just me again

[nomore]

Hi ladies,

We just got back from a week long visit to my Moms and Disney world. We had a great time, aside from the fact that I had some very tough feelings I wasnt expecting. We went to my Moms house 5 days post termination for a week and I hadnt been there since.

The first night at her house, I had this strange dream that I had a baby and it was a boy. I told my DH about it and he thinks its an omen for a future prengnacy, but I think it was the baby we lost. For a long time now, Ive felt this last baby was a boy, even though I do not know one way or another. Its just so hard. My EDD would only be 6 weeks away from now..... but this baby could of been born in 3 to 5 weeks (more likely). Its just so not fair..... sometimes the hurt lets up and then bam, out of nowhere I am dealing with the same pain I felt in the days right after we lost the baby. Mh DH doesnt want me to dwell on my dream, but it was so real.. just like the dreams I kept having I felt the baby move around when I would of been 20 weeks along. WHY WHY WHY does my mind mess with me like this???????

[IslandDreamer]

(((Robin))))

I'm so sorry. The dreams suck, but can also be so revealing. I had a phantom pregnancy too...would imagine my size, obsess on her "should have been" development, dream things. It was pretty awful. But in some ways the dreams were freeing. I came to accept Lily and Jonathan because of one of my awful post-Hope dreams...so good can come.

The fact that your Mom's house is a trigger seems normal too...again, it's awful, but also normal, as if anything is normal about grief. Certain places, words, smells trigger my pain. Perhaps with time, your Mom's house won't be so fraught with memories. But then for me, I wanted to hold on to all the memories I could since that was all I had of her. Everything about losing a child is confusing...so many conflicting emotions.

I think you're right...your baby is a boy. We mommas know these things. Have you thought about naming him? Would that help maybe? Perhaps memorialize him on his EDD and give him a name?

With your EDD approaching, it's natural for things to return with more depth and power. You would be having a baby soon if it were not for HG. Of course you feel that. It's terribly sad and upsetting and unfair.

I'm so so sorry you are going through this.

Love,
Suzanne

[bibliojo]

(((Robin)))

I'm sorry -- I'm not very good at knowing what to say, but I just wanted to send you some extra hugs today. You are in my thoughts.

Joanna