Done, but not happy about it

[mmichelle]

During my most recent hospital stay and the events that followed I came to the conclusion that I could never do HG again. I honestly think that if I had to go through this again it would kill me. I cried in the hospital as I realized that my dreams of having a large family with 4-6 kids was never going to happen. My dh is dead set against adoption for some reason so we will only have two kids. I have been blessed though. My little boy is perfect and so far everything has shown this one to be too. It isn't fair that a diease like this can rob me of my choice to have a large family. I will get my tubes tied as soon as possible after she is born. The hospital where I am delivering is a Catholic hospital and they will not perform a tubal there unless it is medically necessary. I will have to talk to my doctor to find out how they determine that criteria. DH and I have had many fights about me getting my tubes tied but when it comes down to it I feel that it is my decision and not his. I know that when Krystalynn gets to be 2 or 3 I will want another just like I did with Nathaniel. But I also know that I would not survive and that is not fair to my two children. I cannot just use other methods of birth control and pray that it doesn't happen because if I did get pregnant again I know I would have to terminate and I wouldn't be able to live with myself after doing that. I am only 31 and feel like it is wrong for me to have to do this now, but I know I have no choice. So two kids it will be. I will love my kids with all my heart and be happy with them, but I will always miss the large family that was taken from me.

[aaronsmommy]

I'm in the same place and not happy about it either. I know I would have to terminate if I got pg again, but I wish I could do it.

I still can't get comfortable with the idea of something permanent though. Instead, I have an IUD which is just as effective as a tubal, so I don't worry about it (the Mirena IUD is actually more effective than a tubal).

I'm usually fine with it, but today there was this adorable little girl toddling behind her daddy at the bank and it brought tears to my eyes to think of what I can't even try for.

[JennyK]

I'm right there with you.

My husband volunteered for a vasectomy, but I got a Mirena IUD instead. It's reliable and I can't forget to use it or decide to throw caution to the wind. Even though I know I won't have another baby, somehow the fact that theoretically I could get the IUD removed and get pregnant again comforts me. A permanent method would have devastated me.

I am trying to talk myself into being open to adopting in a few years, but it just does not feel right to me. I doubt we'll ever seriously consider it.

It's hard and not fair, and I'm sad so many of us are in the same boat.

[bibliojo]

I understand too. I'm so sorry that HG has robbed you of the family of which you dreamed.

[*my3sons*]

So so sorry, Meredith. I know I'm here as well, but haven't 100% accepted it. My cases were not as serious as yours and you do need to protect your life. You are important and loved by so many people.

The IUD sounds promising. I hope you look into it.


Amy

[krdoty]

Getting my tubal was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Crap. The tears are coming again... But I knew that matching HG amnesia with my lack of will power meant that I couldn't go with any birth control that would be less than permanent. I don't regret my decision. I regret that I was forced to make it.

We'll be here whenever you want or need to chat about this. And you won't be alone. As for your husband... You just send him my way. I'll set him straight for you!

[Princesshood]

Oh Mere~ I deeply understand! I wanted a large family as well. It is so hard. HG SUCKS!! I cry with you.
Sara

[megs4413]

it's just not fair to any of us is it...most of the time i feel totally happy and freed by the decision to not have more but it's only been 6 wks and i know as time goes on my resolve will fade (hence me having a second child at all!). i'm only 23 so we have a long way to go if we don't do something permanent which is why Dh is having a vasectomy. i had my 6wk pp checkup this week and when i walked out of the office knowing it was the last time...i teared up...walking down the hall and pushing the elevator button was really hard for me...i wanted to run back screaming...JUST ONE MORE TIME...but my kids deserve their mommy and i have to make sure i stick around for them so i just grabbed up my 2yo and let her push the elevator button for me.

[Cin]

This one rips me to shreds. On the one hand, I have three and am so grateful for them.

On the other is my desire and DH's desire for more, our desire to allow God to plan our family, and our personal ethical and moral beliefs.

I've only had HG once, and sometimes I catch myself thinking, "I could do this one more time. Look at Joanna and Erin and Mere and...."

And then I think of how so many HGers have terrible second pgs. I think of my friend Megan. And I know I just CAN'T.

And it breaks my heart. I want to be open to any life God sends me -- but I am so terrified it will be worse next time. So much worse that I might die or terminate.

So right now we use our natural family planning method religiously (it's very, very effective, but let's face it, it requires a ton of self-control.) Actually, Dh is still away, so abstinence is 100 per cent effective right now.

HG sucks.

[Hilary]

I could have written your post. I am so sorry that any of us have to go through this. This is our last, any more would kill me. Dh doesn't want to adopt, or get the snip I totally understand how you feel.

[nomore]

Mer-



Permanent is just that, so very permanent. If DH didnt want a vasectomy, I would of gotten an IUD. It was easier for DH, as he never wanted more than 2. I was the one who wanted 4 when we talked about how many kids we would have. And, if HG wasnt in the picture, he would of agreed to 3.

Most days Im pretty content with 2. But, what hurts the most is knowing I really dont have the option of another pregnancy... Im fairly certain I wouldnt make it through it..... but I will say it helps knowing I didnt do anything permanent to my own body. So I can pretend if I try hard enough that I at least have the option myself. Corse, reality is, is it isnt going to happen.

[rlr218s]

I'm so sorry. I feel for all of you. I am pregnant with #2 right now and it will be our last biological child. I will get a tubal after I deliver because I know that somewhere down the line I would think that maybe it wasn't as bad as I thought. Maybe I was being dramatic. Maybe it wouldn't happen again. Maybe, maybe...
I wanted a large family, too. I wanted to see what God wanted for me. But Hyperemesis is a medical disease, not a choice. I think we owe too much to the children we already have than to risk our health for children we don't. To comfort myself I go and look at adoption pages and look into those beautiful faces. I tell myself that someday I will hold one of those children and it might be the biggest, maybe the only, blessing that comes from hg.

[georgiegirl]

Even more validating than finding all these other women who have experienced HG is the fact that many of you also share the same heartache I feel about wanting a big family. I have two children (and had an HG pregnancy that ended in m/c at almost ten weeks) and I swore my second would be my last. He is almost 3 1/2 now and I can't believe I am actually contemplating another pregnancy. I think I am going to be always wishing but never following through b/c I know I woiuld not be the mother my children would need if I was pregnant again with HG. It's frustrating and I am so resentful now when I see all these women pregnant with #3 and not suffering. I wonder how these women with HG finally decided they could handle doing it three and four times, and what kind of impact the HG had on the children they were mothering during their subsequent pregnancies. I wish we had crystal balls to show how mild/severe our HG would be each time! Mine was typically gone by the middle of my second trimester. So... if my kids only had to suffer for 16-20 weeks, would the benefits of having another sibling outweigh four months without their mother??? UGH.

[BethersinMN]

[JME]

I never thought I would have the HG, I knew nothing about it, of course. My mom was very ill with me, on IV's etc (I'm an only child). I, honestly, thought she was just prone to nausea, because she always has had severe motion sickness... so I was totally shocked how sick I was. I didn't think you could even be THAT sick--the vomitting was so violent, the mouth ulcers, on and on, as we all know too well.

Now I have hypothyroid too.. which would only excerbate the problems with HG I suppose...

I was so scared while I was pregnant I never EVER let myself think about the baby, I didn't want to feel it or acknowledge in anyway that I was pregnant... actually I was so in love with my baby I couldn't stand to think about it, daydream about what he or she might look like or be like, about baby names, nurseries, about the books to read..... nothing, because I think I would have never been able to bear any catastrophy.

Anyway, here I am celebrating Mother;s Day with a beautiful, brilliant, almost 2 year old. Although I could technically be pregnant, I should not have any more children. I just wanted 2 is all. I really wanted a sibling when I was a kid and even now at 35 I wish I had a sibling. I am raising an only child and I really always said I wouldn't have an only child.

n general I feel sorry for myself, but I see others have the same feelings, and that makes it easier somehow.

My grandpa's mother died while she was pg with her 5th child, and I realize now that she had HG. (My maternal ggma was a mid-wife to her and she was always very ill when pg).

SO every responsible part of me, knows that I have one beautiful biological child and I feel stupid for crying that I can't have more when I am clearly blessed already. Plus I am too old to wait a couple of years to have another baby, when my daughter would be less dependant on me. I wanted to squeeze 2 kids together but it just isn't gonna happen that way.

My husband doesn't want to adopt (I'm not sold on the idea totally either) he is worried about us exhausting ourselves again. His only experience was caring for an infant with a spouse utterly worn down and exhausted from HG and he doesn't think we can handle it...

My husband, is a worrier and a yeller. I think another pg like the first one could really collapse our family. I mean he would yell at me to 'breathe' when I was vomitting. Of course I would have chosen to breathe but my stomach muscles would contract so hard my diaphram could not move... I just had to gulp air when possible. He did this out of worry...but let's just say HG was extremely stressful for us both, and I only recently have started to feel like we are getting back to ourselves as a couple.

Gosh it really just sucks... but its great too, because I DO have one great kid!

Jamie

[m_onthemove]

I so understand what you are going through and I say wait. My husband wanted to get a vas after our second and I just couldn't bear the thought. Last year at Mother's Day I grieved over the ones we would never have. I would love to have 5, but after having HG with the first two I knew we couldn't. But after a lot of talking we decided that one more was doable. And I have HG again, but not as severe as with my first two and I am so happy and I am now very ready for him to set up his appointment! But please wait until your heart is ready. I am so miserable right no, but yet so happy with what we have done.

[Christi]

I feel the pain you are all feeling. I have 3 lovely children, but after the first each was a serious decision.We always wanted 4 or 5.
After Carrie's (oldest) birth, my doctor told me no more. I was the worst HG preg her practice had ever seen.
It seems to take me about 3 years to build the courage to try again. As a family we cant decide to stop, only to see where we are in a few years. We practice natural family planning with the addition of condoms when we are not expanding our family and I am ovulating. It is sometimes a real challenge in self control for sure.
I have hosted or attended more than 10 baby showers in the last 12 months. Every single one makes me question if I am really done. I cant commit to a final act like a tubal or a vas. I am only 30 and cant see myself as done.
I think one more please!!! Then see my kids and wonder how 10 months with a mom who appears to all to be dying will change them.
I hope that I can find peace in all of this.
We even went so far as to become state certified to adopt in FLorida after our second child, but we couldn't feel it, if that makes sense to anyone. We still think there are a few kiddies out there we could take, and if that is our destiny it will present itself, but overall, every day is a battle of just how sick would I get if we went for 1 more? Is it really possibly shortening my life span? I already have some health issues from HG, what else could happen?

I hope everyone finds their own answer, but in my humble opinion, an HGer should never commit to a permenant decision until the pregnancy is over and mom is healthy. A malnurished mind can really mess with you. The depression that HG can cause can really mess with you too. If you are having a vaginal delivery and the tubal would be a seperate proceedure anyway, WAIT... 6 months or a year until you are sure you can live with your decisions...but as I said that is only my opinion.