my heart just aches so much

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my heart just aches so much

Postby nomore » Jan 06, 2005 2:28 pm

its been 2 months since my termination. Every week I keep thinking I should of been x amount of weeks along by now. (16 right now).

I am so sad and angry from my descision. I know I was getting good care. I was on 24 hour hydration, getting meds, had an amazing Dr, and I know it was me who couldnt deal with it. I guess that what makes me so angry. I feel like I cared more about myself than a baby. This past pregnancy was so differnet than my 1st, in the sense that my 1st time I had so much hope it would get better... and felt so much more connected to the baby. This time I felt so disconnected and my hope, well, it wasnt good, since last time I had HG until I delievered.

Some days are easier than others, but today is bad. I really want another baby, and I am trying to decide if we will try again in this next year. All I know is that I cant terminate another pregnancy. It hurts WAY more than the pain of enduring HG. At least with HG you get a beautiful baby.... this way you get heartache and grief and a painful hole in your heart.
Last edited by nomore on Jul 12, 2009 8:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Deepest Sympathies

Postby IslandDreamer » Jan 06, 2005 3:39 pm

Oh Robin,

I've been thinking about you so much. I really understand what you are saying. I carried the phantom pregnancy with Hope for the entire 9 months. Her EDD was a bit of a release of pressure, and the rawness of the pain has numbed, but the longing, the loneliness, the ache for her is always with me. I wanted to end my pg with Hope but decided not to, then it just ended. :(

Your grief is so new and so raw. I'm so very sorry. But I'm glad you have come back to let us know how you are doing. Do you have support? Resources? Let us know. PM me if you want to talk more privately. Or maybe some of the other ladies who have terminated can offer some support. I encourage you, if you are a Christian, to read Jack Hayford's book, [u]I'll Hold You In Heaven[/u]. It really helped me a lot.

Lots of love,
Suzanne
Last edited by IslandDreamer on Jan 06, 2005 5:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby bibliojo » Jan 06, 2005 5:00 pm

Robin,

I've been thinking about you lots too and hoping that you were doing okay. I'm glad to see that you have made it back here to make a post -- hopefully these forums won't depress you even more. I remember you saying that your psychatrist had discouraged you from visiting here again. Instead I hope that these forums will be so source of strength and healing for you. I personally have not suffered a loss like yours but I can imagine and I feel deeply for you. :cry: I don't know what more to say except that you'll continue to be in my thoughts and prayers as you have been these past few months.

((HUG))
Joanna
2 HG pregnancies
Lukas - February 2003
Katya - October 2006

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Postby Natalie » Jan 06, 2005 6:24 pm

Oh Sweetie :cry:

I have also been thinking about you so much over the past few months wondering how you have been getting along. Your last post sounded so desperate and mournful, kind of desolate. I remember reading about how how much you wanted and planned your baby. I'm so sorry things didn't work out. My heart aches for what you have had to go through and are still enduring.

Give yourself the time you need to heal and remember we are always here to support you. May your hearts find a sense of peace and solace here among friends.

And for my part, on a more selfish note, it's really lovely to see you here again :wink:

Love Natalie, x
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Postby HGx3 » Jan 06, 2005 7:36 pm

I am glad that you have returned. This is where you belong.
You are not selfish. When you are in the heart of hg, it is near impossible to think of anything positive about being pregnant. The fact of the matter simply is that yhere really isnt anything positive about being pregnant when you suffer from hg. Understand that I am not referring to the baby.....just the pregnancy itself. There is no joy, most of us here are miserable and angry, the end seems so very far away and you are just hopeless. I am sorry that you are now regretting your decision. I have never terminated a pregnancy, but I can imagine the hole that is left in your heart.
When I was 16 weeks, pg I was in very bad shape.........I thought about my "options" momentarily. I now look at my baby and feel a terrible amount of guilt for having thought it. Like you, I often refer to myself in that moment as weak or selfish. But that is not true. My hg has lasted the entire time with 2 out of my 3 pgs, and that alone is enough to make you want to kill yourself. The thing is, you are not a horrible person...you were a very ill person, and the person you are now cannot compare to who you and your family were in that defining moment of choice.
i am so sorry that you are not still pregnant and wishing you were, but this can benefit you if you should ever choose to become pregnant again. You will force yourself to find the strength to go on, and you will come out of it a survivor.
My thoughts and prayers are with you, and I hope you can make peace with yourself. If you want to talk, I am here for you.
Huge Hugs,
Lisa
HG Mom to:
Matthew, 2001
Lauryn, 2002
Joshua,2004

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Postby theannex » Jan 07, 2005 1:16 am

I haven't been around the forums much in the past year, but from what I read in your earlier posts, I would never call your decision selfish. It was as much about protecting your husband and DD from the disruption to their lives because there wasn't other support for them. We simply can't do things the same way we did with our 1st HG pregnancies, when for some of us, the only life it blew to pieces was our own professional and personal day to day life. For me, when I allow myself to dream of another baby, I always have to imagine more support - my mother being able to live with us for 9 months (not likely), or at least hiring a gaggle of nannies/housekeepers/etc. for DD. It read to me in your posts that you had the medical plan/protocol for HG pregnancy #2 well-figured out, but no "plan b" for what to do if medicine didn't work and you ended up feeling even worse than your first pregnancy and unable to care for DD. I sometimes think there is too much hopefulness on this board, what with all the ttc-ers, and the stories of steroid miracles. We get the idea that maybe doing it again will be better when we are more prepared, but it's not maybe the case all the time. I'm sorry yours was a pregnancy that didn't respond to the protocol, it is truly unfair. But I hope you reconsider thinking of yourself as selfish, too...
Patricia
mom to DD (b. 2003, had severe HG with PICC/TPN) and DS (b. 2007, controlled HG with pre-emptive meds and also diet-controlled GD)
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Postby nomore » Jan 08, 2005 1:56 pm

Thank you all for all of your thoughts. Today I am feeling a little bit better. My husband and I had a long talk last night about my feelings and what we would like to do in the future.

He told me that time is passing and I am forgetting just how sick I was. And, its true. I am once again having a hard time remembering the HG days, just like I have a hard time recalling a lot of my 1st pregnancy. I have mentally blocked a lot of it out.

He is wonderful and supportive. We may try again in July, if we can get my Mom to come live with us temporily (while in the worst of HG), and I plan on starting to see a Chinese HErbal DR ( a good friend and neighbor) to see what he can do to help prepare my body for another round of HG.

Not to say I am still not angry and sad, but today is better.

Thank you all.

Robin
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