The corner has been turned

[zoe-down-under]

I have been battling for years.

Children was the one thing I wanted more than anything else. And the one thing that was harder to get than anything else.

I have been heartbroken through living through an HG pregnancy and giving birth to my daughter.

I have been heart broken by going through the foster care process and getting my second daughter and had my heart broken again and again once we had her due to all the issues we faced.

I have been heart broken through termination of a soo much wanted baby due to HG.

Just so much heartache. Now when I look at my time trying to have children I just see so much pain.
Of course I see my two angels who I love to bits but the pain is so predominant.

I have been trying to adopt a special needs baby as I thought that I could give him a special home full of love that I cannot offer to more of my own birth children, but I have realized that trying to adopt him has just inflamed all of my own hurt and anger.

I know now that I would be trying to replace the children I cannot have and he deserves more than that.

So I have declined my interest in him and I have resolved to have no more children at all.

For years I have been looking at that corner called 'no more children' and tried not to walk toward it. Now I have walked straight up to it and I am turning it, I'm turning the corner and I want to leave all the pain behind on that corner and watch it fade away as I walk further from it.

I am getting rid of bottles, baby clothes, and all that stuff that I keep thinking I will use one day. It's all going.

It's all going.



Time for me to move on heh? Spend a bit of time on me?

I hope my next journey takes me home to myself because I know this last journey took me further from myself than I have ever been before.

I may need time away from these boards too.

I love you all on here and I will follow your journey's and I thank everyone who has supported me, it has meant so much.
I really felt like I belonged here.

But I dont know that it's so good for me to belong in this environment right now. I need to get away from the baby thing. It's too easy for me to watch other peoples lives and convince myself that i can do that too. When I can't.

I need to find a life for myself that does not revolve around having babies.

I need to scrape up the pieces of my identity that have been flung all over the place and put me back together again.

Oh how tragic do I sound?

I will still check in on everyone and I will anticipate the birth of those special babies whose mamas I ttc'd with.

So thank you to everyone.



Zoe

[bibliojo]

(((Zoe))) what a hard decision you have made. I wish you peace and all the best.

[IslandDreamer]

(((Zoe)))

Tough stuff you are dealing with, but good for you for doing what you think is best for that little boy.

You know we love you and you will always have a home here if you need a place to talk, to grieve, or to thwack people with a giant pink purse .

Rest and heal, my dear.

Love,
Suzanne

[teddi]

Zoe I am so sorry for the pain and the heartache. We will always welcome you back, for any reason. I truly hope you find peace wherever that may be.

[tgger007]

Zoe,

I wish you peace, love, prayers, and comfort to help you through the pain while finding your purpose. We will be here if you ever need us.

[Proudmama]

I only hope that life will bring you peace, joy and much happiness. You deserve to have some time for yourself and your family. Please know that you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

[zoe-down-under]

Thank you all.







Zoe

[Natalie]

Hi Zoe,

I sincerely hope that you soon find peace and fulfillment in the decsion you have come to.

Very best wishes to you, you know you will always be welcome.

Love Natalie, x