent the pain just made my heart race. Thank heavens for Dilaudid. A week passed of me vomiting constantly, unbearable abdominal pain, horrible diarrhea.... which was not good since I was in so much pain I couldn't move. I ended up wearing an adult diaper some of the time because it was just too much. Talk about a humbling experience to have your dh help 'clean' you up. Then they thought I had c. diff and put me in isolation. So I couldn't see Ryan. My new baby that I went through hell to have I wasn't allowed to see. And one of the things that hurt the worst was not being able to breastfeed. I have no idea why exactly that was so important to me. But till this day I still long to have that experience one day. Finally a week went by and they did surgery- found out I had a ruptured appendix and horrible peritontis. To make this story short 3 more surgeries later I had my body in a suitable shape to try again.

Failed attempt after failed attempt I finally convinced my husband to apply for a fertility finance loan to pay for IVF... our best hope with all of my tubal factors from abdominal adhesions.

Went through the process of IVF... which consisted of near 6 hours of driving almost every day for 3 solid weeks. Responded faster then they ever anticipated I would and I was already on the lowest doses. My estrogen was rising dangerously fast and I ended up hyperstimming.
I got a :positive: 3.5 days after transfer which is the equivalent of 8.5dpo. Turned out I was pregnant with twins. We were thrilled. We had fought so hard through all of the surgeries including a trip to California from Florida for surgery to be able to do this.

I had about two good days and then I was sick. Very fast and very bad. I was in the ER a week after bfp for dehydration, hypokalemia, and elevated LFTs. Was back in a few days later. A few days after that was admitted for PICC placement and initiation of home health. I was only 4 weeks. I proceed to get discharged with the wrong orders, get readmitted- discharged again, and then readmitted. At 6 weeks I was started on TPN. I was maxed out on Zofran and getting desperate. They took me off my depression meds- (not really the best thing for someone who has a previous history of suicidal ideations) and things just spiraled. I was scared and alone. DH was working two jobs and couldn't come see me very often as the hospital was 45 minutes away. I saw Ryan only for an hour each day. Towards the end of my almost 3 week hospital stay I started to think he didn't even recognize me. I was so alone scared and depressed. My nurses were horrible to me. I mean maybe I'm just too sensitive as a person. One nurse told me I desperately needed a manicure (just what I was worried about), another nurse made fun of me because I was sleeping with Ry's monkey one night because it smelled like him and I missed him so much, I can't tell you how many times I was crackered and the nurses said there was nothing wrong with me at all. My LFTs were rising and I was diagnosed with toxic hepatits- meaning inflammation of the liver but not viral like A, B, C ect. I was vomiting blood, non stop diarrhea from the TPN, and they were having difficulty regulating my blood sugars with the TPN. My body was responding in all the wrong ways and it never lessened it always got worse despite the treatments they offered. When the OB said I think you need to spend your entire pregnancy here I thought I was going to die right then and there. I had wanted another child so badly.... but who would take care of the child I already had. If he acted like he didn't know me then what would that be like in 7 months. One of the OBs came in and started talking to me about how this was effecting my body and she brought up termination. I just kept thinking we did IVF we want this pregnancy.

My husband was so against it. He said some things... not sure if he really meant them or was just trying to convince me to continue on. I begged him to make it stop. I was so tired already of being sick and missing my son. I asked him to stay a couple of the nights with me at the hospital to see what it was really like as he was working during the day teaching. He stayed two nights and saw the misery I was in. I couldn't sleep. I literally vomited constantly. I think he then realized how bad things were. I think I had pretty severe HG with Ryan's pregnancy but this was more-- something was very wrong. Being on TPN at 6 weeks is not good.

When I first mentioned termination to my primary OB after talking about it with two of the other doctors in the practice he gave me such a hard time. Talk about making me feel like crap. He told me his sister was 40 and couldn't have a baby and had been trying IVF and I was throwing it away. He said he wouldn't do it that it was against his believes but he would see if someone else would. Later that day he called my hospital room and said there was a doctor who agreed to do it that was affiliated with planned parenthood. I met with him later that night and we discussed which options whether we would do surgery or medication. I begged him to do surgery and to just get it over with as soon as possible. They sent in psych and social work to evaluate my mental health. Not quite sure how I managed to get through that one with out ending up on a psych hold.

The following day they scheduled surgery but since it was an add on they couldn't give me an exact time. DH was at work teaching and then went to his second job at the hospital (where I also worked) and they gave him a hard time and wouldn't let him leave work to come to the hospital. They said he would be fired if he left. And we had this big IVF loan to pay now we couldn't afford him to loose his job. My mom was watching Ryan so she couldn't come. I was completely alone.

So they came to get me without warning in the late afternoon. I cried the whole time. Laying in pre-op I tried so hard to find the will to run out of there and not do. But I just couldn't. I just cried and cried all alone. Even the nurse hardly checked on me.

When the doctor came in I was beside myself. I kept begging him to tell me I wasn't a bad person. He was very good to me. He knew I was so upset that I wanted this but just couldn't get my body to cooperate. He walekd with me and held my hand all the way to the OR and the whole time till I was completely sedated. A small gesture that really did help. It was nice that someone showed some compassion for me.

After post op I was wheeled back to my room where my mom and Ryan were waiting. Still no DH. Finally he arrived- the CFO finally okayed him to leave early. I still felt so alone. I couldn't believe what I just did. I was so angry... I just wanted to scream and curse God and ask why this had to happen to me. How much was a person supposed to be able to handle?

The next day I was released and wheeled down to the car. Which was a knife in the heart. I can't even tell you how many people I passed with 'its a girl or its a boy' balloons, cakes, presents, and even the new parents being discharged. I held it together on the ride home. When we got home I said I was going to take a shower and I went in my room and lost it. I just cried and cried. Things just kept spiraling out of control. I ended up having a little bit of a cutting problem. Thankfully my psych doc was able to help get that under control. And it was literally months of a fog a miserable horrible fog. The local church by us planted rows of white crosses honoring the babies 'murdered' by abortion. I passed every car with some horrible bumper sticker. It just kept shattering my heart into pieces. I sometimes wonder if it was when I was in this horrible fog that we started to lose Ryan to autism. And if I hadn't been so selfish and depressed that wouldn't have happened. Stupid I know.

I honestly can't even tell you when things started to get better. I prayed and prayed. And it still hurts like crazy. I think now I just realized that Ryan needs me and I have to some how find a way to pull it together for him. But God has given me great comfort and allowed dh and I to find comfort in each other.

I still desperately want another child. I do wonder how I will manage to do this... especially if we do move away to where we don't have a lot of family. Now that Ryan is in therapy I do wonder if it would be easier since I would have some down time. But then I realize that its not really in the best interest of Ryan. There is only so much time we have to try and recover Ryan. I keep telling myself if there is a next time this has taught me how to be stronger. Cause I realize now the pain of termination was way worse for me then the pain and suffering of HG. And one of the most important things with my history is to stay on my meds.... no matter what the doctor thinks. I also do try to cling to the hope that this really was more than HG. My GI doctor said once that he wondered if I had gotten a viral hepatitis from food that just exacerbated things and coupled with how rough Zofran and TPN can be on the liver it went downhill so quickly. I guess I will never no for sure. I do keep praying that another child will be in our future and that I will also get to fulfill my dream of another little one and of breastfeeding
<3 Kate <3
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Twin angels Sept 08, Angel Feb 09, Angel July 09,
Angel August 09, Angel Feb 2010,Angel April 2010
Angel June 2010
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Postby Cin » May 21, 2009 9:07 pm

Oh, Katherine and Michelle....

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

I love you. HE loves you. Your children love you.

You know this, but I'll say it anyway: HG is a monster, and sometimes that monster takes our babies. Sometimes that monster forces us to make decisions we are screaming against.

The docs and nurses in both of your stories make me want to SCREAM.

I have to say, I am so proud of both of you for staying at HER and helping others avoid the same terrible pain -- and comforting those who share it.

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs:
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Mom to Alex, 12 -- NVP
Isaac, 10 -- NVP
Naomi, 8 -- HG
Edward, 4 -- avoided clinical HG through aggressive pre-emptive treatment and pure luck (aka medicated fluffy)
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Postby deb » May 22, 2009 12:11 am

:hugs: :hugs:

katherine and michelle, your stories have touched me deeply! i am so so so sorry for the horrible decisions HG forced you to make. thank you for sharing a bit of your pain and for you willingness to help others!!
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Postby MichellevsHG » May 22, 2009 7:24 am

Katherine :hugs: Love you
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DD, 9/14/07, (6w -38w) Severe HG (induced due to PreE) - barely treated until 20w; 40+lbs weight loss; multiple ER/hospital visits, PICC, zofran, benedryl, zantac, & baby aspirin; new Ob at 21/22w; mild Polyhydramnios (37w)

Loss, 9/17/13 (11w6d), Aggressively treated severe HG from 5w - 5% weightloss in 6 days, IV protonix/fluids/zofran @ 8w; zofran pump, benedryl, phenergan, zantac, baby aspirin

Loss, 12/7/13 (4w5d)

Angel Sent to Heaven, 10/21/92 (7w4d), Undiagnosed/Untreated Severe HG
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Hello

Postby aleema » Jan 08, 2013 11:17 am

Hi, I am new to the forum. We just recently had to terminate our most wanted pregnancy because of severe HG. I was unable to eat or drink. I got bloated to the point where no one or anything could touch my belly. I was in the worse pain ever crumpled over on the couch and in the car. I was trying to take care of my other children and failing at that. At the end I could barely manage to get out of bed. Everything visually and smelly made me nauseous. I was on two different types of anti nausea medication in which my Ob prescribed me. And neither worked. I tried home remedies, like ginger and others. I hate HG. Even thinking about certain things made me feel worse. I was nausea from the moment I took my first bite to the moment I woke up the next morning. I just wanted another baby, and that is all. But for some reason it was not going to happen. I know HG did it, and it is not my fault, but it still hurts.
Last edited by aleema on Aug 30, 2013 9:22 am, edited 3 times in total.
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Re: Our Stories: Loving our Angels, Looking for Peace

Postby faithlove » Jan 09, 2013 4:40 pm

So sorry to hear it Aleema. That sounds like a horrible time you had, and what a surprise after normal pregnancies.

We recently had a loss in October and I am pregnant again now. I was measuring 16 weeks when the miscarriage happened. Unfortunately, the baby had died at 7-8 weeks according to the ultrasound I got done that same day. It took an entire week for the M/C to be completed, it was awful.

God has been good to us in giving us another baby, and I am taking it day by day using zofran and some alternative therapies that we found in the other section of the forums. An HG loss is so much worse than a regular one, I think. It's so hard to go through so much suffering and have nothing to show for it. But I have no doubt that our baby is in heaven, and I thank God for his matchless grace in keeping us from bitterness!
Loss at 16 wks in Oct 2012. Now pregnant again! :)
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Moderate HG with DD '07 and DD '10, both homebirths, angel baby Oct of 2012.
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Re: Our Stories: Loving our Angels, Looking for Peace

Postby Thankful4Ugals » Aug 27, 2013 10:26 am

I've been on this board numerous times silently soaking up the support that it offers. It is so nice just to know I'm NOT alone. My two previous pregnancies had some harsh vomiting and weight loss until 13ish weeks and normal morning sickness for about a month after that. My experiences are not as rough as others, but it was still really tough... Then, I had preterm labor at 30 weeks and had to go on bedrest. Pregnancy has never been fun.

I found out this last May that I was pregnant with our third. The queasiness and killer nausea started at 4.5 weeks and the barfing kicked in at 6.5. I have no insurance. I would just lay on the couch all day and put cereal on the kitchen table so my toddlers (ages 1 and 3) can feed themselves. For a few weeks I would just work through hour after hour, mostly sleeping because I didn't feel yucky when I was asleep. I would take solace in the fact that the tummy muck was a way of my baby communicating with me. But, honestly, this was the worst I had ever felt the HG.
I couldn't get up for a couple of weeks in the middle of it. I would bore myself to sleep by calculating the high cost of going to the ER, paying for the IV, and arranging for childcare for my kids versus the simplicity of just sitting on the couch and breathing. It seemed to put me to sleep every time. My little dream was that I would wake up a few thousand dollars richer and waltz into an ER and get an IV. I longed for an IV. It would have made life so much easier to not have to eat or think of eating. I hardly drank anything ever. I prayed every day that I would miscarry. Nobody around me understood at all. Even my husband left coffee beans out so I barfed first thing in the morning.

At some point we went to Portugal (why=long story) and they had this nausea drug for pregnancy yucks. It's called Nausefe. It's a combo of Unisom, B6 and Bentyl. I took it religiously. I just wanted to be not hungry. I did bring the meds to the doctor @12wks and she said those drugs should be safe. We looked at baby and he waved his arms around for us on the ultrasound. I started feeling better and taking vitamins, but I got weird episodes of large portions of my body falling asleep (one time my whole left side went) and I got floaters in my right eye. I figured it was the meds and as long as I was still nauseous I was ok and baby was fine. I started telling all my friends about my baby, making plans for a crib, wearing maternity clothes, name shopping, etc. I also started on bi-weekly progesterone shots for preterm labor. Pregnancy is so not fun.

Then, I went to my 16 week appointment last Wednesday and they couldn't find my baby's heartbeat. He was measuring was small and had likely died some time ago. I started thinking back to how I had only felt the baby kick once and how weird that was, plus some weird constipation thing that was happening. I was still nauseous though. Right there at the doctor's office, my water broke and contractions/bleeding hit like a ton of bricks. They rushed me in for a D&C, but they said I delivered him right as they were administering the sleeping gas. He was a boy. I don't have any brothers or sons or anything. I've always wanted a boy. I went home and threw up. I've been crying ever since.

Now, along with the grief, I have a million questions. This was an HG pregnancy if I've ever had one. We're not supposed to get killer nausea AND a miscarriage, let alone a late miscarriage! What happened? Was it the meds? Is it my preterm labor history? Was my body just rejecting the placenta because I didn't have enough food or nutrient stores? This is my third hg pregnancy and I didn't really care to prepare for it. Late miscarriages are supposedly less likely to be chromosomal issues.

I came back to this board because you gals seem to have the answers to half of everything. But, it seems like all miscarriages are fairly early and/or did not involve such awful hg. I know that seems heartless to say. I am very sorry for all the losses and stories here. They have me in tears even now. I'm trying to make sense of this. Everybody says intense sickness means a healthy baby. Late miscarriage support sites don't link those two. Or maybe all that's a myth?

I'm probably venting. I mean no offense by any of the above. I feel robbed of my baby and I don't know how to maintain a healthy pregnancy with hg.
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Re: Our Stories: Loving our Angels, Looking for Peace

Postby DebbieS » Aug 27, 2013 9:34 pm

I am very very sorry for your loss and everything you have gone through. It isn't fair to go through HG and then to lose the pregnancy (and you are so right.. Pregnancy isn't fun). It is my understanding that for poorly treated/severe HG persisting beyond the first trimester there is an increased risk for late term miscarriage, placental problems, preterm or lower birth weight babies. Hyperemesis (or malnutrition/dehydration) can be dangerous for both mothers and babies. Before IVs became available, hyperemesis was a major cause of maternal deaths. You are right - there are many factors that can lead cause a loss, and a combination of events can lead to one. I lost a pregnancy at 13 weeks after severe poorly treated HG. I had spent about a month in hospital, close to five weeks with no nutrition. Malnutrition led to heart, liver, kidney damage, low platelets and white blood cells, abnormal red cells and severe muscle wastage. I got gastro. I had a placenta abruption and my daughter was born live, but way too early. I was furious with my body afterwards, I felt it had completely let me down and that it was all my fault. I expected to bounce back afterwards, but it took much of a year for my body to physically repair itself (though the heart murmur is now permanent). I suppose what I'm saying is that it isn't your fault. You had HG, your health wasn't good, no insurance, a history of preterm labour. You fought and fought for your baby. Allow yourself time to grieve - you lost your baby. I found this site after my loss, and with its help went on to have another child (with a much better managed HG pregnancy). Wishing you healing and peace.
Deb
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DS 2003; Loss 2005.
DD 2007.
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Re: Our Stories: Loving our Angels, Looking for Peace

Postby kristykaydavid » Mar 17, 2014 5:50 pm

This site was such a blessing to me during this pregnancy. I am 10 weeks pregnant and just got discharged from a 2 week stay in the hospital. I wanted to write something here to maybe help someone else who is suffering like I did. 6 weeks into my 3rd pregnancy ( HG with both prior ones) and it began to rear its ugly head. Got some prescription odt Zofran and expected it to be like the other 2 were. Miserable, but bearable. By 7 weeks I had had two IV treatments with zofran IV push and it wasn't touching it. I threw up everything and nothing at all. 8 weeks and 4 days I got admitted to the hospital. Things just got worse. NO meds would touch this nausea pain I was feeling. I had tried Diclegis, Zofran, Phenergan, compazine, Reglan, drips, pills, suppositories...you name it, we tried it. I ended up with a PICC line and on TPN ( complete artificial nutrition). This lasted for 5 days before my GI doctor ordered an U/S of my gall bladder. I had "sludge" and where she was pushing on me with that instrument is exactly where I was feeling nausea from. I never had any "pain" like they were expecting me to have. It was just gut wrenching nausea which was kinda painful. I looked up many things about surgery and pregnancy.I was convinced that it was safer for me and my baby to have the surgery than it was for me to live like that on TPN for the next 30 weeks. My Ob and surgeons agreed to do the surgery. Surgery went great. I was very nauseated after and drank a ton of water to make it easier to vomit. Coughing, sneezing and vomiting were torture. But I felt better. Nausea was coming from my gut and not my gall bladder. The surgeon said I had a kink in my duct which was not allowing the gall bladder to empty properly. All of the pain meds, anti nausea meds, potassium drip, magnesium drips made me vomit. Once I refused all the meds they were prescribing me, I ended up with no vomiting and began to take food by mouth again. (I don't want to leave out that my pastor came and laid hands on me too for healing which I give all glory to God for healing and wisdom to figure out what was doing this to me.) I was released just 4 days after surgery. Probably could have been sooner if I had stopped taking the stupid meds sooner. But I didn't start putting it all together until day 2 post surgery. I had a sonogram the day after surgery and baby looked great.
I don't know if this was the cause of my HG or just a coincidence, but I wanted to share with anyone who is looking for answers. I now take zofran odt just to feel a little better. I am not vomiting anymore. Very fatigued and still a little nausea, but nothing, nothing like having HG.
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