Odd feelings of guilt?

[SAHMommaOfTwins]

Hi there.I am new to this site and wish I would've known about HER awhile ago.After years of fertility treatments,I had a miscarriage due to HG when I was 11 weeks along.I had no clue what was wrong with me except that I was sooooo much more sick than anyone I ever knew.Only once I got pregnant again did my new o/b explain what HG was all about.It is very hard to learn at 6 weeks that this misery may go on untill delivery day!Well somehow I made it through,what I like to call,my own personal hell.My precious twins,Isabella Cosette(Bella) and Sebastiano Xavier(Baz) were born at 35 weeks and I'm not sure if my first thought was how beautiful they were or how glad I was to be done with this torture.Regardless,my husband got a vesectomy when they were 3 months old and we were both relieved.Of course now that my kids are 3 years old,I am wondering if that decision was too hasty.Remembering how terrible HG was(I doubt I could forget even if I had amnesia)makes me sure we made the right choice,yet there is this nagging urge to try once more.I crave the idea of a happy pregnancy that we can share all the excitement with our little ones.Also,I miss those cozy infant times when your baby is first discovering their surroundings and wants nothing else but to be snuggled up to your body.Reading some of your stories makes me feel guilty for not attempting another pregnancy.I have no idea where you women got the courage to try again,but I fear I am too wimpy to go through it.I commend your bravery but also can't fathom being entirely dependent on others,while having 2 children at home that need me.Are these normal feelings to have and did any of you question your family being complete?Thanks and nice to be where I'm understood.

[teddi]

To have more or not have more is a question we all wrangle with, well maybe not all but most.

Sometimes we have to make decisions that we won't have the children we thought we would because it's a matter of survival. It's a sort of like a no win situation... you feel guilt if you say "no more" and you feel guilt when you DO say "one more" and then ... your older child(ren) have no mom for a certain number of months, or you lose your job, or your finances are strained....

You are definitely not alone!

[justme]

We just recently had a horrible hg experience and baby loss, and we were so traumatized by it that we went right out and got a vasectomy. I am just devastated about not having anymore children of my own (we have 1). I have been to therapy and interestingly enough she said that I was not only mourning the loss of my Casey Lee, but that I was mourning the loss of any more children. I thought that was profound, had never thought of it. I believe I have heard others on the list talk about losing dreams - the dream of a good pregnancy, the dream of a big family, etc. I think that those are all losses that we do indeed mourn when the reality of hg sets in for us.

So yes, I question everyday my family being complete (and it never will be as Casey will never be with us) and dd Riley not having a sibling to share moments with. (Can I just say how of all things America's Funniest Home Videos makes me sad that Riley won't have a sibling to share those moments with and come up with crazy schemes with). And in all honesty I feel a sense of shame if you will that I *can't* be pregnant again, that my body seems to be so screwed up with this whole pregnancy thing. But I am glad that I will never have to be that sick again. It was terrifying.

But yes, the complexity of your feelings is real and understandable. I wish you the best as you struggle with them.

Karen