Haven't posted here before...

[Mikey&Bree'sMama(src)]

But DH insists that this will be our last child. He is afraid that I can't physically make it through another HG pregnancy (and honestly, I'm inclined to agree with him.)

He has even gone so far as to say that if I get pregnant again, he will not help with the pregnancy, because he doesn't want any more kids. He says he doesn't want to be mean, he just wants me to understand that he absolutely doesn't want any more. And honestly, I would feel really bad about basically making him a single parent of two kids so that I could deal with another pregnancy...plus taking care of me (driving me to hospital/Dr. appts, bringing me popsicles and ice chips and my weird random food requests...)

He says that he is happy to have two children and just wants his wife back to enjoy our family together. And I respect that. He makes totally valid points.

But I always imagined myself with three kids...and especially if this baby turns out to be another boy, I'm afraid I'm going to want to try again, because I've always wanted a daughter.

I just don't know how to deal with these feelings. DH refuses to talk about it. He says that as far as he is concerned, two kids is all we're having, end of discussion.

[HelenA]

I can kinda see both sides of the story, I guess he feels so useless when you are pg that he can't help or make it better. It can't be easy for him to see you like that for 9 months at a time, I actually caught my DF in tears more than once when pg with Kimi because he just didn't know what to do. I also see your side, that you always imagined 3 kids, and thats something we all struggle with, the fact that HG can wreck all those plans. I know you really want a daughter, but even if this one is a boy again, and you try again, there is no guarantee that you'll get one next time either and you couldn't keep going til you get a girl. And if hubby is true to his word that he won't help with the kids if you got pg again, then you have a lot of thinking to do. I found it hard with just one kid, but two? I don't think I could have managed with two.

We are sticking at 2 kids, but if DF had his way we would only have had Kimi, of course now that JJ is here and the pg is over, he loves JJ to bits, but he just didn't want me to be pg again.

It's really tough, but sending big

[BrandiJK]

This is a tough one, and I am so sorry your Dh wont talk with you about it. Just talking it through (no matter how long it takes) would help so much.

Is there any way he'd wait to get the V until you are ready? There are other ways to have good BC. At least time for you to come to terms?

((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))) I wish I could offer more support.

If you have a girl, will you feel done do you think?

[Mikey&Bree'sMama(src)]

I think that if this baby is a girl, I can feel "done" to some extent...at least, I can feel happy that I have one of each, and won't miss out on the daughter I've always wanted. Although there really is that part of me that "expected" to have 3 kids...this is going to sound silly, but the reason is because when I was growing up (for most of it anyway, I do have an older half-brother, but--long story--he only lived with us for 5 years), there were 3 kids in my family--me and my two younger brothers. There was always someone to play with, and the house just seemed...alive and full, I guess. Three kids just seems like the perfect number to me--not too many, not too few...

Maybe my feelings will change once this baby is born...I'm hoping that once I give birth and hold this baby in my arms, that "gong" goes off for me that just lets me feel "done". But if it doesn't, I don't want to be angry at DH for how he feels about having another--like I said, he makes valid points about my ability to make it through another HG pg. I just wish there was some way that I could convince him to talk to me about it...

[Xphile_mo]

I also can see both sides. I can't think of much worse in this world than a woman who wants children but can't have them (for WHATEVER reason), or a child that a mother (or father) couldn't care less about!!

This disease takes the decision away from you in a lot of ways - which is just not fair! In some ways, it's worse than being physically unable to have children because we can ... but EVERYONE around us suffers through it and we have to decide whether not only us, but our kids, partners, family and friends can go through it again!! It's a horrible condition

I really hope you get your wish with a little girl and can be at peace with this pregnancy, but if it's a boy I know you'll love him just as much as your other two and (hopefully), you can both come to terms with your 3 blessed babies. I can totally understand your hubby not wanting you to go through this again, or to watch you going through it again

We are always going to be here for you, whatever happens xxx

[krdoty]

I have no magic words for you. I'm struggling with that myself. I've decided that I can't put myself through this again, even though I really do want more. I find myself hoping that somehow, against all odds, my OB and the u/s have just missed that there are two babies. That way at the end of this pregnancy I'll have 3 and at least that would make it easier to live with my decision not not to have more. Silly, huh?

Anyway... I just wanted to say that you're not alone. I hope you can come to a place where either you can accept your husband's decision not to have more, or that your husband is willing to discuss the possibility with you.

[Mikey&Bree'sMama(src)]

Kendra--
I've had that hope too! Twins run in my husband's family, and I kept hoping that somehow that would increase our chances of having twins...although I've researched it, and in cases of heredity, it's the mother's side that matters

But I've had dreams where I go for my 20 week U/S series and the tech tells me that there's two babies...that somehow, the two U/S I've already had missed the second one. I know it's silly...but a gal can dream.

I have this *feeling* that this baby is a girl...we were using the Shettles method to try to sway our odds, and I know we made a "perfect" attempt...but I'm almost afraid to think about it too much, because I don't want to get my hopes up and then feel disappointed. With Michael, though, even though I was wishing for a girl, I had a dream pretty early on that I had given birth to a boy...so when the U/S tech told us that yes, it would be Michael, I was already kind of prepared for it. A tiny part of me kept hoping that the tech was wrong, and I'd be surprised on the delivery table...but as soon as I saw him, those thoughts just disappeared...he was perfect, and I couldn't have loved him any more.

So I know that even if this baby is a boy as well, it will be something I can deal with. And since that's true, I hope that in time, I can deal with not having that third baby I always dreamed of.

DH and I finally talked about it a little the other night. I asked him if he had the Vas, and something happened to me, was he sure he wouldn't want to have more kids if he married again? He assured me that two is all he wants, and that even if something happened to me, he wouldn't want more. And he said that he knows how I feel about the number of kids, but that he's afraid of losing me if I got pregnant again. He told me that watching me go through this is the hardest thing he's ever done--worse than when we broke up for 2 months while we were engaged-- because there's nothing he can do to make it better.

It helps to know that I'm not alone in this feeling that HG has taken something away from me. Thank you to all you wonderful HG sisters!

[allym]

Hi Renee,

I haven't been on the site very much, but your post caught my eye. We also used the Shettles method to sway the odds of having a girl and it worked thank God. I know it sounds awful, and I think only another hg'er could understand, but I kept saying all through my pregnancy " this better be a girl, I am not going through all this crap to have another boy" I love my boys dearly, but I wanted a daughter with all my heart. I wouldn't even have her if I wasn't so ignorant. Sometimes ignorance is bliss. When I was pregnant with my first son I had pretty severe hg. At the time I knew nothing about hg, not even the name, i just thought I was a wimp. With my next son I barely even had morning sickness. I felt fine through the whole thing. So then I just assumed the sickness in my first pregnancy was a fluke. So when we decided to go for one more it never even crossed my mind that I would be sick. If I had been on this site before and knew then what I know now I never would have had another. I was extremely sick from week 5, plus I had my two boys to look after, I wouldn't have wished it on my worst enemy. But believe me after all is said and done, it was the best decision I ever made. Isabella is such a blessing to our family. We thank God everyday for her. Sorry, I didn't mean for this to turn into my life story, I just thought you might be interested. I will be praying for a girl for you. There was a time where we thought we were done and it made me sad to think I would never have a daughter, so I know how you feel. When will you find out? Take care,
Alexandra

[mandy]

Renee,

- First, we also used the shettles method successfully. We had our daughter and then went in for a boy following all the advice, and whether luck or influence, out came ds.
I hope it works for you!

- Secondly, I have found peace with my decision to limit my family size. I really think I needed to get out of the 'baby zone' part of our lives to achieve this. The problem was (for me) that whilst my youngest was a pre-schooler I was constantly thinking 'should we/shouldn't we?' and it was so hard emotionally on me. My dh had a the same stance on things as yours. Absolutely certain - NO MORE BABIES. This did change over time though, and last year he said; 'let's go for it, I don't want you to live with regrets'. That put the ball in my court and ultimately I made the decision that I couldn't do hg again, even with complete support from dh. It broke my heart.
Now though, ds is at school alongside his sister. I have a life as 'Mandy' as well as 'Mummy' again, and I really don't want to go back to baby days. We've come so far and life is so much easier now. So, in a very rambly way I am trying to give you hope. Time helps. Dh's can change their minds (believe me, mine is one stubborn guy ), and you can feel ok about life not always panning out exactly as expected. There are huge advantages at stopping at two, and now (four years down the line), I see them clearly.

End of ramble. Sorry!

Mandy xxx

[pamedic]

I'm sorry that your hubby isn't even willing to talk about anymore. I really hope that this one is a little girl for you. I too always dreamed of having a little girl, but my hubby gave me 2 boys. And to be honest I balled my eyes out each time when they told me I was having boys. But I love my little boys more than life itself. I am sad to know I will never have a little girl, but I am happy that my family is complete. I hope that you can come to terms if you are truely done.

[teddi]

This isn't really a funny topic but I get a little chuckle out of it. Cuz...

When I was pg w/#2 I went to my 20 wk u/s and..... there were two babies in there! And we were hoping for a girl and we got two. So, now we have a boy and two girls.

And yet, on the not funny side, my heart still aches, because I always wanted a large family- 4-5 kids. And in both pregnancies I ended up with surgeries and more complications that "just" the HG. And those were pretty dang scary. Realistically ... to do it again... well, I'm willing but pretty scared. And the logistics of job/childcare/money is so not funny.

There's also one thing that people don't think about regarding twins (and I didn't until I was there)... it IS of course being a mother to three children. But ... everything happens at the same time. In some respects, with HG at least, that's a bonus. But it's not like I went thru life with two kids. And all the milestones are the essentially at the same time. There was no anticipation of #3. When you have your first and you are going to have a 2nd you think, I get to do the baby thing over again. With twins you only go thru those STAGES once.... (if you get what I mean). That's a little sad to me. I guess what I mean is ... I thought I would do that like 4 or 5 times. I have three kids, but I've done it only twice. I guess it means.. yeah I have three, but it ends here. There's no one further down the line.

Ok, I know some think I'm probably nuts, but it makes me a little sad. Don't get me wrong, I love twin mommydom.

I'm glad your husband at least talked to you. It's hard to give up a dream (or expectation). For me, it would bother me that it was a decision just made so bluntly. Though, I guess it does go the other way too (if you adamantly didn't want more).

[janiecw]

I think you should at least tell hubby u want to discuss the feelings involved in this decision. My dh and I have come to the same conclusion. I am really hoping that this one is a boy we had planned on 3 also especially if this one is another girl but I had to admit to myself I cant do this again. Like mentioned in someone elses post its been hard enough dealing with 1 child while going through this I cant imagine 2 and I had long term problems w/dd from hg and worried I will with this one also perhaps if you can discuss you can eventually have peace in the decision or perhaps dh will channge his mind. mine insisted we were done w/ dd it took me 1yr and half to convince him otherwise but its easy to say no more in the middle of hg but when u have that baby in ur arms it has away of changing your mind
hope it all works out

[megs4413]

Renee, honestly i don't think this is a decision either of you should try to make while you are still so sick....at least ask him to wait it out until you have recovered and you can both think clearly. putting some distance between you and the HG could help. I know how you feel about wanting a girl...i have one and knowing that this was my last pg really was hard because i felt like if i got a boy DH would be happy, but i would really want another girl. And i think whenever you decide you're done you always miss that one you didn't have...no matter where you stop! i hope for your sake this is a girl...

just because you can't be pregnant again, doesn't mean you have to stop having children. there are other options out there to consider like surrogacy and adoption if your heart really feels like 3 was the magic number.

I also think you should wait until life with 2 to decide on a 3....i always said i wanted 5 children, but after having one i realize that it's probably not what i really want. you just dont know until you're there...

permanent decisions shouldnt be made rashly and in the throws of HG, so i would at least ask him to wait on the V until you've had some time to adjust to life with #2 and without HG.

I also think you should consider the sh&tty treatment you have gotten in this pg....my pregnancies have been totally different. In the first (unplanned), i had severe HG that almost killed me and my daughter. This time we worked really hard to plan and develop a protocol. I started treatment IMMEDIATELY and treated early and aggressively the whole time. This time, I have more mild to moderate HG (i was only moderate for a very short time in my first tri but have been mild other than that) and if my first pg had been like this...it would have been a lot easier!!!! it still sucks to be sick, but i have not been in danger of losing my life this time around.

BUT, even with this being easier this time around...we're still done. I can't spend any more of my life this way. I don't want to keep putting our lives on the backburner for 9 mos at a time....i want to be happy with what we have and not mournful of what we don't...

good luck with all of this....i know how difficult it is...