Loss, loss, loss

[justme]

So, I go to counseling. You know, guilt, regret, sorrow. Why can't I have my baby? How could I ever have possibly have thought about termination? Then, after all that, why did my baby die anyway?

My dh, God bless him, was really, really scared because he is really convinced that if it had gone any longer, like one or two weeks, I would have died. So he went out right away and got snipped. My therapist says that not only am I mourning the loss of this child, but I am mourning the possibility of not every having anymore children.

But I don't really want the possibility of having anymore children, I want Casey. That is my baby.

Last week I cried all week long because I knew I would be halfway and would know if Casey was a girl or a boy. It was heartbreaking to realize that.

And what do I tell my 3 year old, Riley. I don't know if it is better for her to pretend it never happened or to let her know that she has a sister watching over her in heaven? I don't want to deny either one of them that, but what is best for Riley emotionally? I want to put up Riley and Casey's us pictures in this beautiful frame I got an honor both of my beautiful babies.

Well, I honestly think I am making myself sadder, so I am going to go for now. But please let me know how you handle it with your living children.

Thank you,
Karen

Riley, DD, 8/23/02
Casey Lee, EDD, 9/06

[Jenny]

My living children are much older and so I guess in some ways it is easier, they understand all of the details so I am just honest with them. They grieve a lot more for Jordan because they held him and kissed him and have photos of him. But with Joshua and Autumn, they acknowledge two more siblings in Heaven, but not the deep pain of being in the room and watching Jordan take his final breaths. We lost Joshua at almost 14 weeks and had chromosome testing. That is why we know for sure he was a boy and that he had Down's Syndrome. With Autumn we don't know any details, only that we miss that little one so much.

I met a woman this weekend, her name is Abby. She is about 21 years old. Her brother died at the age of seven before she was ever born. I talked with her about how it was to grow up with the idea of a sibling in Heaven. She said that it was always comforting to her. That when she is having a hard day she thinks of Matthew, when she is having a good day she thinks of him. He is with her all the time bringing her comfort. She said she has never felt alone because Matthew was always right there. I thought that was very sweet.

I know what you mean when people say that you are grieving the loss of the hope of a future child and you tell them you want Casey. When people tell me, Oh you will have another child. It doesn't help. I want my sweet Jordan back who squeezed my finger. I want little Joshua back who was kicking so early, letting me know he was there. I want my Autumn Joy back. I am sorry that Casey is not safe inside you right now.

Much love

Jenny

[Gail]

Karen, I've read over your post many times today. I wish I knew what to tell you. When we lost our baby my girls were 4 and 8. They knew we were going to have a baby, but then ofter the m/c and when I was feeling better we told them that it wasn't going to happen this time, like we thought. We were ready for any questions that they had, but they were content w/ that explaination and went on their merry childhood, carefree way. Occasionally now they ask if I will ever have another baby, and I have to unfortuately tell them no (b/c I can't). So to answer your question, I'm not sure what is the best thing to do. What does your heart tell you? Just b/c my children don't talk about the baby, doesn't mean that, that baby was any less important to me or that I still don't think about it to this day. I have the sonogram picture in my nightstand. The kids see it sometimes and they ask if that was the baby we lost and I just say yes. They usually say, how cute or wish I could have met it. I say me too.
I miss my baby everyday and even more so once the opportunity to have another child was taken away from me. But time does heal all wounds and I am able go on w/ my life and the pain is less, but the sweet memories will always be there.
I pray that you are able to find some peace in your heart.

[Trudy]

Karen,

I am so deeply sorry for your loss. I remember that pain well. The twins we lost were my first pregnancy. Our daughter is almost 2yrs and I have told her she has 2 sisters in heaven. She doesn't really understand yet but that will come. I'll tell Adam also when he is older. Even though they are in heaven they are still very much a part of our familly. We talk about them now and then and so it seems right for us that Beth and Adam know about them.

Take care and please let us know if you need anything.

[IslandDreamer]

(((Karen)))


***living child mentioned****




I've been thinking about your post and have no really good advice as we've not handled things well with Chris.

I want to tell you about my neighbor.....I will later...sorry...Chris is ready for lunch.