Oh goodness, Janice. Talk, vent, cry as much as you want. This is incredibly painful (understatement). And you have so much else going on. I'm sorry.
Don't ever feel like you can't say what you need to here. And if you need other places to talk, check out the pinned post about resources, too.
I am glad you kept your son home today. After Hope was born, I slept with Chris for several months...partly because he was my giant security blanket and partly because I needed to make sure he didn't die in the night, too. I totally understand. I still hate dropping Chris at preschool two mornings a week and would have had him home a lot if he were in school full days...totally get it.
How old is your son? Did he know you were pg? If you and dh think it is possible, you might consider telling your son that you are sad that the baby died. You don't need to offer more details than that. You wanted your baby, you love your baby, and you miss your baby. If he knows, it might be easier for you...and for him to understand. Chris still doesn't really know why Mommy freaked out for months and months...and now how do I tell him he's a big brother?
Have you considered naming your babies? I didn't realize I could name Hope until a few weeks after she was gone. With termination, you may think you can't name your baby or are not entitled, but you are entitled. You are your child's mother. Naming a lost baby is very personal, so please don't think you have to. It's totally up to you. I named Hope in my mind and only shared it at grief sites, but I did eventually tell dh and now everyone refers to Hope instead of "Suzanne's miscarriage." A name feels better for me. Jonathan and Lily were named YEARS later, after Hope actually, and I tell no one but my online friends. However it works for you is what you do with grief....that's the only rule.
I am so sorry you didn't receive better medical care. It does sound to me like there was a need for additional treatments, and I'm incredibly sorry you didn't get the care you deserved. Are you still having HG symptoms? I did after the mc...took a few weeks, maybe 6, for the HG to go away. I'm still weird about food, but doing much better.
Accepting a loss is incredibly difficult. I spent months trying to rationalize and convince myself that the intense grieving was unnecessary. What I learned was that the grief was/is very necessary for me. It's such a unique journey for every parent. I'm just so sorry you are joining us on this sad path. Here's a thought that helps me: Some folks say I need to "get over it." It meaning my daughter who died. What I've learned is that I will never get over losing her, not in the way they mean. I am slowing "getting used to" this "new normal" my life has become. Does that make sense?
You're in my prayers. Let me know if you want me to send you the Hayford book. I've got a Barnes and Noble card ready to make an internet order for you if you PM your address.
Suzanne