No more for me??? I thought I knew

[teddi]

I need some serious advice or words of wisdom. I THOUGHT we knew we were done - that I was only enduring this pregnancy thing one more time. My husband agreed that he would get snipped. But now he says he wants more children....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He told me that he is only 26 and he doesn't like the thought of knowing he would never again be a new daddy. Ok, that's reasonable enough I guess. In fact if I had normal pregnancies I would feel the same. I think I do feel the same.

I truly don't like the idea of a permanent solution, even though I thought I did. However, I won't use hormonal methods of contraception or an IUD, both for moral and medical reasons. We did use NFP 100% successfully for 4 years. Didn't get pregnant when we didn't want to, and did very quickly when we did. But I didn't plan on doing NFP for 20 more years ...

Here's the crazy part: I think I would even be willing to endure another HG pregnancy again, even if it started @ 6 wks again and lasted until delivery. But I am just terrified at the thought. These are my biggest fears, and I think they are logical. If not, please tell me.

1) Losing the baby(ies). I see so many women on these boards who have lost a baby and I have been absolutely blessed so far with three healhty beans. What if I did try again only to lose my child? I really don't think I could endure that. I cry at even the thought of that happening.

2) More twins, or triplets. My cousin who was only 18 concieved triplets. My girls make set # 6 of multiples in my family. Lightening might strike me twice, and OMG what if I had twins again or triplets????

3) More unforseen complications. OMG, I have been through two severe HG pregnancies (you know with "just" IV's, ERs, a PICC line, meds up the wazoo, inadequate wt gain), a CMV infection, Cholecystitis, a Lap Choley while pregnant, a low AFI scare, an air embolism, toxemia/HELLP, anemia, and the worst- pancreatitis. I am seriously scared I might have something like heart failure next time.

I like it when I keep my internal organs IN my body and when they work properly. The last OB I saw told me it would be very dangerous for me to have more. I'm still losing weight and anemic and weak and in pain at times, AND grrr having a hard time keeping hydrated (I have ZERO appetite/thirst) 5 wks post partum. I cannot believe it.

So *what's MY issue*??? How could I even think that I want the option of doing this again (albeit, no time soon, and only under the most ideal of conditions which is not likely to occur)??? Of course I can't force my DH to get fixed, though he has said that if it "needs to happen" (I think by that he means I absolutely refuse to have more children) he would. But I don't want him to do it against his will even 1% or he might regret it and resent me. Shouldn't I count my blessings that I already HAVE 3 kids out of two pregnancies?

How can I not know the answer to this question! I guess I don't need the answer now, but for some reason I want it. I want some peace to all this, some sense of CLOSURE- whether that meant I was done with childbearing or whether I knew I would go through it again one more time. I hope God will give us some guidance on this one. Perhaps we've been leaving him out of the question when we shouldnt have.

[meg]

Teddi,

I could have written your post. In a fact, I did write a few just like it fairly recently. (In the 2nd tri folder see: Dr. threw me for a loop!) I am on the cusp of the third trimester of my third pregnancy and have struggled for most of this pg over the issue of whether or not to have the TL during my c-section.

I don't think there is an easy answer. I can tell you that I too was desparate for your sense of closure. I just wanted to reconcile myself to the terror of another HG pregnancy or to the idea of our family being complete. I hated the idea that HG was making my choice for me. I was actually hoping that my dr would say my body couldn't handle another c-section so the decision was made for me, but wouldn't you know, I have a uterus of steel. LOL Anyway, something just clicked for me finally in the past few weeks and suddenly I KNEW that I was done. I have felt nothing but peaceful about the decision since then. I am actually looking forward to the TL because it means never suffering through HG again, not for me, my kids, my dh, my parents, etc!!!! I don't feel like I'm going to cry when I think of this baby being my last. I don't feel angry about being "forced" into a decision by my dh who will not do this again, although he has maintained until this pg that he wants 5 kids like the family he grew up in. I feel peaceful. And I think that's the best advice I can give you as vague as it sounds. When the right decision is made for the right reasons, you'll know it. It will feel right.

Good luck to you and your dh and your ds and those new dds. I hope that your health improves soon. I'm keeping only good thoughts for all of you.

[PamelaRose]

Wow, Teddi - You've done your homework on this one! Compelling reasons to be done and content with your 3 blessings, yet convincing your heart of that is quite another story. I was at a similar place 4 years ago after our second child was born. We'd lost our first baby, gone through HG in all its glory with all 3 pregnancies, and I was really, really trying to convince myself that this was IT, despite always saying I wanted 3 children. I could not, however, bring myself to consider anything permanent. My wise husband (believe me, I don't say that often ) left a window open by saying, "You'll want to have more" and talking about "the next baby." I was exasperated, but he was so right. Our last baby came along 2 years later, and I cannot begin to describe the feeling of utter peace that came over me the minute I learned she was on the way--I WAS DONE! Suddenly, permanent measures were not scary or unthinkable at all. I know not all women reach that peaceful conclusion, and sometimes the practical concerns must outweigh that longing to find out what could be. Give yourself some time. Maybe, as your girls get older, you'll reach a point where the answer is more clear. When we were in question-mode, we agreed to table the discussion and see where we were in another year...and then another year...and a few months into that, God stepped in and said, "Enough, already--have a baby!" LOL Can't argue with that logic!

I hope you can find answers for yourself and your family. I can't believe your little ones are already a month old! Are you getting any rest at all? I can't imagine 2 newborns at once. Hugs to you!

[HGx3]

Hey Teddi,

I really do understand where you are coming from, especially considering the fact that we JUST made it permenant! It is a personal journey for each one of us........and a hard one at that. The truth of the matter is, I think you truly know in your heart if you are done or not. The problem is, we dont know how to interprete the emotions on the subject. After pg #2, " I didnt know if I wanted to be done", not true. "I didnt know if I wanted to face hg again". In my heart, deep down inside, I knew my family wasnt complete. I went to the Hugs board and posted a question about "thinking of doing it again, should I try for twins" I pondered and pondered, when finally, God made the decision for me. What a relief that I didnt have to go back and forth with all of the what if's.

The pg was by far, my worst. Started early and did not let up until 2 days pp. I KNEW I WAS DONE. NO QUESTIONS! I knew I could NEVER face hg again, nor could I put my family through it. Would I like another baby? If I didnt have hg, I would consider it, maybe........

I had all the health related issues with this last pg just like you. I know my body would not handle another pg well, at all. I think you probably do want more children deep in your heart, but you are right to consider what another pg would do to you in terms of your own health. If you think that it could potentially take you away from the children you have worked so hard to have, then you really have to weigh out wheter or not it is truly worth the *RISK*. It is so hard to make it final, but if you know that it is the best thing, you wont have any regrets about it. I know that we dont!

[teddi]

well guys... I have an answer: a definite MAYBE! HA.

That's it, I have definitely come to the conclusion that I want to keep our options open. Truth be told, I do want another child. Not right away, not anytime soon, heck no, still trying to recover- but I don't want to close the door yet.

However, I am going to have to get some answers between now and trying again. This thing with my heart needs to settle down- (done some tests, still have no diagnosis). I don't want another C section (but now I've had one & HELLP so I'm at an even higher risk for another) and I want to try and find out if I had any damage done to my uterus from the pancreatic inflammation. So the answer if I get bad news, could still end up being no. But I only want it to be no if there is a pretty substantial risk of me not making it thru another one.