My Story

Help with physical and emotional healing for moms who have suffered loss.

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My Story

Postby CML46 » Jun 03, 2016 2:45 am

Hi All,

I have been on this site for 7 months on & off reading posts & stories after finding it on twitter. I finally plucked up the courage to make an account & share my story.

I have been pregnant 3 times in total. (Yes I know what people are probrably thinking) The first 2 ended in abortion because of circumstances at those points in my life. I have grown to accept those choices & feel like I did make the correct choice for me. Its quite weird how Iv grown to feel less guilty about it & I will never understand why. I just believe thats what was meant to be.

However last year me & my partner of 2 & a half years were NOT ttc and somehow did. I only did a pregnancy test because I was just feeling different but couldnt put my finger on it. My moods were all over & I just felt really really off. I was so shocked when the results came back that I was. In my mind there wasnt really any doubt that I didnt want to have another abortion even though I decided I wasnt really in a hurry to have children. It wasnt the right time for me but then when was the right time for anyone?

I spoke to my partner & he said whatever I decide thats fine. We agreed that we wouldnt rush in to anything and have a good think. This is when the pains started. I cant really describe the pain it was a weird feeling like somebody was playing around inside my stomach yanking and pulling at raw flesh (sorry) I came home from work and he took me straight to the A&E department. Here this is where they first thought that I was having an ectopic pregnancy as I was in so much pain. They kept me in & told me that I would have a scan in the morning to see what was going on.

It was there in the hospital bed alone that I felt something I havent felt before. That I actually wanted to be a mother.The fact it was being questioned if I even had a viable pregnancy made me want it to be there and everything be healthy and looking ok. I stayed up for ages praying that everything would be ok.

In the morning I had my scan and there was a bleed in my womb. They couldnt see a heartbeat but they said that it could possibly be to early to tell. They said if I felt ok then I could go home and to rest & do nothing - but wait. I asked the consultant who came to see me if I was going to have a miscarriage and he said it looks likely now but If I go back in a week and they see a heartbeat the chances are much lower wih each day that goes by. I went home & was just quite numb looking back.

I promised myself that if I went back in those 2 weeks and there was a heartbeat and everything was fine it was meant to happen and I couldnt even think about a termination. However thats when things went incredibly wrong for me. I started with SEVERE sickness. I was suddenly throwing up everything and the nauesa I felt was like nothing I had ever experienced before. I couldnt get up, I couldnt drink, Couldnt eat - nothing.

One morning my partner had taken his child ( from a previous relationship) to school when I decided to ring 111 in the hope that somebody could just help me and give me something to stop the pain and sickness. I just couldnt take it any longer and it had only been 1 week. They told me that I needed to go to the hospital and somebody would help me there.

I just assumed I had a bad case of morning sickness and this was a good sign - sickness means somethings atleast happening a nurse told me. But it wasnt what I had experienced in the previous 2 times. It was about 30 x worse. Nobody however seemed to get it and the comments started which I HATED '' everybody gets ill & has pain'' ''its just something you deal with'' Looking back if I hadnt of been so ill I think id of really lost it with them. How uneducated is that?!?

They gave me fluids through and IV and sickness injections. it made me feel slightly better and I could go home. Then a day or so later it was back again. This happened on 3 different occasions where I needed to be admitted when I decided I couldnt do this and I felt like I was going to die. I literally was scared that I was going to pass out and not wake up & I was only 7 weeks gone.

I told my partner and we contacted BPAS. I was so unsure I knew I wanted to carry on but physically and mentally I just couldnt do it. They booked me in for a consulation & pill procedure on the same day. I like many others worried about how I was going to get there without throwing up and looking like a crazy woman, I felt like I couldnt face daylight or being outside - the only place I felt safe was in a hospital bed or in the position on the couch I had inhabited for the last 3 weeks. On the day of the consulation I waited for a little bit and went in but because they said I looked unsure wouldnt give it me that day (I HAD TO ENDURE ANOTHER WEEKEND OF THIS) I then went back on the monday to have the first pill. I just had to close off and take it. (I dont really remember how I felt I just know I wanted everything to be over)

When I went back for the second part I was too sick to have it that day and they sent me to the hospital for treatment before I could go back. I was admitted again given some drugs and then sent on my way. I got to have the second tablet and then I went home to wait for the pain to kick in. I just wanted to feel normal again id of done anything at that point.

Nothing really happened for a while - A bit of bleeding and cramps but nothing as bad as my last two terminations - this time I wanted to feel pain. I wanted to know that it was over but I didnt get any of that really.

A few hours later & the bleeding started but then it just didnt stop. I bled for 6 weeks continuously. I went back to BPAS in the hope that I would get some questions answered and all he did was sign me off and say that this is normal and to forget about it basically. I dont know how but I just knew something was wrong so I rang the BPAS helpline AGAIN and asked them to help me, they arranged for a scan at another clinic (as i didnt want to see this man again who told me is normal) so I went there a day or so later. It was here they said that I have been one of the ''unlucky ones'' ( I didnt think I could have any more bad luck) but that my pregnancy was now a failed abortion and that I needed to have surgery that day to remove what was left. However this clinic was like a converted house and I said no & left.

Instead I went to A&E where the doctors and nurses really helped me this time and sent me back to the pregnancy ward. They gave me the option of surgery or they said I could attempt the tablets again. I chose the tablet option and they let me go home. Still 6 weeks on I was being haunted by this terrible time. As far as I am aware everything came away and my follow up scan showed this to be the case. I could finally live my life... or so I thought.

With my last 2 terminations I knew they were the right thing for me so I just got on with life. Sometimes they would trouble me & I would have a blip & a cry but deep down I knew it was for the best. With this one I just couldnt really cope. I knew how I felt inside so I knew what would make me worse... I couldnt watch coronation street as there was an abortion/baby storyline in it. I couldnt watch programmes with babies in, I didnt want to be around any babies - NOTHING. Still 10 months on my heart leaps in to my throat when I know something to do with children is on the tv or I see a newborn when im out. But I cant talk to my partner as he doesnt get it. He is so strong mentally he just thinks I am pathetic for letting it affect my life to the point it does. On the few occasions I have spoken to him about it he gets angry at me for being so upset & I do wish that I could be like himI envy how he feels.

I felt like I shouldnt be the one feeling like this so far on when he can just get up and carry on as normal. I then began to feel like because he already had a child its ok for him as he has one and I dont so he doesnt care. It didnt really help how I feel him having a son of his own previously but it did make the relationship with his son blossom even more so than before. I found this to be very strange as I thought I wouldnt really want to be around him but no ... His son calls me his best friend & to be honest I think he got me through some sad times I had. But its just his dad that will never understand what its like to feel and go through that.

Anyway moving on to say 7 months later, I have dragged myself through most days. I started experiencing feelings that I think I wanted to get pregnant and prepare for HG this time (praying I wouldnt have it but all the same) I kept having dreams of me as a mother and it was all just very weird - considering after HG I swore I wanted no more pregnancies and wanted to be sterilised. I really wasnt sure if this was just my emotions as it has just passed what would of been my due date so I kept quiet to my partner as I feel like he doesnt get it & it makes me even more sad when he can be so cold and shut off when I feel so much. (Again I so wish that I could be as strong as him as I know he isnt doing it to be nasty)

This month (would of been my due date month) I didnt come on & again we arent trying to concieve. My periods are 31 days to the day and never late really so I took it as a sign that if I dont come on this really is fate. Anyway 9 days later I come on... in that 9 days I thought all kinds of things and experienced all kinds of emotions. I took around 9 negative tests & I got consumed. I didnt want to be caught pregnant without trying to concieve this time so decided I had to tell my partner when I realised that I want all these feelings I have been feeling on and off werent just my hormones and emotions being all over I wanted a baby.

I ummed and ahhed about how to tell him as we have had so many failed conversations of me trying to get forward my feelings and him basically telling me I am weak and pathetic and to get over it so I decided an email was the best way to get out my feelings (just like I am doing now sat at my work desk) I wrote to him how I was feeling and that I wanted us to start trying to have a baby together. He wrote back a lovely msg that he knows we are in a nice place together atm and he will have a good think about it. I am not sure why but I assumed that he would just automatically say yes. Because he has an 8 year old son with a girl who trapped him into a child with the old ''im on the pill' and told him after it was too late to really do anything. & even though he was young he welcomed that child with her so silly me assumed being so honest he would say yes.

Basically the outcome of this is that he said he doesnt want to have a child with me. He gave a number of reasons & said he hopes that we can grow as a couple & that before he has a child he wants to know that hes going to be with them and they are the one. So now I know thats what I want and I am truly holding back tears writing this paragraph now. Not to mention after us talking in a pub beer garden and going home (with me crying behind sunglasses all the way) he ended up getting in bed and then for the first time in ages came inside me. I just cant believe he would do that and then not want a baby with me. We both agreed that I would get the morning after pill as I mean as who would I be to not get it when I KNOW he doesnt want me to get pregnant.

:( I am so sad right now. I mean I know il get over it but I actually dont know what the next step is for me now. So confused.
CML46
New Member
 
Posts: 13
Joined: Jun 02, 2016 10:52 pm

Re: My Story

Postby Seren » Jun 23, 2016 5:19 am

Hi there,

I just want to send you some love. I'm guessing you will have read my story as you mentioned you've been on this site for a few months, I did the exact same and it helped me to read other women's stories and know I wasn't alone.

Things will get better, the feelings will always be there but you will get stronger as time goes on. You have suffered enough and been through such a terrible time, know that you did the absolute right thing and the only thing you could do given the circumstances.

Peace and love

Seren x
Seren
New Member
 
Posts: 21
Joined: Feb 17, 2014 7:55 am


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