Sudden Fears and Realizations

[Jenny]

I am not sure if this is appropriate for this forum if not please move it to the appropriate spot.

I am now twelve weeks pregnant and we lost our precious son Jordan March 11 of this year due to trisomy 18 and being born extemely premature. We knew of his diagnosis from December 20 - the day of his birth March 11. We spent that time trying to plan how to make his time with us as perfect as possible. He was due on Mother's Day 2005, but was born eight weeks early because he stopped moving and his heart was having decelerations.

Today I was talking with my husband about how things went in the hospital when Jordan was born and his 32 hours with us and how I would want things different or the same with our next delivery.

When Jordan was born he was rushed to the NICU. We had decided ahead of time that I wanted Charles to stay with Jordan so that Jordan did not have to be alone. Well, he did that and almost everyone from our bustling OR rushed out also. Leaving me, the anesthesiologist and my OB and a nurse. (At least ten people left with Jordan).

I began crying as I remembered the lonliness of being left there all exposed and empty. It was very hard. I asked him to please stay with me if possible until I am able to leave the OR. He of course agreed. I was very tearful as we spoke.

Then we started talking about what will happen later. And I remembered that twice the nurse tried to make me share a room with a mom and healthy baby. I was distraught and it took a lot to convince them that that would have been torture. Finally Charles was allowed to stay with me, but after Jordan died, they moved us to pediatrics as there were no rooms upstairs for single families. I suddenly realized that they did a lot of moving around to allow me to have Charles stay with me last time because of Jordan's illness and death, but that will probably not happen this time.

When Jordan was about 29 hours old after two days in the hospital, Charles left to go home (only about two miles away) to shower. No sooner had he left then the neonatologist came in and announced that Jordan took a sudden turn for the worse and we had to get him back right away. I was alone when I heard that our sweet son would be leaving us very soon. Charles was back within minutes, but I will never forget how utterly alone I felt.

Now I am terrified of being alone this time. I know it is a different situation and probably things will be just fine, but I am boardering on anxiety attack thinking of being alone. I am so sure they will not allow him to stay over night. It took so much of a fight last time to make it happen.

How do you all reconcile that in your hearts? I wish I could have the c-section and go straight home. Of course that can't happen, then I wish he could stay with me, but I know they will not allow it. And I can't imagine the invasion of sharing a room with someone. I wish our hospital was not stuck in 1950! There is no other option, the next closest hospital is 45 minutes away and my OB doesn't go there.

Maybe it is hormones or grief or just feeling so sick that is making me frantic and I know I have a long time to figure this out, and I can plea with the hospital but it seems hopeless. Please pray that not too many moms are having babies that weekend!!!!

I also realized today that on August 24 it will be 5 and a half months since Jordan's birth and 5 and a half months until our new baby arrives. Every moment after that I will be further from my sweet prince and closer to our new blessing. For some reason that is very confusing and upsetting to me.

rollercoaster of emotions,


Thanks for listening

Jen Missing Jordan so much today

[HGx3]

I am so sorry you are hurting and scared. Is homebirth with a midwife an option?

[Jenny]

Wow I wish, I have to have a scheduled c-section because of the fact that I just had a c-section in March and I am at risk.

[shearn01]

Jenny,
I am so sorry. It must be difficult to be going through all of these emotions at once. You know, you had the right not to be in the room with a mom and a healthy baby. Is it a possiblity to have the OB discuss with the OB floor your situation? The hospital I used to work at only had like 5 private rooms the rest semi and the FOB's couldnt stay. After having AJ I could not imagine not even having the option of my dh stay with me (although he did not b/c he needed to be home and fortunatly for me my second family was there). My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[teddi]

Jenny,

I would love to point you to some resources. You do not need to have a repeat c-section, there are other options. If you are OK with doing it, then that's one thing. If you are not ok, you can VBAC.

I remember from my c-section I was barely there, barely a part of what was going on. The whole procedure was painful and frightening. Then it got worse, they put the babies in front of my face momentarily and my DH left with the babies. And I was alone, and awake for a surgery I didn't want in the first place. And then I was in the recovery room for 3 hours, mostly alone. I used to be a very solitary person, and now, I can't stand being alone (Dealing w/PTSD from the "birth" experience). And on top of that you had a very sick baby, and that must have been so terrifying.

I can't believe your hospital was going to allow you to share a room. That's so insensitive. I was fortunate in that my hopsital, for twin mom or moms w/babies in the NICU tries to give them a private room. I couldn't imagine sharing a room w/a mom w/her baby there. Even the cries through the walls were enough for me. My husband had the option, but never did, sleep in the room w/me. Looking back, in the first days when I was too sick to get around myself, it still felt helpless and abandoned.

If you do decide to have a repeat c-section draw up a birth plan that you are more comfortable with. You can research and talk with your doctor & hospital what their policies are and see if there is any flexibility. The problem w/ a c-section is that, even the best one, you're still imobile, laying on the table - helpless in a way (you can't even feel your legs), and alone, if just in the fact that your the surgical patient. Me personally, I hated that, and unless I have no other choice again I will not allow it to happen. So IF I am ever going to be birthing again, I will VBAC. If I'm told no, then I'll labor on my own in the parking lot and wait til crowning for someone to catch that baby, or maybe I'll do a homebirth.

There was just a study done that showed that there isn't any benefit to electively repeating c-section. And if you Dr. is saying there's a lack of time between babies... I'd ask him to please let you review or know at least which studies he is citing.

I know the standard is "wait one year" w/ a c-section. Well by the time yoru baby comes it will have been 11 months. Is your Dr inferring that that one month defecit leaves you are some much higher risk of rupture???? I don't see the actual medical proof here...(or maybe there are other factors (s)he's concerned about?).

[Jenny]

My doctor who I adore is all for VBACs and has only been in the Redding area for a year or two. BUT the only hospital in Redding that has a maternity ward does not allow VBACs. I have had three natural births without pain meds. My son Zach who is twelve was born after only 45 minutes of hard labor and one push. I would love to have a VBAC I know the difference between two or three days of discomfort and weeks in bed. After my c-section, I developed a seroma (a pocket where fluid collects at the incision site) it was horribly painful. And even worse was that the spinal block left a whole in my spine which leaked out spinal fluid and I was in agony with back, neck, and headaches for two weeks. At that time, they did a spinal blood patch. This is the most horrifically painful thing I could imagine. They took blood from my arm and injected it into my spine to clot the hole and stop the spinal fluid leak. I can not possibly tell you how painful that was. (plus the guy who did it was a jerk and cruel and was even cruel in the words he said to me. The nurse attending appologized for his behavior profusely and held my hands as he stabbed the needle into my back so hard that I smashed my chin into the table that I was supposed to be leaning against)

If I could have the ease of natural child birth and my own OB and my family near by that would be my choice. But Mercy Hospital (ironic name huh) doesn't allow it.

My only other option would be to travel 45 minutes to another town and deliver there. But my kids would have a hard time getting there as would family and friends and I wouldn't have my OB.

There is another side to this also. Even though I have had three very successful natural births, since Jordan died, I have heard of like a million people say that their baby died of a cord accident during birth. What if I maneuver like crazy to have natural birth and my baby dies? I know that it is not common but it scares me so much.

I am so confused by all of this. I will talk to my OB next Wednesday about all of it and cry on his shoulder and see if he has any ideas. I also had a local doula (whose son died from a cord accident) who helped us through our time with Jordan who may help me to process the pros and cons to natural birth. (she teaches natural birthing classes).

Any ideas anyone?????

Jen

[teddi]

Oh Jenny. I'm soo sorry. I really am. The one thing I cling to is that me and my daughters are healthy. I'm so sorry you lost so much, and went through so much. And I know you made that sacrifice so give your son any chance he had to meet his mom & dad & family. It's terrible that you had to deal with insensitive a-holes and such bad physical complications. I cannot imagine.

I just want you to know I read this. I will get some resources and get back to you as soon as I can. (((HUGS)))

You're so brave and loving.

[aaronsmommy]

With a 45 minutes labor, maybe you can deliver vaginally before they can even get the anesthesiologist out of bed to do a csection?

I would probably choose to deliver at the further hospital (csection, or vaginal). Maybe your doctor can refer you to someone he knows? I wouldn't want to share a room (even though my husband would always go home to sleep). Your family can make the drive if they really want to go (in some places, the nearest hospital is further than that!) but they will have plenty of time to visit with all of you when you get home.

If they tried to put you in a double room with Jordan, I can't imagine they will go out of their way to get you a single one this time.

The hospital can be so full of those haunting memories - I totally understand your fears. I had a hard time with Aaron's pg because I had to stay 2 weeks in the same hospital room that I had been induced in alfter my first baby died. They first day I just sat there listening to his hearbeat on the monitor, reminding myself that this time was different.

[Kadinga]

Jenny,

I know that it must seem unthinkable to choose the other hospital for your birth, but it' might be worth the research anyway.

We live in a farming community between towns. One town is 30 minutes drive away and that is our council area. The other town is 45 minutes drive away. Birth is dangerous how ever you do it, so there will always be hideous stories no matter what hospital you go to, but we have NEVER heard a good story about the closer hospital, and the bad stories are SO bad that we decided to travel the extra distance to have our baby in the other hospital, 45 minutes drive away. The care and consideration we received there more than compensated for the drive. I don't doubt that if I'd gone to the closer Hospital my ideas on my c/s birth would be a lot more like Teddi's.

Do the research on the other hospital. If nothing else, it will keep your mind busy feeling like you are doing something to maybe make the next birth experience better than the last. All the things you wish you could have are the things to ask the new hospital about. Draw up your dream birth plan and see how they react to it. If there is a more positive attitude, especially about having your DH stay with you, but at the very least about you being a priority for a private room, maybe it is worth the extra travel. Your doc sounds wonderful, and I understand you wanting to stick with him, but I'm sure he'd help you research other docs that do work at the other hospital, and write you a very good letter of introduction. It really didn't sound like you would want any risk of that same horrible anaesthetist, and at least you'd know you wouldn't get HIM at the new hospital.

After you've gone through your birth plan with the other hospital, try writing a pros and cons list about changing hospitals. Take that to your doc and talk about it. It is SO important that you feel prepared for and comfortable with what is planned.

I wish you all the very best for the difficult time ahead.

Amanda

[Alison]

Oh Jenny!

That is absolutely horrible! Honestly, I have found California doctors to be extremely rude and incompetent. I went through a pregnancy in Dallas and the doctors were great even though they were not that familiar with HG, they tried to understand.

The pregnancy I had here in Murrieta, CA at Inland Valley Medical Center (please don't any of you go there!) was dreadful! One small example, when we were leaving the nurse was upset that we pulled her away from her chit-chatting to release us and she grabbed the IV and litterally ripped it out of my hand while bending the needle in the process. I had a welt for a month.

If they treat you like that you should not be there. If they will treat YOU like that, what can you expect from them towards your new baby? For yours and your baby's sake - go to the other hospital!

Sincerely,
Alison