Starting the grieveing process...

[christineb]

Hi everyone, my name's Christine. Some of the moms from the first tri. board probably know who I am. I just wanted to post the news that my 6 week struggle with HG ended on Thursday evening, at 10 weeks pregnant, and though I won the battle for my life, my baby lost that same battle. It was a terrible time that I had, and I hadn't been posting regularly because I was hospitalized for the majority of the past 3 weeks. One thing went wrong, and then another, and then another. I cannot even believe how much went wrong. Picc lines gone bad, feeding tube that didn't work out, a septic staph. infection, which is probably what killed the baby, in my opinion... I was lucky to escape without kidney or heart damage, or death, but I am so heartbroken that I won't get to bring my sweet new baby home at the end of July, despite how hard I fought, and how I prayed. I do feel cheated, at moments, even though I have two beautiful daughters who are overjoyed to have their mommy back home. And I am overjoyed to be with them again, that is certain. I have moments of grat thanks to God, and relief, that I survived, despite how poorly I was doing at the end. (My kidney function tests and potassium levels were warning of soon-to-be devastation to my body, as were my vital signs.) I do know that in two days, I would have been in the ICU, and quite possibly, physically injured beyond decent repair. My OB staff is relieved that "[my] body did what it finally needed to do, to survive, despite how horrible and painful that is." I just CANNOT believe that the HG got so bad in this pregnancy. I'm no stranger to it; I had HG with both my daughters. My first was very difficult - home IV therapy into my 5th month, and I was so scared (and there was so little info. available to me, 7 years ago), that I refused the phenegran they wanted to give me through the IV. The Iv fluids kept me Ok though - I was able to get to my store everyday, and run it for 13 hours. 2nd pregnancy, I took reglan pills, and could hold down fluids OK with them, just not food. I did have a few overnight IV fluid "fuel up" sessions, but it really was a very easy pregnancy, at least in my opinion! This one, however, I just can't figure it out. I guess I am in that early grieving stage - "the Whys" are going to drive me crazy. No matter how many times my very kind and caring OB tells me that I did everything I could, and I know they did everything - zofran max'd out in the IV, combinations of zofran and other anti-emetics, electrolytes, potassium, vitamins and minerals all through the IV. Constant blood work - constant follow-up. When I go the staph infection in my PICC line and the blod cultures came back positive, they started IV antibiotics immediately. I see that as the "turning point". The anitibiotics sent me on a vomiting expedition, unlike anything I've ever experienced, even with HG. And I just could NOT handle any fluids this pregnancy - no matter what I tried. All the "tricks" I'd learned in the first two pregs. did nothing for me, they failed me. I'm just going on&on here, I know that, and thank you all for letting me. I call this "Working through the "WHY" stage..."
Right now, I was wondering if any of you ladies who've had m/c with severe HG still had any nausea while still bleeding from the miscarriage. I had a D&C on Thurs., today is Monday. Yesterday, I had to return to the hospital, to the ER, because I was having intense pain, like labor, and a fever. It turned out that I had a whole lot of clots, and blood was pooling behind them, in my uterus. They did pass on their own within a few hours. The bleeding since then has been much heavier, and my doctor did say that would happen, and to call if it became heavy enough to soak a pad an hour. That hasn't been the case, thankfully. I'm just looking to see if anyone else still felt nauseous, had a touch of HG symptoms for a little while after the miscarriage happened, D&C was performed...? I am getting very worried that there is something really wrong with me, outside of HG, and that this awful sickness is never going to go away completely. I have been eating and drinking, holding everything down - just feels like morning sickness, though. Any words of reassurance or recommendation would be very appreciated. ANd the length of time I can realistically expect for my body to "return to normal". I know emotionally, I have a long way to go. Thank you all for listening. And I am so sorry that any of us have to post on this page. My heart goes out to all of you ladies. Especially those of you who don't have any children yet... don't give up hope...

[Gail]

Christine- I am so sorry for your loss. I am glad that you came through all of that. That must have been so scary for you. When I had my D&C after my m/c I did bleed alot, and for along time too it seemed. More then I thought I should, but like you, the Dr. said it was okay unless it got worse. As for the nausea, it was gone immediatley after the D&C. I understand being concerned since you've been through so much, but your body still has alot of healing to do from all the other complications you had to endure. Try not to worry about the nausea unless it gets worse, easier said then done I know. You need time to heal physically and emotionally. Please come her for all the support you need. Unfortunately some of us know what your going through.

[christineb]

This site and women like you have all made me feel like I can get through all of this without going absolutely insane. Thank you for being there, and yes, what an amazing group of women this is. I can't even begin to say how many of your (all of you) personal stories have inspired me these past few days. I am thankful for so many things I did NOT have to go through, despite the severe and totally surreal HG I just went through, only to come up "empty-handed". This is my place to come in those horrible moments where I just want to run outside and scream to the sky, "IT IS NOT FAIR! WHY do I NOT get to bring my beautiful baby home in July?! How could I have to endure that and have empty arms?" Because the love and support I get here calms me down, and makes remember that I don't have empty arms - I have a husband, and most importantly, two beautiful little princess daughters to fill them, every night. And I have a whole ocean of "internet arms" that surround me right here, whenever I need them. God bless you all. This is the toughest time for me right now, and I have you. I just don't know how I'd be doing without all of you...

[Jenny]

Christine,

I am so very sorry for your loss. This is all just so sad and devastating. I do not know the answers to your questions about nausea, but I do know my experience, and I will share that with you.

After my c-section in March with Jordan, I was still very sick for about three weeks. I was vomiting and felt terrible. My OB said that it could be still left over HG, the doc in the hospital said it could not be.

After my D&C in August, I felt so good that I felt guilty. I wasn't sick, I hardly bled at all. I was a little bit further along than you were and the HG had quit about a week before the D&C (that is when they are guessing Joshua died).

After my m/c in November, if I hadn't had blood tests confirming a m/c I could have sworn I was still pg. I didn't have any cramping and only spotted for a few days and then completely quit bleeding until my next period in late December.

Our symptoms were very different it sounds, but it seems like every woman I speak with has had different symptoms. I never was as sick as you were with any of my six pregnancies. If you are concerned I would definitely recommend calling your doctor.

Take Care, again, I am just so sorry for your loss,

Jenny

[christineb]

Thank you ladies for your response to my concern over the continuing (albeit mild) nausea. It relieves me to know that this process really does take a few weeks to complete. I did find out that my HCG levels were very high, and that for some women, it takes quite some time for them to "level off" after a m/c, even with a D&C. I am not panicking now, thankfully, just anxious for it to all end. I'm posting on the PTSD forum, if anyone thinks they can help me out there. I am definitely having a mental health crisis right now. I just have this constant anxious, frightened, panicked feeling. I'm not surprised, but it's still just awful, you know?

[PamelaRose]

I hope you're feeling physically better, Christine. When I miscarried, I did not have a D&C and bled heavily for a week and then intermittently for a few more weeks. I went back into my doctor for a follow-up check after my bleeding stopped, 6 weeks after the miscarriage began, my HCG levels still registered as pregnant. I started AF again a couple weeks after that, though, so my body was righting itself. Give it some more time, but I hope things heal for you soon.

[ggi1818]

Christine-

I believe you are the same person who responded to my post and sent me a private message. I don't know what to say except that I am so sorry for your loss. I'm glad you escaped with your life but feel terrible that you lost your child. Hang in there.

-George

[christineb]

Yes, that was me. I lost so much less than you, George. Your thoughts mean so much to me, and I've been thinking about you, your wife, your whole experience very much. You hang in there too. You are such an amazing person, you really are. ANd like I said, we're not that far away, if you need ANYTHING.

[IslandDreamer]

Christine,

How are you holding up?


George,

How are you doing?