A different difficult decision

[cthmschler]

So, Jenni, Anna, Rebecca, and any other Christians out there;

This is something of a carryover/response from a message in the third trimester folder, but I felt this was the most appropriate place to post it:

I've never had a huge problem with my faith in re: hyperemesis. Maybe it's because one of my sisters also suffers with it (although not as badly), so I knew before I ever got pregnant that it was a possibility (I think that perhaps it hits you much worse when you've never even heard of it before you HAVE it). I have however, suffered from a dearth of faith at the beginning of this pregnancy because I was so angry at God for allowing us to lose the baby we miscarried right before we got pregnant with this one, and perversely enough, angry (although not particularly at God, just in general) about being pregnant again. Yes, I know that 1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage, while only what, something like 1 in 1,000 women suffer from HG, so my feelings may not exactly make sense, but there you have it.
Anyway, my "decision" has to do with making a choice for permanent birth control, mostly because of HG. I can't say for sure that we'd have more naturally even if I didn't suffer with HG, but I can say that we probably wouldn't be going with the permanent option. This is also largley influenced by the fact that, after 10 years of marriage with no "surprises", our last two pregnancies were unplanned. So we are planning on a vasectomy after this delivery, unless something goes wrong and I have to have a C, in which case my care providers have instructions to do a tubal ligation. But, as I am only 31, I feel that by choosing a permanent option I am closing a door on God and saying, no matter what you have planned for me, I'm not doing this again. That said, my husband and I do strongly feel that God has led us to home school our boys, and how I could do that through another pregnancy (this time I couldn't keep them home for almost 4 months, and the HG has gotten worse every pregnancy) is completely beyond me. I've also wanted to adopt or do foster care since I was a child (my dream as a little girl was to own an orphanage, LOL. Even then I wanted to take care of babies whose parents couldn't take care of them or were gone). Before this pregnancy we had decided to wait 3 years or so and then look more seriously into adoption before choosing between it and ttc again. But even though knowing that we were done having children naturally should make it easier for me to look forward to doing foster care in a few years (if God provides the space, as we're now getting cramped in the home we just moved onto a year ago thanks to our coming "addition"), I cannot attain any inner peace about the decision to go with a permanent option. Your thoughts?

[HdGAMom2B]

HI. I"m not a pro at this. BUT, I would suggest that maybe you should not make this decision until a few months after you have your child. When you are in HG, makeing those kind of lifelong kinda 'never go back' choices, can possibly backfire later on. I wanted badly to have my tubes tied, but the doc saw through that, and refused. Thanks to God! I now plan to TTC< after 5 years, and a new life, new body, new perspective. New Faith also. Feel free to e-mail me, and to see the posts in the adoption section. We're a waiting couple, in a Christian Minstry online.

I'd suggest a Copper IUD. That's what I have. No hormones, no messing with it,a nd it's not permanent. It's pretty foolproof. That way, later on, you can decide whether you truly need permanent, or whether the IUD is sufficient. It can last up to ten years.

My advice, pray about it. Dont make the decision now, not under 'deress'.

Bless you, Keep the faith, and Be nice to yourself.

Christy

[Natalie]

Hi Teresa.
I have to say I agree with Christy. After reading your post, my initial thoughts were that you are still in the midst of a difficult pregnancy. Could you not wait a while to make a final decision and be super, super careful in the meantime???!!! All I can think of are questions for you to ponder. I hope that in some way it might help to focus / clarify your thoughts a little bit...
Presumably you have prayed both on your own and as a couple about this issue? Would you be comfortable talking and praying this through with your Pastor or respected church Elder? Have you asked God for confirmation that vasectomy / tubal ligation is the way to go? Does your husband feel peaceful about it? How do you feel when you think about fostering / adoption? After all, that may be God's plan for you. If all else fails, you could go for the vasectomy even if you have a C-Section. I have heard that they are easier to reverse than female sterilisation.
These are my first thoughts on the matter, but I will go away and think about it and if I can think of anything else, I shall post them up!
I hope I have not confused the issue further -
Natalie

Christians reading this: I am about to post a thread under Alternative Healing which I would appreciate your input on. Thanks.

[RebeccaM]

Wow. Those are some tough decisions your facing.

I agree with Christy and Natalie. Prayer is so important in big decisions like these. God does know whats best for you and your family, and I firmly believe that if you ask Him faith, sincerity and an open heart, He will answer you and you will know.

I also agree that you should wait to make a decision. Your mind will likely be a lot clearer when it's not trying to survive HG.

All of this is of course just my opinion, but I hope it helps you somewhat in your decision. I will keep you in my prayers.
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[cthmschler]

Does your husband feel peaceful about it?
My husband (Ryan) has NO doubts whatsoever, which makes it somewhat difficult to discuss my feelings with him. It took him the two and a half years after our last child to even consider the possibility of ttc again, (he said he NEVER wanted to watch me go through this again, and this time its even a lot worse than the last time) and even then, he didn't want to consider ttc seriously for another 3 years or so, and then wanted to look into adoption options first. We also come from different backgrounds on this, as he comes from a small family (his father has one sibling, his mother is an only, he has 2 cousins and one brother and one sister), and I come from a quite large one (my mother is the youngest of 10 siblings (we can't even count the cousins), my father is one of eight, and I have three sisters and a brother.) However, Ryan is still, thankfully, open to the idea of adoption in the future.
Would you be comfortable talking and praying this through with your Pastor or respected church Elder?
Not really. Although I like my pastor, and am good friends with his wife, I am not extremely comfortable with him in the position of "elder". Not to say I doubt his biblical knowledge, or his authority to lead the church, just that I am not, personally, comfortable talking with him about things like this. Along with our move a year ago (to a house much further away from our church), this is one reason we've been meaning to look for a new church home, but, before I was pregnant, we kept getting derailed ("We really need you here to teach the kids the music for VBS"; "We need you to do X for the mission conference" or "Y for the other function"; or just that no one else would step forward to take charge of the monthly luncheons) And after I got pregnant, we deemed that the kids had too much upheaval in their lives with my illness to try to look for a new church during this (besides the fact that I haven't been able to go to church since mid-December). It also doesn't help our leaving that this is the church I grew up in, that half my family attends, and most of the people that aren't blood relatives are as close or closer to me than "real" family.
I'd suggest a Copper IUD. That's what I have. No hormones, no messing with it,a nd it's not permanent. It's pretty foolproof. That way, later on, you can decide whether you truly need permanent, or whether the IUD is sufficient. It can last up to ten years.
Can you direct me to any resources that tell exactly how IUDs work? I am not comfortable using any type of birth control that prevents implantation, as most do (versus preventing conception). And the last time I looked into the possibility of an IUD the materials said that no one was exactly sure how they worked, just that they did.

[emily]

A friend of mine has PCOS and used fertility drugs to become pregnant with 5 children. She is LDS and really wanted to practice "quiverful" (having as many children as God gives you) but she wondered how she could be quiverful if she needed fertility drugs. Well, she got that surprise #6 baby despite thinking and being told she would never conceive naturally. Vasectomies are not 100%, not even tubal ligations are 100%, so perhaps if God truely wants you to have more children, then God will make it happen. That all said, I think you feel more confident in your decision if you waited until after your HG pregnancy is over. I swore I would never have another child after my first. In fact, I had an amazing first couple of years with my daughter. I savored every second of it, good and bad, because I truly believed she would be only baby that I would ever have. But here I am, three years later, starting to think about thinking about TTC, which for me, is a HUGE step. If you wait to decide you will either be happy that you can still get pregnant or you will know 100% for sure that you ready for permanent BC. Good luck!

[IslandDreamer]

Hi,

My understanding of IUDs is that they prevent implantation. But that could have changed with newer technology. It's worth asking a physician (or two or ten) who is current on research if you have concerns.

[Kristie]

Hi..I suffered 3 cases of hg, although wasn't aware of it for the 1st two pregnancies. I was sick for 7 months of the 1st pregnancy (hospitalized with dehydration, etc.). The last 2 months were much better...meaning I did not throw up all day, every day. My second pregnancy, 12 months later, was horrible...I blamed it on the fact that I had a lot of stress due to my father's cancer. Hospitalized and sick until the day I delivered. It wasn't until the third pregnancy, 12 months later, that I realized there was no way I was going to be able to handle this again without medication..I had tried all the little tricks and needed some help. I had Matria nurses, home IV's and the Reglan pump. It didn't help me stop throwing up...just controlled the number of times I did. I didn't want to go for Zofran. I made it through the pregnancy...still sick on the day I went to the hospital for my scheduled c-section.

I always wanted for and I opted for a tubal..There is nothing more that I regret. Please think it through. I am now going down the path of other options and the HG part of it is killing me...however, not more than it hurts that I made such a life altering decision when I was going through such a tough time.

I am very happy to have found this board

[JulieinMN]

I feel for you!

We've just had our 5th HG baby. I can understand my dh's concern over my health and not wanting to experience the stress of the HG, although we're seasoned veterans by now!! So I think he's a bit more ready to do something to prevent than I am (Am I crazy or what?????)

We've decided to wait until the 6 month postpartum mark and talk about birth control options again. It's just still too fresh and real in our minds.
We've had many friends who have made the vasectomy decision only to regret it, reverse it, and not concieve again. Agony.

Are you open to looking into natural family planning? There are 2 sources out there that I know of, the CCL (Couple to Couple League) and Focus on the Family also has some materials on this. It is supposed to be nearly foolproof if you do it right. I don't have the links, but I'm sure you could find info on each of their websites or do a google.

[JulieinMN]

Ahhh...........skip my message, just realized this was written in 2004!!! I have not quite gotten to know the ins and outs of this forum yet!

[Kariinbliss]

Although this thread was started in 2004, apparently some of us are still reading the old stuff! LOL! I'm so glad I found this thread, because I am dealing with making some important decisions right now. I was in the midst of dealing with my 3rd HG pregnancy when all of a sudden (at 10w 4d) I stopped being sick. I thought I had a miracle on my hands, since I had prayed so hard the night before for God to take away this sickness, since I didn't feel that I could go on being as sick as I was. Not to mention how awful my kids felt, and how hard it was on them and my dh. Ends up God's decision was to take the baby. He was physically perfect, his heart just stopped and my hcg levels dropped... so I wasn't sick anymore within hours. Not exactly the miracle I had hoped for, but at least I wasn't sick anymore, and the first words out of my mouth were, "I AM NEVER DOING THIS AGAIN." Well, now that 2 weeks have gone by, I am back to wondering if I really meant that or if the horror of the HG was doing the talking for me. I have always wanted more than the two children I have, but I don't know if I can put my family through this again. I'm going to the doc tomorrow and was going to ask for a tubal, but my dh doesn't want me to do that. (maybe he knows more than I do... lol) I had to take Clomid to get pg with the little one I lost, so he feels that if we are meant to have another, we will... but if we're not we won't. That no medical intervention is necessary. It is just so hard for me right now to think we are done, but equally hard to face HG again. This is so confusing.

[JulieinMN]

BTDT to some extent, Kari (lost one after HG at 12 weeks.)

I'm so sorry to know of your little one. It is very difficult esp after going through HG, myself it took me some time to just process it all and grieve in my own way.

The thought of having HG again is hard to face!! However, I would caution you about making the decision right now with your loss and HG so fresh in your mind. In the meantime, there are great NFP resources available if you are apprehensive about getting pregnant again. Give your mind, your body some time to rest. I'm with your dh!

[Kariinbliss]

Thank you so much, Julie! It helps so much to hear from other people in the same boat. (Or who have previously been in the same boat.) Basically everybody I have talked to has said the same thing... don't make any decisions yet. So, guess we'll just wait and see. It should be interesting to see what all the doctor says tomorrow.