Comments Based on Fear and Helplessness

[HdGAMom2B]

To HalGal:

HI there. I wanted to respond to your post. It sounds a lot like my MIL also. I think that from years of getting to know her, I've grown to interpret that comment from MY MIL as concern, and not knowing what to do/say. I know that your situation may be different, but when mine said that, I just thanked her. I don't have any other kids, so she might not end up helping in any way that is meaningful from day to day (she lives in NJ anyway), but she did offer, which is way more than my last pregnancy.

Speaking of that, she did ask me to forgive her for her complete ignorance last round, and she said she just was so afraid, and felt like she didn't understand. So, since 5 years ago, she's come a long way, to be there mentally, saying, 'yeah, I was messed up then. I know I didn't help you. I wish I knew better back then, because maybe you'd have a child now... you can count on us for support. Whatever you need." That's a million miles forward for me.

I think that so many of our family members are from that generation that says 'suck it up', and makes us think that if we don't force ourselves out of bed, and get over ourselves, that we're weak, that we're giving in.

Another thought: I Do walk around saying, believing, praying, I WILL NOT GET SICK. GOD HAS REDEEMED ME, AND I WILL HAVE A PLEASANT PREGNANCY. I WILL BE PREPARED, AND I WILL USE ALL OF MEDICINE THAT IS AVAILABLE IF I GET SICK. BUT I AM BELIEIVING, AND PRAYING, THAT I WILL NOT GET SICK, AT LEAST NOT TO THE POINT OF LAST TIME, THAT AWEFUL CYCLE OF DEHYDRATION WITH NO AGGRESSIVE TREATMENT. (If I sound like I'm in denial, then judge like that, laugh at my blind optimism, and consider me a fool) -- however, if you look at my time here, all I've done is prepare, mentally, physically -- so I'm very much going into this with my eyes open. BUT, For me to live my life, just waiting for the other shoe to drop, I'd never pursue another pg. It's just not possible for me to be mentally healthy, while STILL thinking that I"ll be miserably ill, in order to achieve our goal of being parents. So, in a nutshell: I understand how your MIL may have reacted, because we had NO support from anyone last round, and we terminated. I understand that it is a defense mechanism sometimes for people to make those 'stupid' comments -- the foundation is fear and helplessness most cases. Most of our famiy members do love us, and don't know the right thing to say, so something hurtful comes out.

I maintain my resolve that I can have a pregnancy that I can live through, no matter if I'm sick or not. I cannot be angry at everyone who just doesn't get it -- I feel sad that they aren't educated, and SO I give them information, so that they see their ignorance, and change their responses to it. I have brochures printed out, and i'm handing them out to everyone. So this next time, we'll be surrounded by people who truly know what's happenieng, and aren't destined to be in this folder, because of their hurtful/painful and ignorant comments.

Knowledge brings responsibility and a renewed expectation that you know better, and are held accountable to respond accordingly.

I dont know it all, but I know one thing: If you want something bad enough, you'll surround yourself with those who want it for you too, and it'll be a much easier journey to your destination, when you travel with those who love you, and are with you every step of the way, holding you up, and edifying you -- sick or not.

Hope I've encouraged you a little.

Christy