Hyperemesis Gravidarum Support and Research Forums

I had been in the hospital for the first four months of my pregnancy with hyperemisis and then had home health care and total IV therapy at home for the next three. I was 29 weeks pregnant when I stopped feeling my baby move. The doctor kept telling me babies do that sometimes, but I (unable to trust my physician) went to the hospital and found out my baby had died. I delivered him the next day and my heart has been broken since. I think about him always. My doctor told me that my placenta pulled away from the wall of my uterus causing Caleb to die. No matter how long you wait it does not get better. Especially when you sit and wonder if your doctor was telling the truth. You see, after I delivered Caleb my ob doctor came in the room and told me that some people have autopsies done but he would advise against it because there was nothing wrong with me or Caleb, that he did pull away from the uterine wall and there was no explanation for it. I believed him until I had to get copies of my hospital and medical records for something else and he put that he advised us to have and autopsy but we refused. Now, not only do I think about my baby all the time, but I wonder if there was something that could have been done to stop it. I don't know how other woment feel, but I know that I hurt always. I miss him always and I cry constantly even though he died on August 5, 2004. I just can not let go. My parents want me to have my tubes tied because my hyperemisis seems to get worse with each pregnancy. I don't know what to do. I know that everyone worries about me when I am pregnant, but I want so badly to have another baby. My husband and I have no children with each other so I really want one. I also do not know if I can handle losing another baby. And really wish there was someone else to talk to that has been through this.

Sherry,

I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot even imagine how you must feel. I pray for your heart to heal. If you want to have another baby, that decision is up to you and your dh, don't worry about what others say.

Take care,

((((Sherry))))

I am deeply sorry that Caleb died.

The news from the medical records is awful. I'm sorry. Just when you are able to start breathing a little bit, some one comes and rips a new hole in your heart. I'm just so sorry.To lose a child under any circumstances is painful and difficult, but when complications like hg are part of the pregnancy, to lose the child seems even more unfair. I know. Too many of us here know this pain.

My daughter was younger than Caleb when she died...her heart stopped at 10 weeks and she was born at 12 weeks. I have grieved, long, hard, and loudly. At 5 months, where you are, I really struggled...I remember a day when I was simply paralyzed from the grief. We hosted a small group from church at our house and I refused to get off the floor of the office. Everyone met in the livingroom while I sat numbly in the back room.

There just are not easy answers, but the one thing I've learned during this journey is to try to accept however it is I am feeling. This has come hard, very hard. Some days I am glad to be Hope's Mom, some days I pretend I'm not, some days I can hardly wait to get to bed and away from reality, and some days I just cringe because I know everyone looks at me as the woman who can't handle "just" a miscarriage (I've been told far too many times "at least you didn't lose a real baby, Suzanne"...like when did she become real? at what age? ).

The idea of letting go is difficult and also rather a false concept, to me anyway. What I mean is that I've let go of some dreams and some plans, but I have not (nor must I) let go of my love for my daughter. I am her mother, she is my child...forever. What I try to let go of are the things that hurt me such as thought patterns, destructive behaviors, and unsupportive friends. My life is purer and more positive in many ways, but it is also much sadder and emptier . Does that make any sense?

Have you found support online or in person? Books? Activities that allow you to grieve? www.nationalshareoffice.com is a good loss site. And I find great comfort in the writing of Sherokee Isle and got the theological support (I am a Christian) from Jack Hayford's [u]I'll Hold You In Heaven[/u]. The other things that have helped me include prayer, new bereaved Mommy friends (what a sad club to belong to), and doing things to remember Hope and her two siblings who I long denied existed.

Please share more about your son when you are ready.
Love,
Suzanne

(((Sherry)))

Thinking of you.

Suzanne