aaaaaaaaargh...dumb dumb dumb

[IslandDreamer]

My mother has issues...dementia is coming, I think, but she won't admit it. She went around my cousin's wedding saying I wasn't at the wedding because I have post partum depression. WTF? Okay, I know she's not fully there, but why say anything if you don't remember wth is wrong with me. I'm embarrassed...I know ppd isn't something to be ashamed of, but it's not what I have. I'm just mortified that my mother seems to find it her business to tell the world ALL of MY business.

Oh, and did I have this with Christopher? I never told her....aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack! The part where I said I could have died last year went right by you?

She wants to know, "do you get this when you're not pregnant?"

"It's a COMPLICATION of PREGNANCY!"

Dumb! Dumb! Dumb! Dumb! I was yelling at her trying to get her to listen...why do I bother when she can't get it?

[mammaclare]

I am so sorry. Has she always been a bit "hard of hearing" (my pet phrase for people who seem to only hear and recall what THEY want or think)? If it really is some early dementia I am so sorry for all of you--that must be devastating. If it is more a personality thing then I am still sorry!

[aaronsmommy]

My poor mother couldn't say anything right when I was sick, all she had to do was open her mouth and I would start seething. I knew where she was coming from, but I really wanted her to just leave me alone. I'm only now starting to build a good relationship with her again.

People with dementia tend to try hard to cover up their memory problems, and may confabulate a lot to do that, so maybe that is why she just couldn't say nothing. "I don't know" would have been an admition that there was something wrong with her memory.

I can't imagine how frustrating it must be to deal with that along with everything else.

[IslandDreamer]

Thank you, Clare. You know, I think you're right. She always has "known everything better than the experts" and only half listened. It's so frustrating.

Today she was blaming her shortterm memory problems for never hearing that I've had HG THREE TIMES. HELLO! So it's behavioral in that she hears what she wants and then meddles and gossips about what she "thinks" is true about others' lives. But the short-term memory is a real issue lately too.

The bride is a nurse and knows the situation, so I know she completely understands...as do my other girl cousins. But I just wonder what fabulous tales Mom spread to people I don't know or to my aunts and uncles. Asked my brother, who was at the wedding, if he heard mom's story. He said no, after she introduced him as her husband Joe, who divorced her 22 years ago, he just steered clear of her. I wonder who in the family believes anything she says anymore and who nods kindly. It's sad.

So I call back to apologize for yelling and she's like, okay and forgive. Then I spell out Hyperemesis and make her write it down. Then she says (get this) "I'll be sure to tell everyone this is what's wrong." (The part where it's none of your business to tell anyone didn't sink in?) So I was pissed again and said, "It's not your business to talk about my medical problems so randomly, ESPECIALLY when you have no understanding of them and don't plan on understanding them. Just tell people I'm sick and stop spreading misinformation on a poorly understood illness."

Okay, venting again. Sorry. So both issues, I guess. Just SOOOOOOOO don't understand people who rattle their mouths on stuff they do not comprehend. And it's especially difficult when they are family...

Thanks for listening.

[IslandDreamer]

Aimee, thanks. You must have been responding while I was writing my book to Clare . Maybe that's why she feels compelled to tell stories, though she has my whole life. My brother and I compared notes and realized this several years ago.

I know one can't speak rationally with someone dealing with dementia and I feel like such a bad person for always going off on her. Any coping strategies that you can recommend?

Thanks again.

[aaronsmommy]

I'm sure there's a lot out there about coping strategies, I don't really know any. The one thing that came to mind was caller ID and not talking to her until about a year postpartum, but I guess that isn't really possible.

I think it can also exaggerate personality traits too, must be hard, especially now.

[Jolene]

Suzanne,

Mothers can be such a pain, you wonder if they even mean well! At least that's what I wonder. I am sorry yours isn't more receptive to what you say.
Every single time I talk to my mother says, so you do feel better, right??? It is almost as though she has to hear me say it a zillion times to make herself feel better for not wanting to help me when I was really sick. When I was in the worst of it, I had the at home IV and I asked her, (knowing she worked with Hospice and had experince with at home medical machines) if she could come up and help me. I got every excuse in the book why she couldn't. I let it go, because whatever...I didn't have the energy to dwell on her. Now, it seems like she has to justify to herself that yes I do feel better, so it was OK that she didn't come when I needed her. Do I have a IV at home? NO. Do I have to throw up and keep a bucket in my face 24/7 still? NO...but it still hurts my feelings to hear her tone because I KNOW what that tone means! It means that she wasn't there when I needed her and never will be.

Boy, did I just steal your vent? I am sorry, but your mother story brought me right into my mother story...whoa...do I feel better after letting that out! Again, didn't mean to hone in on your post Suzanne, but I do feel for you. Sometimes I think it is best to just let it go and not get into it with them. What's the point, after all? We need our energy for our children and for us.

Jolene

[mandy]

Hi Suzanne,

I have a very close relative suffering with dementia. Whoa, it's hard work! My coping strategy; I've learnt to just agree with almost everything. 'Yes, my name is Fred. Yes I do have 10 kids. Yes, you were a beauty Queen......................' etc etc. If I argue my point, we just go through the whole conversation again about 3 minutes later. So not worth it. I really feel for you. Coping with my relative and hg would barely have been possible for me. Man, it's barely possible now!

Best wishes, Mandy x

ps I would hate this person to tell people all different things about me too. You have me wondering what might be said behind my back now!

[IslandDreamer]

Just a week ago, I posted about a similar conversation with my mother where I used and explained the words hyperemesis: http://www.hyperemesis.org/forums/viewtopic.php?t=2510

Sheesh...but I never told her what's wrong?

[mandy]

They ain't 'normal' with dementia suzanne!!!! They are a double whammy then! Hg ignorant and in my relative's case, just plain ignorant too!

Hugs, Mandy x

[Kadinga]

Denial from the people we need to care about us is cruel, even when you do know that there is a good reason for it. It sounds like you've probably also got a lot of old wounds in this relationship that are just waiting for her to rip open again.

If she was introducing your brother as her (long divorced) husband, I can't imagine that anyone took her seriously. If anyone cared to know the real details explaining your absence, they'd have called to show their concern. Otherwise, I think you can safely assume that they've filed your mother's gossip in their memory's "delete file"

Amanda

[helen-l-a]

Hi Suzanne,

I guess it really didn't help much that she decided you had already delivered? If it is any consolation the other guests probably had absolutely no idea what she was talking about since most would be aware you were still pregnant.....

My mum seems to think she can openly discuss my private life with all and sundry too, you are not alone!

Helenxxx