So there are a fe hard things...

Discuss the triumph or heartache of not having more children, and the struggle to make that decision.

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So there are a fe hard things...

Postby BrandiJK » Oct 23, 2006 8:19 pm

I am done. I have no doubt, I am DONE! But I keep dreaming I am PG,at the end, of course. Big and ready to give birth. Sometimes, in my dream, I happen to find a baby somewhere. Last night, I happened upon a baby who's name was stitched onto her hair, like a quilt. Raqquel.
I work with (am replacing temp) a woman who is due next month. Every one rubs on her belly, I constantly have to remind myself that she is pg. I can not (can NOT) bring myself to topuch her belly. Sometimes it is because she is up, and moving, and eating, and drinking...but really...I think it is because a little baby girl will be coming out of that belly and I just dont want to face it. They have picked a name, and that is how she refers to her bump...makes it harder. Some day that baby will breath, cry, smile. And She will push that baby out and hold her on her chest. atch that first breath, feel that first suck...And I'll never know that again.
Same thing with Dh's niece. She will have her boy in Feb. Whole other wound to pierce. A boy, something I will *never* know.

Any one else get this, even though they are SURE they are done?
The only thing worth stealing is a kiss from a sleeping child.
BrandiJK
Master of HG
 
Posts: 4547
Joined: Aug 05, 2005 12:38 pm
Location: California, East Bay Area

Postby tatteredtoo » Oct 23, 2006 10:07 pm

Oh, hun, I know exactly how you feel, except I have pangs for a little girl because we only have boys! I make things like blankets and trick or treat bags and what not and I buy both girl and boy fabrics and my mom just bought me tons of fabrics, too, but most of them are girly looking. I end up giving away the things that I make for little girls and it seems so unfair that I can't keep it for my own little princess. I want one!

And yet I don't... I know, intellectually, what another bout of HG would mean to my health, my sanity, and my spirit. I know what it would mean to my family as it is, and how destructive it would be to our way of life, struggling as it is.

We already made the choice to be done and there's no turning back now. But I still can't help but wonder sometimes, if maybe there will be developements in the future where they can asure me a fluffy pregnancy, and I'll have all the support I never got with my other pregnancies, and all the medical care I (and every other hg momma) deserve, and there will be a sucessful reversal for vasectomy, and then there will be one perfect little baby girl just for me....

But, realisticly, it's not going to happen for me, and I'm ok with that. I can find other ways to have a baby who needs to be wanted and loved, right? For now, I'm content with reminiscing over my two little boys and trying to ignore that little green monster telling me I want what someone else has.
tatteredtoo
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Joined: Oct 11, 2006 1:16 pm
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Postby krdoty » Nov 02, 2006 1:29 pm

Yup. Everyone tells me to not to make any permanent decisions until after Baby is born. But I can't do that. I know that once Baby is here I'll start to forget what HG is really like. I start having those baby dreams again and I will do it again. But I can't do it again. I just don't have it in me.

I'm very sad that Baby appears to be a boy. I'll never have the little girl that I've dreamed about for so long. I'm sad that I'll only have two kids when I've always wanted three or four. Lately I've been having dreams that I'm actually pregnant with twins and that somehow they just missed the extra heartbeat with doppler and the whole extra baby on the ultrasound.
Kendra, M.W.F.E.
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krdoty
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Postby BrandiJK » Nov 02, 2006 2:00 pm

(((((((((((((((((((Kendra)))))))))))))))) I understand. I went through it 3 times. Granted, after the first, I swore never again. 6 years later we had an oops. She was so easy (HG wise), I thought...let's do it again.
Honestly, I feel like I died somewhere in that last pg. I don't know who I am or how to face the world anymore. The PPD seems to be under control, I am not depressed about it anymore. But I have no idea how to go on from here outside of one day at a time.

Only you can decide to do it again or not. It is harder w/ 2 unless you have help. But .. I have to say ... it does such amazing wonders to wait awaile before making it final. You need time to come to terms with your decision if you can afford it.

I admit, I have a hard time in the 'tri' forums. I don't know your story. I know some women, no matter what they want, can NOT do it again. But, unless you are once of those women, I recommend something like an IUD while you take the time before you move forward.

A lot of us forget what HG is like (I consider us the blessed ones, too many women have no choice but to remember) and that is why we have more kids.

Someone said to me, when I was pg last and debating, that when she was done it was like a gong going off. She just *knew* she was done. I waited for that gong. Dh was gonna do it anyway...but I needed that gong. I felt blessed to have gotten it, even though I still have baby twinges now and then.

I am sorry you have to go through HG and all the difficult choices that go hand in hand with the misery.
The only thing worth stealing is a kiss from a sleeping child.
BrandiJK
Master of HG
 
Posts: 4547
Joined: Aug 05, 2005 12:38 pm
Location: California, East Bay Area


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