HG and Termination...so devastated

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HG and Termination...so devastated

Postby AK79 » May 20, 2016 9:10 pm

I’m new to this forum and finally mustered the courage to share my story. I’m glad to have found this HG support site where women can help each other.
I’m 36 ½ years old and was suffering from HG and didn’t even now. This was a much-wanted unplanned pregnancy. I had to terminate at 11 weeks and 2 days. I’m just so devastated with grief and turmoil. This is thus far, the biggest loss of my life.
Sixteen years ago at the age of 20, I had an unplanned pregnancy in college. That experience of terminating left me with such a trauma. I have no idea how I emotionally recovered and I swore to GOD and myself that I would never ever end another pregnancy. Living with one termination was enough guilt for a lifetime.

Last August 2015, I moved to Manchester, UK. I was going to marry the man, whom I had known on and off for the last 17 years. It was the same man with whom I had the unplanned pregnancy with in college. I was so excited to make up for lost time and hopefully make peace with the what happened in college. This would only be replaced, by having a child. It had been 15 years. However, our relationship was tumultuous, escalating towards abuse, mental and emotional. As time progressed, I decided it was best to return home to the States and rebuild my life.

Six months later in February 2016, I returned home. One month later, I found out that I was pregnant. I was happy about the pregnancy, however my family was not supportive. They told me to conceal the pregnancy from my ex husband and go straight to the termination clinic.
I had sworn that I would not end another pregnancy. My family made very nasty comments about the pregnancy, especially towards the baby. I never ever got a “congratulations” about my pregnancy. The first pregnancy was concealed from my family and this one was hated by them. I did reach out to my ex husband and told him that I was expecting. I knew going back to England was far from ideal, however for the sake of my baby, I was willing to do anything. I had no healthcare in America, as I just returned home and was not working. I did not even qualify for Medicaid.

I did confirm the pregnancy with a doctor and even had an ultrasound performed. I was 6 weeks and 6 days and saw the little baby on the screen. Financially, I was doing everything on my own here with whatever funds I had. The doctor told me to wait until my first trimester was over and then to travel back to England where I had access to my healthcare. My ex was very unsupportive both emotionally and financially. Our living situation in the UK was not ideal, however despite the negativity from my own family and unsupportive ex husband this baby was ultimately coming. And I knew I would be going back to an abusive relationship, however once my medical health stabilized I was going to register for housing in the UK. Ultimately, I was going to be a single mom.

Honestly, I did not expect anything from my ex, but was eager to travel back after the 3 months so I could get access to my healthcare. I wanted this baby. But somehow, my health just deteriorated. For the next month, I could not move. This was a very aggressive pregnancy on my body. I had been pregnant before in college, however this was not normal. I could not function in this pregnancy. At around 5 and a half weeks, the nausea started. By 6-7, the vomiting began and smells started to bother me. I could even smell the fibers on my pillowcase, which made me sick. At around 8-10 weeks, my condition deteriorated significantly. I felt dehydrated, could not even shower or tolerate my own smell.
I would have to wear a nose mask at home to conceal any type of smell. I didn’t leave the couch for over one month. The biggest task of the day, attempting to shower, couldn’t even wash my hair. The nausea was unbearable and the fatigue was incomprehensible. When I would vomit, I could feel myself choking on the food that was coming up. I looked like a corpse. Nighttime was the worst, as I could not breathe or move. I felt like my body was giving up more and more everyday.

By 11 weeks, I just could not physically handle the pregnancy anymore. I was suffering from HG and did not even know.
My doctor recommended that I fly back to England immediately by the 10-11th week as I told her I was very sick. Earlier, in the pregnancy, I had even asked if there were any medications I could take for my sickness during my 8-9th week, however she said in the first trimester, it was not advisable to take medication. This is where, I needed the appropriate medical advice, but she kept telling me that the sickness would end by my first trimester. “It was just hormones.” I booked a ticket and was determined to fly back to England right away, but over the next few days, right before my flight, my body began to shut down. Flying on a plane was impossible and I had to cancel my ticket. I did feel at times, that I needed to be hospitalized, but continued to fight the illness at home. Having no healthcare here, my health started becoming rapidly worse and that's when I think the HG started to become more intense and aggressive. I had to terminate my pregnancy at 11 weeks and 2 days, which was about 4 and a half weeks ago. This has left me absolutely devastated and distraught. An unplanned, but much-wanted pregnancy. A pregnancy to make up for the turmoil and guilt of 16 years.

I consider this a tragic loss because I lost my baby when I fought so hard to keep her. I know I was having a girl; it’s my gut feeling. I named her Anisa and she would have been due this November. I know if I had access to appropriate medical care and support, I would have been able to sustain this pregnancy. I’m so lost and confused. I go over the situation everyday in my head. I hate myself for giving up, but my body just couldn’t cope anymore. I was in “survival mode”. My heart was in the right place, however my mind just wanted to feel “normal” again.
My body let me down and I was forced to end my pregnancy.
And now I realize that my judgment at that time was severely clouded. I should have fought harder. I would have been 16 weeks today. I feel like such a coward.

Sometimes, I think was I not destined to go back to that abusive relationship? How come, I never found out I was pregnant in England? I would have never left and would have had access to my healthcare. I am drenched in tears every single day. I don’t know where to go from here? I feel as if my soul has been ripped apart with the loss of my baby. I pray to GOD everyday for forgiveness and why this all happened. I try to make sense of this over and over again. I really need some support and feel immensely alone and confused. Please keep me in your prayers.
AK79
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Joined: May 20, 2016 8:24 pm

Re: HG and Termination...so devastated

Postby CML46 » Jun 07, 2016 11:28 am

Hi,

I have read your story & find it quite annoying that nobody has replied considering we have all been through these thoughts/feelings/things in some way or another.

It doesnt get any easier you just learn how to cope & manage with it day to day. I have found this site and find myself on it every single day hoping for a reply on one of my posts but nobody does. I am in the process of possibly trying again with hg and knowing this is basically the only form of support I have really puts me off even going there. I am just worried I have forgotten the place I was in when HG set in.

Its not your fault you were so ill and nobody understood. x
CML46
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Joined: Jun 02, 2016 10:52 pm

Re: HG and Termination...so devastated

Postby Seren » Jun 23, 2016 5:23 am

Hi there,

I want to send you some love and gentle hugs. My story is on here, we all have been through so much and it's such a personal experience that I think only those who've experienced it can truly understand.

Know that you did the only thing you could do under those circumstances, you did your absolute best. Don't punish yourself because you've suffered enough. Please be kind to yourself <3

Sending peace and love

Seren x
Seren
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Joined: Feb 17, 2014 7:55 am


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