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Yesterday, Dh said to me "Do you want to have another baby?" (he knows I do). Of course I replied that I do and he said "Well, then let's have another baby" Now, he was trying to get some play, so I took it not so seriously.
Seems he WAS serious. So, for a year now, he has been my convenient excuse not to TTC another. I really DO want another baby-desperately. But, I do NOT want to have hyperemesis another 8 months straight and I am terrified of getting pregnant again and having it be even worse. Recurrance rate is about 75-90%.
It has been easy to say "poor me, I want another baby and am willing to barf my guts out for months, and be off work and be bedridden on an IV BUT my husband won't agree". Now, he IS agreeing to it and all of a sudden I am so scared. Maybe I am NOT strong enough mentally to go it again. Maybe I was just making it seem like HIS choice when it was really me too?
We still have a lot of talking to do on this...in order to do it again, we have to find a time when I can be out of commission for months, we have to have a pre-conception appointmetn with a new OB and talk about our protocol for when I get sick, we have to have family and friends lined up to help out with everything, we have to plump up savings in case I lost my job (I am the only breadwinner) this time. The list goes on. I can't simply decide to TTC and then get PG like most people...I have to basically plan for the 9th circle of hell.
So...now that my convenient excuse of DH not being on board is gone, I am so lost. Am I really strong enough to do it? Do I want to risk my job? Do I want to not be able to care for ROry for months? Do I want to feel like **** for 3/4 of a year?
The bottom line is that I would move heaven and earth for Rory and so I want to have another being I feel that way about--and I want Rory to have siblings. We talked adoption but I am afraid I would't feel the same about that child. I am so confused right now.....
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