new member grieving her children lost to HG

[IslandDreamer]

Janice posted this yesterday in another thread, so I asked her permission to move her words to a new thread.

2/23/05

Finding this topic has been a small comfort today. I terminated my pregnancy yesterday at almost 13 weeks due to HG. It was my third pregnancy. I'm feeling very numb (probably because of the valium) but hearing about others who have had to make this terrible decision helps. My first pregnancy I was very sick but made it through with no medication and the sickness ended at about 5 months. I have a healthy and wonderful ten year old son. My second pregnancy was much worse with unrelenting nausea, vomiting, dry heaving from the very depths of my body, etc. I tried everything and finally the zofran stopped the retching but had no effect on the nausea. I was on the couch for the entire twelve weeks when I found out the baby had died around nine weeks but my body showed no signs of ending the pregnancy and I ended up with a D & C. After that I wanted to try again so desperately. But I was terrified of the sickness and went to two OBs who both assured me that being so sick was probablly because of a chromosomal abnormality that caused the miscarriage and every pregnancy is different so it would probably be better next time. If only I had known that HG tends to get worse everytime. That's what happened. This time I gagged and retched 30 times a day and none of the medications had any effect. My OB who promised he would be there for me but never even called me back. His nurse told me to eat soda crackers and not to get zofran if I didn't have insurance (which I did). Right! I really hate them right now. They treated me like a neurotic. Only my husband understood the agony I was going through and did his best but he has a very demanding job and it was terribly hard on him. I reached that point where all I could think of stopping this terrible sickness, just my own survival, that was all I could think about. I scheduled one termination and walked out on it. I just couldn't do it. In the following two weeks, everything got even worse and in that time my father-in-law died and my mother-in-law fell and fractured two bones in her cervical vertebrae the day of the funeral. I called my OB and talked to the nurse and told her I was reaching the breaking point, considering termination. Again she told me to try eating every two hours. I couldn't go on. I went to another city and had the termination. The staff there was very understanding but I was crying the whole time, feeling weak and worthless and spineless. I almost walked out again but knew I had no more time left and went through with it. At least the staff there seemed very familiar and sympathetic with HG. They knew it could go on and on. The nurse anethetist even put zofran in my IV so I wouldn't have to vomit one more time and told me some women's bodies just aren't able to tolerate pregnancy. I'm still feeling sick today but not as much. Thanks for listening.

j

2/24/05


Thank you so much for your quick reply. Yes, please post my message where you think best. I'm new to forums so not quite sure how it all works. Hearing from you and Gail has really helped me get through this first day. I just went into the kitchen for the first time in all those terrible weeks to make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Although I was still feeling a bit gaggy, I spread a little peanut butter on the crust and ate it. It tasted so so good, and I just broke down in tears. Why, why, does it have to be like this? Reading the posts today helped so much. Only those who have experienced this can understand the utter misery and desperation and loneliness of HG. In both my second and this HG pregnancy, my husband held me after it was all over and told me how much he had missed me for this last two months because I just wasn't there, hardly able to talk, always fighting the nausea, the gagging.....

I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive myself but reading of others who have had to make this choice makes me realize I'm not alone. And I've felt so alone now for so long. Thank you so much for being there.

Janice

[nomore]

Janice,

I wanted to start off saying I am so sorry for what youa re going through. I myself terminated a pregnancy this past November (due to HG) at 8 weeks. As horrific as HG was, the pain of the termination (which truly didnt set in until a few weeks later) as been very hard to deal with.

At first I was numb, as you are descibing, and in some ways, glad I wasnt sick anymore, but then the "realization" of the whole thing set in.

All I can say is that ny husband and I feel we made the best desicion at the time for our family. I knew what I could and couldt deal with. I have to remind myself that my HG was bad (I have more severe HG), and no medical treatments were offereing any relief. Mentally I was not coping well with the HG at all, and the fact that I had a 19/20 month old DD at the time, who was not dealing well with me being sick.

My sinceriest apolgoies that you had to make this desicion.... no one understands whats its like to deal with terminating a truly wanted pregnancy due to something like HG, unless youve been there.

Please feel free to email me if you want/need to talk.

Hugs,

Robin

[janice]

Dear Robin,

It's just as you said. Yesterday the numbness started to wear off in the morning. I was very busy helping a out-of-town colleague of my husband's, driving him around town, etc. But when he was in the post office and other offices and I was waiting in the car, the tears started. He also came into our house which as I'm know most of you with hg can imagine is in a state of complete shambles, toys and gifts still under the now petrified Christmas tree which never got taken down, unpaid bills and papers over every flat surface, the smell even though I've aired out many times. Because I was on the couch near the tree most of the time, I can't go near it right now because the smell still brings back all those awful feelings. Then the what ifs are starting to pop up in my mind. I try to stop them but it's very hard. My ds is very sad although I, of course, told him I had another miscarriage. And I got my CVS results yesterday which were normal.

Suzanne asked me if I have any faith structure that could help me through this time. I do attend church but with all the misinformation and the fact that even so many medical people often seem to have no clue about this, I feel very sure I could not possiby talk to anyone there about this. How could anyone possibly understand? After my second hg pregnancy and miscarriage, I did find some comfort in attending church but often started crying which wasn't good. And since I miscarried in that pregnancy, that was one thing. Then I could tell a few close friends and my parents. This time I can't. This is entirely another situation even though I know how much sicker I was and how it was affecting my family.......

The counselor at the clinic suggested that perhaps we should have some kind of memorial with my ds and dh to honor both my babies and I am starting to think that could be a really good thing. But right now I have no ideas on what or how to do it. Has anyone done this and have any suggestions? I'm also thinking of adopting, maybe an older child, and both ds and dh seem to feel OK about that. I know it's quite soon to think about that but I am.

I know that I can never go through hg again even though I read that so many women do. They are so brave and so admirable and I wish so much I could be them. But I'm not that strong mentally or physically, and I have to try to accept that and forgive myself or hope that God will forgive me for that. Anyway I have to go drive my husband's colleague around more.

Janice

[Gail]

Janice- My heart feels for so much right now. I can feel you sadness in your words. As for some type of memorial for your children, I think that is good idea. Something I would consider (but haven't done yet) is to plant a tree in your yard in memory of your children. That way on special occasions or events, you could decorate the tree. This way the tree could serve two purposes, a living memorial and a way to include your little angles on the special occasions. I hope this helps some, I hope to do this one day when we finally get settled in our new house and all the remodeling is done. But i'm sure others here will offer some other ideas's as well. I hope one of them works for you and your family. I'll be thinking of you.

[nomore]

Janice,

I can feel your pain. I know you are talking about possibly thinking about adoption. I wanted to share with you that it really helped me to make some kind of plan for the future. It helped me put a foot forward, which was what I really needed.

We have decided to try again, and I am now under going a lot of accpunture, chinese herbs and a big body/liver detox. (I have posted about this in the prep for HG folder, so I wont repost). I truly yearn for another baby, and know that adoption just doesnt feel right for us (at least not right now). Both my husband and I have reservations regarding it. I have a friend who offered to be a surrogate for me, but I coulnt ask her to do that (she has battled severe depression, post partum), and I could not ask her to go through it again for me.

Anyways, the round about point I am trying to make is that making plans for the future is a god thing. It can give you some hope, some direction to try to move on. It doesnt mean you forget about the past, but I do know that as much as I am still grieving, I am slowly coming to more peace with it and I have more better days now than even a few weeks ago.

I really liked Gails idea of the planting of a tree as a memorial. In fact, I like it so much, I think that we will do that this spring.

Im sorry for where you are right now mentally. But remember, you know your limits, and know what you could and could not do. As time passes, your memories of HG will fade, and I know I questioned my decision more and more. In the same token, my husband reminded me that I was again not remembering how bad the HG really was, and I was more healthy now, and if I was healhty, then I clearly would never even had to consider what we did.

Also, as a tip, work on removing anything from your House that reminds you of the HG. I got rid of all my home nursing supplies, cleaned the house up and got my life back into order. I also made myself do things (with my daughter), to get her life back to normal. Getting more back into out routine was good for both of us. (again, doesnt mean the grieving stopped, but at least it got me out of the stuck in misery spot).

I'm thinking of you....

Robin

[IslandDreamer]

Hi Janice,

I'm praying for you and your family.

A memorial is a wonderful idea. I've done some things I will share with you, but at the moment I have a terrible fever and can hardly type. I just want you to know I'm out here.

The book _I'll Hold You in Heaven_ by Jack Hayford is a wonderful book that addresses all forms of loss from a biblical perspective. If you want a copy, I'll send it to you...to anyone on the boards.

Love,
Suzanne

[janice]

Dear Suzanne,

I have to be quick. It's Saturday and my son is home, so I want to just let you all know that all of your words and advice are helping. I am definitely having big ups and downs. Trying to clean up but overwhelmed. I looked into adoption this morning on the Internet and felt down about that. I didn't know how expensive it is and how complicated. I think that's something to think about a little later.

The book you recommended sounds wonderful. I will look for it in a bookstore. If not, it would be great if you could send it to me. I will post more soon when I'm alone.

Warmest thoughts and thanks,

Janice

[IslandDreamer]

((Janice))

I know this is day by day, sometimes moment by moment. You are in my thoughts and prayers. How are you holding up today?

Suzanne

[janice]

Dear Suzanne,

I just don't know how I am. I had a busier day today. I kept my son home from school (he does have the sniffles) and he kept me company and my mind off everything a little bit. He's so loving and wonderfully lively. My husband left for a week's trip which makes me feel vulnerable. I am also replaying the whole 13 weeks in my mind with all the what if I had been better prepared, why did I believe the doctors when they said it would be different, why wasn't I stronger about how sick I was when I talked to them, about the side effects I was experiencing from the compazine and zofran. I did call them twice and told them in no uncertain terms I was not sure I could go on. And they didn't even ask me to come into the office or the ER. From reading posts, I realize I maybe should have gotten an IV, I was probably dehydrated...peeling lips and that terrible body odor, not much peeing, etc. But I had no perspective. I felt like I was losing my mind. But there's nothing to be done about it now. I have to accept it's over.

I realize I definitely need to go to counseling but have to figure out who would understand. That's the toughest part. Otherwise I will never ever get over this. I had a terrible thought today. Though most of my nausea and gagging have abated, I still have that awful trench mouth and it doesn't seem to be getting better. And I thought maybe I have retained tissue that is still pumping out some hormones (I've had hardly any bleeding), and if it gets infected, then I deserve it. This is not the kind of thing I need to be thinking about and so do need to talk to someone.

Anyway, I will try to take one day at a time. And try to do one positive thing each day, one normal activity that I haven't been able to do for so long and try to enjoy it. I will try to think more about the memorial. We are also in the process of looking for a house (plus my husband is interviewing next month for another job) so things are a little complicated although I think we will most likely remain here. But maybe a small kind of memorial until things are more certain. Thanks for your caring and allowing me to go on and on about this. It helps so much.

Janice

[IslandDreamer]

Oh goodness, Janice. Talk, vent, cry as much as you want. This is incredibly painful (understatement). And you have so much else going on. I'm sorry. Don't ever feel like you can't say what you need to here. And if you need other places to talk, check out the pinned post about resources, too.

I am glad you kept your son home today. After Hope was born, I slept with Chris for several months...partly because he was my giant security blanket and partly because I needed to make sure he didn't die in the night, too. I totally understand. I still hate dropping Chris at preschool two mornings a week and would have had him home a lot if he were in school full days...totally get it.

How old is your son? Did he know you were pg? If you and dh think it is possible, you might consider telling your son that you are sad that the baby died. You don't need to offer more details than that. You wanted your baby, you love your baby, and you miss your baby. If he knows, it might be easier for you...and for him to understand. Chris still doesn't really know why Mommy freaked out for months and months...and now how do I tell him he's a big brother?

Have you considered naming your babies? I didn't realize I could name Hope until a few weeks after she was gone. With termination, you may think you can't name your baby or are not entitled, but you are entitled. You are your child's mother. Naming a lost baby is very personal, so please don't think you have to. It's totally up to you. I named Hope in my mind and only shared it at grief sites, but I did eventually tell dh and now everyone refers to Hope instead of "Suzanne's miscarriage." A name feels better for me. Jonathan and Lily were named YEARS later, after Hope actually, and I tell no one but my online friends. However it works for you is what you do with grief....that's the only rule.

I am so sorry you didn't receive better medical care. It does sound to me like there was a need for additional treatments, and I'm incredibly sorry you didn't get the care you deserved. Are you still having HG symptoms? I did after the mc...took a few weeks, maybe 6, for the HG to go away. I'm still weird about food, but doing much better.

Accepting a loss is incredibly difficult. I spent months trying to rationalize and convince myself that the intense grieving was unnecessary. What I learned was that the grief was/is very necessary for me. It's such a unique journey for every parent. I'm just so sorry you are joining us on this sad path. Here's a thought that helps me: Some folks say I need to "get over it." It meaning my daughter who died. What I've learned is that I will never get over losing her, not in the way they mean. I am slowing "getting used to" this "new normal" my life has become. Does that make sense?

You're in my prayers. Let me know if you want me to send you the Hayford book. I've got a Barnes and Noble card ready to make an internet order for you if you PM your address.

Suzanne

[janice]

Dearest Suzanne,

Thank you so much for your thoughts and suggestions. No, I hadn't thought about naming my babies. Since the miscarriage and now this time I've just been trying to put it completely out of my mind. I've been trying to convince myself that they never existed as crazy as that sounds. Maybe because of those standard talks with the OBs afterwards, 1 out or 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage or whatever the statistic is, sort of depersonalizes it.....I'm sure the doctors mean well but to them its just part what they see everyday on the job. I talked about looking for some kind of memorial and naming the babies with my ds today, and he seemed to think it was a very good idea. And he immediately decided without a trace of doubt that he had one brother and one sister which I was very glad to hear and in complete agreement with.

You asked about him. He's ten years old so has very much been a part of both pregnancies, seen the sorrow and misery, tried his best to help as much as he could. He was very much looking forward to having a long-awaited sibling. He is sweet, loving, caring about all things, and sings like an angel. Not that he doesn't have his moments (especially during those toddler years) but he has developed into such a wonderful small human being. He is a support to me, and we are very close. Because my husband had to travel exclusively for his work until ds was almost 8 years old, it was just the two of us so much of the time. When I picked him up from school today, he asked me right away if I was depressed. I said, well considering, yes, I was feeling pretty down. Then he said, well, I did notice that you just can't seem to remember how to unlock the door of the car when you pick me up, so I thought you must be feeling depressed. It's true, and we laughed together about it. What would I do without him?

I was also glad to hear that your symptoms went on for some time and that it's normal. I remember them going on for some time with the miscarriage because I called the OB worrying that something was wrong. But this time it seems longer and more intense. It's following exactly the pattern of my sickness, with 15 minutes of slight sickness upon waking followed by increasing and constant sickness until evening when it got really bad. Of course, it's not comparable at all to the HG, but I have a few little gags in the evenings and the taste in my mouth is still awful. And food aversions, oh my. Strangely, although I was so thirsty for all that time and craved water (which mostly came back up of course) I cannot drink water now or much of anything, only a tropical juice mix which I haven't ever had in my life before this. Sounds like a matter of time and patience.

What you wrote about grief and accepting that it is necessary really is something for me to think about. I am grieving now but am feeling even more angry, at myself, at the HG, at the doctor, even my dh. I come from a very very stoic family background although I am not so much that way, I was raised in that way. I have a hard time reaching out because I was taught that it wasn't right to do that. My father was also a physician, and I am wondering if I didn't communicate enough with the OB because of that. Empathy about illness was not something that happened in our house. Being sick was definitely not something to be talked or complained about. Just endured. Or fixed. To my credit, I did write my OB a letter between the miscarriage and next pregnancy explaining that I have a hard time talking to doctors, and I hoped he could understand that. I did try to forge a relationship with him in case something bad happened. I guess he forgot.

I talked with my dh on the phone today and he was very subdued. I think he may be starting to feel the extent of the loss. Although we made the decision together, I was much much more conflicted even though I was the one suffering physically. He was at his wit's end with his job, ds, having to do all the household chores, the necessity of his upcoming travel, his Dad's death, and he's never been much of a nurse although he really did his best. It just was too much and I think he was expecting to feel only relief. Now he is away with some time to think on the train, staying in someone's house all alone, he sounded very different. Terrible feelings from the other side as I think Robin said. But you can't go back.

Anger, grieving, and eventually accepting...it will be a long journey to the "new normal." It makes perfect sense. Just still so many tears in between.

Janice

[janice]

Dear all,

I am having a terrible awful day today. I don't know what's happened. I can't stop crying and must stop. I wrote to my mother and told her everything expecting that maybe to help but it seems to have made it worse. Why did I do this? Why couldn't I go on a little more? I confided to a friend (a person I thought of as a friend, I guess) yesterday and she laughed at me. Why would I ever want to do such a thing again if I was so sick? Granted she has a tough life, and I do understand where she is coming from but it made me feel so strange.

That's it.

Janice

[nomore]

janice,

I am so sorry today has been a hard day for you. In some ways it was probably easier that we only told a few close friends we were pregnant this last time and close family members. They all knew in the couple of days before that we had decided to termiate the pregnancy. Everyone accepted it. Im not saying they agreed with it, but I know they knew if they didnt accept it, then our relationship with them would be strained(to say the least) if not over. Since then, nearly no one is willing to talk to me about it, or shall I say, no one brings it up, as if my 2nd pregnancy never existed to them. Well, it DID exist to me, and when I need to talk, its usually my poor DH who hears all of my pain.

I will tell you this. HG has taught me who I can count on in my life and who really loves me as a person./friend etc. It has taught me who doesnt understand or care as much as they want you to think.

I do understand what you mean by how people react when you tell them still how much you want another. I finally spoke to the nurse at my Peri's office yesterday about setting up another consultation. She was a lifeline when I was pregnant. She asked me point blank if I thought I could handle it, since she knew I had so much trouble this fall. (She wasnt trying to upset me, just trying to make sure Im really in reality). And I went and explained how and what we were changing and how I felt the circumstances of fulltime help from my mom moving in with us would alleiveate some of the problems I felt last time. Nonetheless, it sure did make me feel strange that I had to justify why I wanted to try again.

Again, as my hubby says, NO ONE understand becuase they were not there to see my 24/hr 7 day a week sickness. They have no right to judge any choice we make, unless they have been in our footsteps, with exactly the same circumstances. So, if they dont understand, I say F@@@ them (and by the way, I never curse).

Im sorry today is bad. Im sure the letter is what prompted much of your anguish. The good thing is, after a good cryfest and maybe some talking to your DH, at least you get some of the emition out, instead of just feeling like a zombie

Big Hugs,

Robin

[IslandDreamer]

I am so sorry you are not getting the support you need and deserve in your daily life. I really wish compassion were everyone's first response, but unless someone has felt the pain of child loss, they won't "get it." But then again, someone doesn't need to experience this to be understanding.

It just sucks that people act as they do sometimes. Eventually, after time and some major hurts, I learned who I could be honest with in my "noncyber" life. I have two new really trustworthy friends at church now that are wonderful (one has no clue about the pain; one gave birth to a still child six years ago); I actually live near a Mom I met at a grief site; and I email/phone two other moms regularly. Pathetic as it is, many people can't deal with pain and offer support, which just adds more pain, loss, and loneliness to our equation. I wish it were different.

Anger, rage, hurt, sadness, longing, all of it. It's really normal. I know that doesn't make the pain go away, not at all, but I hope that encourages you in some way that you are not alone. Some days in the first months of my grief, I had trouble even drawing my next breath it hurt so much. I remember those horrid days like you describe. I am sorry beyond words.

I will pray for you now and ask that you feel His full measure of comfort in your day tomorrow.

Suzanne

[janice]

Dear Suzanne,

It's so true. Even after the miscarriage when I felt I could tell some people and explain what my experience had been, it was really only talked about once and then it was time to move on. And most of them were so uncomprehending when I explained how sick I had been but sympathetic. This time I can't do that. I have one friend who still lives in Europe (we lived abroad for many years) who I wrote to but didn't specifically explain what happened. She was with me for a bit of my second hg pregnancy so I think she will understand and be there for me. But after yesterday I just got a bit spooked about telling anyone else. And plan not to tell anyone else besides her. It's just so hard to explain where I've been and why I'm looking so terrible. After having to venture out this week, I've run into several people who asked why they hadn't heard from me and why I was looking so exhausted. Then I had to make up excuses about a long bout with the flu, fil's death, etc.

I e-mailed my Mom and told her the whole awful story. Then didn't hear from her for awhile and started to wonder but I'll post here her reply which, of course, was wonderful but made my heart break even more because I know how much she would have liked to help, but for health reasons and my father, never would have been able to. We decided not to tell my father at all ever. He has never been very enthusiastic about his own or his grandchildren so would never understand either how sick I was or how I upset I am now.

Dear Child,

I am so glad you let me know about your terrible experience. It is painful for me to know that you, whom I love so much had to live through this experience all alone. Ofcourse my immediate move would have been to come to be with you but unfortunately I must suffer the knowledge that I can no longer do things like that (though I also accept there have been times when I was able and didn't). I thank the powers that be that at least I was with you and with all three of you when Alex was born, and that I am lucky enough to have a daughter with the perseverence and tenaceousness and patience to handle all that you do, often seeming most understanding of others quirks, etc. .

I am not going on at length on this email but just had to let you know how much you are in my throughts and prayers and agree with you that the whole set of circumstances seems SO unfair. I now am more anxious than ever to see and be with you.

Love,

Mom

My dh is checking in several times a day and we've discussed counseling. He's being very proactive, will call and try and find me the right person when he gets back, and will go with me to back me up at the first visit with lots of info from this website. So that helps.

I also realized that I had my worst day yesterday after not taking a valium at night. Last night I did, and I feel much less raw today, more calm and wonder if that is why. I think that I need to be careful, hoping this is just not masking the grief and realize I need to get to counseling soon.

I've also thought of writing a letter to my OB. It makes me so angry to read how many women are still not being taken seriously with this and was shocked to read of two women's deaths on these posts. I don't know if I will actually follow through on this and am having lots of problems deciding whether to go back at all to him (I need to get a two week check) or to go to another doctor. The thought of going in that office and seeing those faces who will certainly be judging me is too much.

In any case, I am feeling better today, and realizing that when I recover more, I would like to be more involved in this. I don't want anyone to have to go through what I went through because of lack of knowledge, understanding, compassion, medical care, or whatever. Whether through helping support women in this forum as you are all doing for me, whether through trying to get at least my own OB and nurse to understand, whether to not be so silent about it all. I'm not sure but I think it will become clear in time.

Thank you again. I am feeling better today.

Janice

[IslandDreamer]

Hi Janice,

I PMed you.

How is today going?

Suzanne

[janice]

Dear Suzanne,

Just pmed you. Did you get it? Long and lots of details. Let me know if you didn't. I'll resend and/or perhaps edit and post on the thread.

Love,

Janice

NVP pregnancy DS Alexander 11/28/94
Severe NVP/HG pregnancy MC DD Stella 4/6/2004
HG Pregnancy Loss DS Theo 2/22/2005

[3kids]

Janice,

I'm so sorry for your loss sweetheart.

I'm going too share something I've never told another living soul, except my husband and even then I didn't tell him straight away. None of my family or friends at the time knew/know and I have never even admitted it in a faceless situation like this over the internet.

In one way, I don't want you to think that 6 years later you may be dealing with these feelings by some of the things I might say, but on the other hand maybe it can offer some tiny form of comfort too.

I don't know why I have not "admitted" this even here with women who have BTDT or can so understand, but back in 1999 I too terminated an HG pregnancy. I still remember the date, 31st August. I don't know exactly how far I was, but I think it was around 10 weeks. HG wasn't the only reason. I was what, 22 at the time and I was in a committed relationship. We were together 4 years in total (a further 2 after the termination), but really he didn't want kids. I thought he did, kids were always in my future, but after a b/c failure he certainly made it clear he didn't want the baby. I was very sick for 4 weeks. At the time, the doctors didn't tell me it was HG, I thought it was "normal". I was incapacitated for the entire time, very dehydrated, couldn't eat, but because I didn't understand then, no IV's or anything like that. Eventually I was worn down and agreed to the termination.

I felt so unbelievably guilty. For a long time. I didn't get any help for it and because I never told anyone I was on my own. He didn't grieve so I felt even more isolated and couldn't even talk to him about it. I was pretty messed up for a long time and hated myself for what I had done. I couldn't believe *I* could do this. I'd always hated the idea of abortion and was just disgusted with myself.

When I met my now husband, because we were close, he is the only person I told I was pregnant. Even then, just so I could talk about my loss I told him I had miscarried. It was the only way I could acknowledge I had been pregnant and was trying to deal with it, but obviously it wasn't the full truth. I finally told him after about 6 months (of being together) because in order for us to have children he had to have a vasectomy reversal and I didn't want him to do that if he couldn't be with me knowing the truth. Thankfully, he understood and supported me and it was only then I could start to deal with the feelings of guilt and regret, etc.

I always knew the road to children was going to be hard but when I did actually miscarry I thought I was being punished. Like someone was saying "you want to know what a miscarriage is...here you go". I was just so devastated. And the last two - both just after 10 weeks - I know it is co-incidence, but it still brings the memories back. And when I later found out what HG was and that there are treatments, I wonder if things might have been different.

I do have to say though that now...I accept what happened. I was very sick and I was let know every day he didn't want the baby and he'd made suggestions he might not stick around if I did. If I'd not been so sick, maybe I'd have found the strength to do it on my own, but I can't ever know for sure and it is useless to talk in ifs and buts. I wouldn't have the life and husband and children I have now if I'd made a different decision.

I'll always wish I never had to make that decision, but I do know it was the right one at the time.

Yet still, it is there in the background. When a doctor asks me how many times I've been pregnant, I don't include this one. I don't have this in my sig. I feel a bit bad about those things that there is no acknowledgement for this poor baby like for my other children. I don't feel the grief in the same way as for my miscarriages, yet part of me feels I should feel it more as I was the one responsible.

But, the main purpose of writing this is that I can see and feel your pain and despair and I wanted to let you know you will never forget, but eventually, in your own time, you will come to terms with it. You are not to blame, you would not have done it had you not been so sick and you did what you had to for your family.

[janice]

Dear Kelly,

Thank you so much for sharing your story of loss(es) with me. That must have been so incredibly hard for you, dealing with everything ALL alone with no support from you partner and no HER forums. Just awful. And then having to suffer mc's as well. Having had a mc just a year ago as well, I know, I just know...I'm only surviving because of this forum. I admire you so much for getting through that. And you are now pregnant? Are you suffering from HG or have you actually been spared this time? I love the picture of your son. He is so adorable, and that smile...incredible!

Everyone I hear from who has actually survived having done this terrible thing gives me hope that I will at some point be able to go on with my life in a more normal way. I don't have much hope right now and realize that the valium that I've been taking at night does take the raw edge off during the day. Because when I don't take it I feel absolutely awful. Also feeling almost normal physically, the nausea, gagging, terrible taste in my mouth is now just a faint memory which makes me feel all the more miserable emtionally and question myself and my action. I may have been so close to starting to feel better I (although I was getting worse), but who really knows? I'm also not being the best mother to my son right now But the support I'm finding here is helping me take one day at a time and even forget for just a second here and there, find a little joy in hearing my son sing or looking at the spring flowers that are bursting forth here. I hope this is the beginning of healing, I really hope so.

I also realize that this may go on for some time and am trying to be more proactive. I know it took me 4 months on my own after the mc to get back to normal, and that was a mc. This is so different. I've written quite a long letter to my OB with lots of info from this website and other websites (Motherrisk, Blooming Awful, and even an article from an OB/GYN journal)and even if he ignores it all, just having written and sent it, and having some hope it might make a difference for another mother and baby makes me feel that I've done something constructive. I've learned so much in the last few weeks as well as from the research I've been doing which is, in a way, also part of going on and gaining an understanding of just what this is all about. I'm going to take some of this info to a therapist when I find one, because how else do you start explaining this to someone who doesn't have any experience with it.

My son and I went to a dinner gathering last night (trying to get back to normal) and sat at a table with several lovely women in their fifties/sixties. Suddenly, the conversation turned to babies (one of the women had just heard she was expecting a new grandchild), due dates, prenatal diet, and so on. The subject would stop for a bit, and then start up again. My ds's eyes got bigger and bigger everytime another comment came up, he was so worried about me. I held it together, but as the desert tray was brought around, there were, of all things, homemade ginger snaps, which brought up morning sickness, and I just lost it. I whispered to my son that I had to go (there were activities for children afterwards), made it to the car, sobbed all the way home. I walked in the door, and dh said a bit impatiently, "What's wrong with you??" I explained through sobs what had happened, which brought made me remember how stressed he was with me sometimes when I was sick, and that didn't help much either. My dh ended up picking my son up 30 minutes later. What a day.

Thanks so much for hearing me out once again.

Best,

Janice

[IslandDreamer]

(((Kelly)))

I PMed you.

(((Janice)))

I'm so sorry this is so incredibly difficult and painful.

Love to you both,
Suzanne