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Struggling to cope as my due date draws near... :(

PostPosted: Jan 07, 2015 8:53 am
by Nina19
Hi there,

I would have been 34 weeks pregnant tomorrow... which means 24 weeks since my termination and it would have been 5 weeks until I would have met my little angel... I have mentally changed from counting up to counting down... and I am REALLY struggling to cope.

Today a very dear colleague (who I am beyond thrilled for!) went for her 10 week scan. Her hubby could not join her, as he is out of town for work, so she asked if I would mind going along. I was honoured and excited to do so. As the time to leave drew near, I realised that, as delighted as I am for her and as much as I genuinely wanted to share the wonderful moment with her, I simply could not do it. She is one day less than I was when I terminated... it is just too close to home and I don't think I could handle seeing that image on the screen as a reminder of what I lost at exactly this stage. And to visit her friend in the maternity ward, with her one day old newborn, directly afterwards...

After she left I went to the coffee shop in our office park for a bit of solitude, but as soon as I got back to my desk the tears simply would not stop flowing. Just streaming down my cheeks like rain... and I don't know how I am going to manage the next few weeks without absolutely crumbling. I am still so utterly devastated by what happened, the way it happened... the fact that I took such a horrific decision, in utter contrast to my nature, in the suicidal, detached state I was in and that the doctor's simply went ahead without getting me any counselling, providing any nutritional support or medication or contacting my family for support or anything.

And the compounding factor: the sterilisation. All hope lost...

I am smiling and functioning on the outside, but I am spiraling downward rapidly on the inside. I am suffering from severe PTSD, I'm on anti-depressants and seeing a therapist and psychiatrist... but nothing can fix the guilt and grief that is consuming me.

How will I ever see the light again? :(

Re: Struggling to cope as my due date draws near... :(

PostPosted: Jan 10, 2015 2:09 pm
by MichellevsHG
I am so sorry you're feeling this despair. After my loss last year, my impending due date was hard to see. I have noticed that since that horrible date, I have had better days. I still have bad/sad days, but I am no longer counting. There is a light at the end of the tunnel for you too.

Allow yourself to have those days. Some of us mark our due dates with an outing with family or quiet day/night at home. We planted a tree in our yard. Now we can watch the tree grow with our living daughter.

I will be keeping you in my thoughts. *hugs*

ETA: I too have terminated a pg due to HG. It is hard, but you are doing everything you can. You DID everything you could. HG is an evil disease.

Re: Struggling to cope as my due date draws near... :(

PostPosted: Jan 10, 2015 4:43 pm
by Nina19
Thank you so much for the caring words and thoughts, Michelle... it means a lot to me and helps that I can voice how I feel to someone who has been there, who does understand xxx

I am a naturally optimistic and happy person, so this overwhelming feeling of dread and despair is such an unfamiliar emotion to me. It just feels like this dark cloud will never lift and allow me feel the happiness of the sun again... I pray that it does grow lighter after my due date passes.

It's going to be a tough year, with two girls at the office now expecting. I am so happy for both of them, but so painfully envious... especially as they appear to have easy, happy pregnancies so far with not even mild morning sickness. That was my greatest wish, to experience such an easy and truly enjoyable pregnancy. Alas... I do sincerely wish them healthy and happy pregnancies and babes, as I would never wish anyone even a shadow of the torture of HG...

So the countdown continues :-/


Re: Struggling to cope as my due date draws near... :(

PostPosted: Jan 13, 2015 7:12 pm
by MichellevsHG
Oh Nina, we would be good friends IRL! When I went back to work, one of my co-workers had a loss only a day before me. She had mild HG and we often talked about our experiences. She has since gotten pregnant again and is due in June. I have painfully avoided her because it hurts my heart to know that she will be able to give her daughter a sibling and I have not been able to do that. :( It's such a horribly sad feeling. I feel like a bad friend, but I think she knows why I haven't been able to talk to her.

One day you will see the sunshine!

Re: Struggling to cope as my due date draws near... :(

PostPosted: Jan 15, 2015 8:09 am
by Nina19
Thanks so much Michelle xxx

The two girls are both back at work after the festive season today and sharing the happy news with everyone and comparing notes... they are 11 1/2 and 13 weeks respectively... So there is much excitement and I am sincerely happy for them, but it's really hitting me hard.

I don't want to ruin their happy moment, so I am just sitting in my car in basement, sobbing my heart out......

Thanks for the caring, understanding and encouragement xxx

Re: Struggling to cope as my due date draws near... :(

PostPosted: Jan 18, 2015 9:24 pm
by MichellevsHG
Hugs! I'm so sorry you are sad. :(

Re: Struggling to cope as my due date draws near... :(

PostPosted: Jan 19, 2015 4:22 am
by Nina19
Thanks Michelle xxx

Re: Struggling to cope as my due date draws near... :(

PostPosted: Jan 20, 2015 8:52 am
by Seren

It's Seren. I think we spoke a while back, I posted last time a week before my due date and so I understand what a tricky time this is. I am thinking of you and so are lots of other women, we are all together mentally, supporting each other <3

I am just going to post an entry about how I felt. Just thought you may want to know.

You're in my thoughts xx

Re: Struggling to cope as my due date draws near... :(

PostPosted: Jan 24, 2015 4:14 am
by Nina19
Thanks Seren xx

Yes, I remember, as I was following your journey and updates closely. I have been wondering how you're doing now. I hope all us well with you and that your journey now is filled with light and hope ♡

Re: Struggling to cope as my due date draws near... :(

PostPosted: Feb 20, 2015 1:59 pm
by Nina19
Today I would have met my angel...

I took the day off work and my mother flew in from Johannesburg on Tuesday night, so she could be here with me today. Hubby does not deal with emotion and does not want to be reminded of sad events or asked how he is doing / feeling / coping... so I was very grateful to have my Mom here, especially as she knows the complete horror story of what I went through.

When I woke up, I wasn't quite sure what to feel... it was so surreal...

During the morning I wrote a heartfelt letter to my angel, expressing my love, my regret, telling him / her how sorry I was for failing them, how much I wanted to be their mommy and thanking my baby for the lessons I have learnt.

I spent a quiet morning with my Mom and in the afternoon I bought three helium balloons... one for me, one for my mom... and one for my daughter. I decided to include my daughter in the farewell, even though she is not aware of the fact that I was pregnant (she really struggled with how ill I was) and that today was a significant day for me in that way. We told her that we were each writing a letter to someone in heaven that we love and miss and that the balloons would carry our messages to them. So my mom wrote her own, private letter and attached it to her balloon and my daughter wrote / drew a special letter to God, Jesus, the angels and her late brother (my stepson, who passed away aged 7 in 2003). We then went for a lovely walk on our beautiful beach until we came to a quiet little spot. There happens to be a memorial sculpture for the South African poet, Ingrid Jonker, and some of her verses about children on the 4 sides of the base: it seemed like the perfect spot. We each said our own prayers and our goodbyes and then let the balloons go... high up into the sky... and through the clouds. To heaven - carrying our messages of love, longing... and farewell.

I don't believe that it will suddenly be easy... but I do think that today was a significant moment in my journey of healing. The countdown has ended and I am no longer left with the feeling of what is NOT growing inside me. I desperately miss the meeting that today would have brought... my arms and chest feel empty and I miss the little mewling moans and cries that I didn't get to hear. My heart is still longing, but my body is letting go in a sense...

Thank you all for your support and encouragement. It has meant more to me than you can ever know.


From the Ingrid Jonker memorial sculpture:

The child just wanted to play in the sun
The child grown into a giant journeys through the world
The child peers through the windows of houses and into the hearts of mothers
The child is not dead

Re: Struggling to cope as my due date draws near... :(

PostPosted: Mar 14, 2015 11:57 am
by Barbnj
It's been a long time since Ive come to this site. Mainly because my child bearing days are well behind me. Childless not by choice I tell people often as I went through the same scenario word by word as you described terminating my pregnancy at 10 weeks 6 days because I was gravely ill. I lost almost 40 pounds in 6 weeks with no medical help but towards the end when my body just could not handle one more day. I have to keep reminding myself that if I were in my correct mind and healthy body I would have a 7 year old precious child. You see we did IVF so this was a much wanted baby as was yours and all of us here that grieve. I too have ptsd . I too have seen coworkers go through their pregnancies with not once ounce of sickness with that proverbial *glow. I spent my days in bed or on the bathroom floor with the world spinning out of control right outside my window. I had only found this group after my loss so it's bitter sweet.
I come back to support others bc I walked those miles in your shoes. I have learned that men grieve differently.. my husband is identical to yours.
We've had bitter battles even divorce talk because I felt I was hurting and suffering much more then he was. Come to find out men hide most of their weaknesses to actually not upset us.

So to those of us that suffered this immense pain still...pls know you're not alone. I suffer in silence.
Oh yes I sought out therapy who basically said you need to get over this and move fwd.
I have moved fwd but so has the pain.


Barbara from NJ US

Re: Struggling to cope as my due date draws near... :(

PostPosted: Mar 19, 2015 8:03 pm
by Nina19
Thank you Barbnj... xxx

It's really hard to have to keep it all inside, not being able to share these feelings with the person who is closest to you in this journey. But men do deal with emotion differently and sometimes they do so with the best of intentions... but with worse results :-/ That doesn't mean they aren't hurting, as I've recently been told in no uncertain terms...

It's just so hard when you've been through this ordeal, this twilight zone where reality was suspended as you lost your mind, only to be left with the emptiness and still feeling so alone. Alone in the eye of the storm, unable to find your way out. And alone when it spits you out in the dessert.

Thanks for sharing... it means a lot.

sending you lots of love and hugs