And don't forget that adopting as foster parents is FREE! Well, financially, anyways.
So, after two HG pgs, my dh had a vasectomy. I was 23. He was 30. We knew what HG was, we knew the 2nd pg was worse, and we knew we didn't want to face worse. So, we decided to adopt, became foster parents, waited a year, got a placement, able to adopt him almost a full year later. Hard, emotionally - not easy, but worthwhile. So, we considered another pg. Reversing the vasectomy adds another dimension you didn't consider, and we did. A reversed vasectomy means continued possible fertility. I was 27 when considering a reversal - like I wanted to be facing the scary possibility of more than one more additional HG pg? I think not, I thought not, and I still think, heck no! There is a special bond in my marriage due to the fact that sex is about intimacy, marriage, bonding, not conception. We had a close friend, single, who volunteered to be a sperm donor, and in two tries, I was pg - ok, it wasn't really so cut and dry - it took two years to plan and decide about, and lots of changed minds, but I did conceive, and in the end . . . I miscarried - ectopic pg. Horrific. So emotionally scarring that I refuse to ever conceive again - period. I absolutely cannot open myself up to the possibility of another miscarriage, which you also did not factor into your equation - what if you did the reversal, what if you did conceive, and what if you miscarried, again. I can't go there - it's so different to have a baby waived in your face, and then kept, or given to someone else - someone's dreams are coming true - someone has kept that child. But to put a child in my own womb, someone I can sense the presence of, a child who is mine - and then to loose it - that is just more than I can take. So, we're approved to adopt again - looking for a birthmom who wants an open adoption, or for a match through our adoption agency. Even then, it took a while for me to be able to move forward - to even apply. I wanted to a year after my miscarrige, but $ was too tight, and so last year we started, and this summer were approved.
So, here are my thoughts, based obviously on experience. I had hard deliveries with both my bio children. I was hoping that maybe I'd experience a normal delivery the 3rd time. A chance to see if I could maybe handle the pain without an epidural - maybe if I had a dula. So, I know what it's like, wishful thinking for the future, replace some of that bad memory from the past. I'll never experience that perfect birth. I've given birth, twice. I know what it was like for me. You've given birth, had a baby placed in your arms. You know what it is like. The future will never change the past, and only time will soften your loss. My miscarriage was 3 years & 3 months ago, and pictures of that time period still snap me directly back. There is nothing you can do, no child you can conceive, no child you can adopt, no experience you can ever have that will erase, reduce or fix your loss. With time, and I mean a good year or more, life will pull you forward if you let it. The living, current life, the child you have, hope for the future all can pull you forward, and you stop reliving the past so much, and start living the present, and then you start to live towards the future.
What would reversing your dh's vas get you? Maybe a baby - maybe. A steep cost, and a rating of fertility you could be disappointed by, or delighted by, only then to have to decide if he then has another vas, or what other means you are going to use to prevent pregnancy, and the reality of HG. You considered terminating your last pg. We're not talking about a woman deciding to ttc after two HG pgs, a natural miscarriage, and a list of drugs, who might be able to not consider a termination with a good Dr. and a promising protocol. We're talking about a couple who was afraid enough of this HG to discuss terminating a pg and who then were afraid enough of HG to have a vas done. HG is WORTHY of such fear. HG kills women, still, and is well known to be worse with each subsequent pregnancy. Don't forget to factor in the cost not only of reversing your dh's vas, but perhaps other fertility helps - and the costs of HG - child care, or loss of income, or medication, or delivery.
So, what is this DRs. visit for your dh about? Why the need to decide so quickly? You are a lucky woman to have a husband who would support adoption. Some men will not accept that option. Remember, it takes two to build a family, and this is not your decision to be made alone. Your husband has the right to say he does not want to support another HG pregnancy. HG takes a heavy toll, and is hard enough to decide upon, but you have to feel like it is the only right way in order to reverse a vas to get to the HG pg, and then endure one, too.
Adoption isn't a perfect path, either - but it didn't risk my health, I didn't vomit, even once, and I have come to know wonderful people I would have never met any other way. I've always known I could adopt - and I'm not sure I ever would have if I could have popped out 5 kids in 10 years like my mother did. I have nearly come to a place where I am thankful for my HG pgs.
I am truly sorry for your loss. Healing from your loss and adding to your family, though, are different things - and even should you decide to pursue another pregnancy, it shouldn't ever be for the healing of your loss, but because it's the right way for the next child meant to be yours to come home. I've come to believe that each child has their own time, and own special way of coming home - it's what keeps me sane,
. I look forward to the day when I know my family is complete - in the meantime, I am practicing patience.
Feel free to ask me more specifics - I really glossed over most of my history.
Oh, and I just have to ask, how old are you and dh?
Andy
Mom to Aaron 14 (HG), Anna 11 (HG), Adam 8 (adopted), Andrew 8 (adopted), fostering a newborn . . .