Decision is almost made

[BrandiJK]

Dh and I have been talking more and more. Well, really it has been me talking, and him saying he's been thinking on that and agreeing.

I think this has to be it. Part of me just wants him to get a vasectomy asap, that it will feel so wonderfully good to know this is behind me. (I have nightmares that I get pg again while still pg, it's just that bad!) But, wow, I feel so selfish... I want a son. Here I have 2, soon to be three, perfect and beautiful little girls...and I am having a hard time giving up the idea of a son. I don't know why. Maybe it's because my husband is the last of his line, maybe it's because it's different then girls, or maybe it's something or other. I don't know. But I cry when I walk by baby's clothing and see boy stuff, because I feel like I am giving this up.

But I don't think I can do this again. My body just is being pushed too far. Oh, I could bring more babies into the world, I am sure. But I look at my body, and hell, who would believe I am only 30??? What are the long term issues? How will I recover? Will I ever be me again?

Then there is the list of other stuff. I don't think my family can survive this again, I just don't. I don't know I can, emotionally, survive this again, I don't think I can do this to my kids again, that I can keep up again, and really...how am I going to pay for all these kids to grow, to go to good schools, college.... I know many of you know these thoughts. I could go on and on and on.

I guess I just was looking for a place to put this. I don't want to be pregnant again. If he was fixed, this fear would be behind me. I feel so almost ready to let go of the whole idea of more children, I am just so afraid I'll regret it later, you know?

Dh still wants a son. He wants to adopt, eventually, and I think I could be ok with that. Jeeze...I really do feel quit selfish. I keep feeling like I need someone to give me a good knock on the head and say, "count your blessing sweet heart!" I wouldn't trade my girls for anything. They are my life blood.

I guess it's just a hard decision.

[PamelaRose]

Such a tough decision! What if you would have another little girl next time--would you keep going until you get a boy regardless of how long it takes, or would there be a definite cut-off?

When we were contemplating whether to be content with 2 healthy children or go ahead and try for the 3rd we'd always planned on, I looked to my mother as an example. She had always wanted 3 but stopped (willingly) at 2 due to c-sections (3 was considered the limit at the time). But years later, when I was a teenager, she began to think about that 3rd baby she'd always wanted. And at the end of her life, she said that was the one thing she regretted--not having that 3rd baby. I asked myself if, at the end of my life, I'd regret pushing my body through another pregnancy or not having the last baby I'd always planned on. For me, I knew I'd regret not having the last baby. But it's something you have to make peace with in your own way because the answer's different for everyone.

[mandy]

Oh Brandi,

Well, you all know I'm struggling with this too!

I offer one piece of advice - don't hastily get either of you steralised. After ds, I told the world, 'Never again' and I really meant it. Three years later, I feel strong again (body wise), and me again (mind wise). I know I could survive another pgy, if I choose. I probably still won't do it, BUT, if dh had had a vas I would have been tormented forever thinking if only, if only, if only........... Whereas now I have the control, and whether I choose to have another lo is up to me. So I can't be tormented - I either have to decide to do it, or not. Getting a vas or a tubal should only be done if you're 100% sure in my mind and how you feel now, and how you feel this time next year could be two completely different things.

Give yourself lots of time on this one.
Mandy xxxxx

[BrandiJK]

Such a tough decision! What if you would have another little girl next time--would you keep going until you get a boy regardless of how long it takes, or would there be a definite cut-off?

I should have put this in my original post. I have already told my husband, a while back, that I would *only* get pg again through a specilist who could implant me with boy sperm. That sounds so much like playing god, but there it is.

I had planned on waiting to make the decision. We did have an accitental pg once before that resulted in termination, which I don't think I can survive again, thus the fear. And birth control and I, we just don't get along. If it doesn't make me sick, my body reacts to it. Can you do natural planning with extremely erratic cycles? I go anywhere from 25-65 days, at any given time, bleeding anywhere from 3-9 days. The ovulation that resulted in this pg came 5 days before my 'expected' cycle would have arrived. (first day last menstral, April 10th. Obvious ovulation, mucus arrival, was on June 5th). Is it possible to plan with that kind of cycle? I would totally be up for reading if anyone has a book or site at suggestion!

[mandy]

Do you not trust/get along with condoms?

Shame that the male pill is still not available as I'm sure lots of us here would benefit from dh's taking that.

Over here we can not have embryo selection purely for gender issues. People go to other parts of Europe and pay for it. Is it available in the USA - just interested....

We used natural family planning methods for a couple of years. I used a gadget called personna which you used tests strips and it told you when you were/weren't fertile. I never got pregnant whilst using it but would be too scared to trust it if I really didn't want a pregnancy. There surely is a 'persona' website, so look it up if interested and see what the reliabilty rate is, and whether it is ok for women with irregular cycles. Just an idea. x.

M x

Oh, here's the website: www.g-h-o.co.uk/persona.htm

[BrandiJK]

Thank you for the link. I checked it out, but it says I would not be a good candadite for it because of my cycles. Bummer hum? But it does give me some hope.

And no, condoms do not work for me. Mostly because I react to nonoxinal 9 (sp??) and the ones with out are not as good, and partly because of Dh's objectivity to using them. That is how Brigit found her way into the world.

There are options out there, Ijust have to find them.

Oh, and from what I have seen, you can get sperm seperation (gender specvific) done, but it is not 100%.

Man oh man....my sex life after pg would be a hell of a lot better if there were a pill for Dh to take! Perhaps if societies men could figure that out, there would be less viagra and more male birth control!!!

[mandy]

Found this article from 2001. Hopefully it won't be too long for that male pill to become available...............

Male 'pill' within four years

The contraceptive rods are placed under the skin of the arm.

A male contraceptive "pill" which could be effective for up to three years is being developed in Britain. And because it is delivered through tiny rods placed under the skin of the arm it is impossible for men to forget to take.

The new contraceptive is currently being trialled in the UK with 40 British men aged between 18 to 45 taking part alongside another 80 from the US and Europe.

Results are expected by the end of next year and the makers Organon are hopeful that they will have it ready for the market by 2005. This will finally prove whether a male pill will actually become a reality in the next five or six years.

Safety test

The implant uses etongestrel, a form of progesterone used to block sperm production. The same hormone that is currently being used in the male pill - a contraceptive in tablet form which is already under trial.
With both systems, men will need injections of testosterone every four or six weeks to maintain their sex drive.

The company, which already makes the female implant Implanon, said they would be testing the safety of the implant. Dr Richard Anderson, from the Centre for Reproductive Biology, in Edinburgh, said: "This will finally prove whether a male pill will actually become a reality in the next five or six years."

Dr Fred Wu, who is leading the study at Manchester Royal Infirmary said: "The results to date show completely reversible blockage of sperm production without major side effects."

New methods

Driek Vergouwen, managing director of Organon said this latest trial was part of the company's drive to find new contraceptive methods for both men and women.

"When couples are looking for that particular method of contraception that is suitable for them, a wide choice should be available to them.

"The possibility of a male pill will add to the variety of contraceptive methods already available to men and women around the world."

Dr Ann McPherson, a GP in Oxford with a special interest in womens' health and contraceptives, said the new contraceptive would increase the choice for couples.

"One feels it is good that the man is having to take responsibility as well.
"For couples in stable relationships it is going to be yet another option."

Toni Belfield, of the Family Planning Association, said they were delighted by the "encouraging news".


M x

ps. Can you tell I'm bored tonight hanging around the computer?

[mandy]

By the way, Brandi, I realise this is no good to you as the time lapse would allow too many chance pregnancies to happen and maybe you dh wouldn't be up for an implant (?), but thought it was hopeful anyway.

[aaronsmommy]

I have an IUD and I'm very happy with it, I'm not at the point where I'm ready to close the door to another, but I'm certainly not at the point where I'd consider getting pg anything but a diaster - so the IUD seems to fit well for that. There are 2 available, with different side effects, so if you've had trouble with one, there's always the other.

Also, the new implant that is mentioned in that blurb (like Norplant but only one rod) may actually be released sometime soon in the US - of course, they have been saying that for 3 years now!

I'm not sure I'd ever trust my husband to take a pill for that! Of course, then he couldn't complain if we had an oops because it would be his fault

The sperm selection techniques are between 80-90% accurate these days, but the problem is that it decreases your chance of getting pg each month, so you might have to try longer, and there's always that 10-20%

[Ivydragon]

There IS a book on fertility, and it's fantastic! It's called "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" by Toni Wershler (sp)? It's great for women of any age and really helps you know it all about your cycle. If there was hope you'd be able to monitor your cycle and ovulation, I think it'd be in there.

For us, we decided dh would get a vas after HG #2. I have never regretted that decision. The sex life is better not having to worry about getting pg. Even when we decided to use a donor to conceive, I was still relieved knowing that I could be intimate with my husband for years to come without fear of an unplanned pregnancy, so wasn't really in favor of a reversal, only to have him do a vas again?!?

I have found myself in thinking the same sorts of things as many of you, lately. The road to adoption isn't easy, my youngest is nearly 5, sometimes he feels out of place because there are 3 1/2 years between him and Anna and Aaron is 10 1/2 already. I wonder if it's worth going through all the adoption stuff for another child, especially if we'd be adopting an infant, with all my kids being out of that baby and toddler phase! Next year all of them will have their own homeschool curriculums. How can I possibly keep up and have a baby in the house, too?!? And yet, I'd be profoundly saddened and disappointed later on in life to know we'd not tried to adopt that last 1-2 that we both feel are missing from our family. And there the answer is for us. We'll be continuing with paperwork to adopt.

For us being sterilized as a couple didn't shut the door to parenthood, for others it does. It is a tough decision, and never one to be made quickly. It takes time, and the two of you have to be at peace with the decision together.

Hugs, Andy

[momof2girlsandaboy]

Brandi,

Honey why don't you just type my posts for me so I don't have too!! I too am going through the same tough decision that you have to face only I have 2 girls and a boy and yet to know what this one is. It makes me very very very sad to think that this is my last baby. I know people think WHAT???? you already have 3 and look how sick you have been. I know too that I cannot keep having babies every 18 months. I so love the feeling even with all of the "crap" associated with HG. The problem no on believes me anyone. I swear this is my last one and not one person who knows me believes what I say. I'm not sure though how I would cope. My dh and I have yet to come to a for sure conclusion. I get preggo even while on birth control, Nate was exactly that. So I'm stuck right there with you.

[BrandiJK]

That's just how I feel. There are parts of pregnancy I enjoy, though with this pregnancy I enjoy less and less of it. In fact, it seems that it just keeps on going and going and if it's not one thing it's another.

The stress of thinking about it was effecting me pretty bad, so I decided to stop again. (I know, like that is so easy to do) but then yesterday I was speaking to another mom friend. She had very bad NVP, could have even been mild HG for all I know. Anyway, she asked (like every one does) if I was going to try for a boy. (how are they supposed to know it is such a trigger for me). I was pretty honest, and pretty much told her how I had been struggling with that decision. And what she said really hit home. It was something like, after her last, she just knew. That was it, she just knew she was done. And that everyone she had met who made the decision with out that 'just knowing' regretted it at some point.
She was really open about how being this sick and being placed in the high risk catagory is something she didn't have to consider...but i don't know. I somehow have mure peace around waiting until she born to decide.

and LOL I always read your posts and wonder if I wrote them myself!

[nomore]

Brandi-

I say this is something you need to wait with. After reading your last post, I would agree.... I feel at TOTAL peace with my decision to stop after this one is born. I FEEL done..... DH feels done. Im not even SAD about it. I would of been done regardless of pregancy. I think 2 is just enough for us to handle.... sanity wise and money wise

But- If I had even a inkling of doubt..... I wouldnt pursue anything permanant. Leave the option open and you can decide later.

((((((((((((BRANDI))))))))))))))

Robin

[PamelaRose]

That feeling of knowing we were done is exactly what I've always tried to describe. At the end of Avery's pregnancy, even after HG let up and I was feeling ok, I decided I just couldn't do it again--too tough on my family. But no one believed me, not even my "2 is fine with me!" husband. But no matter how firm my resolve was, I just couldn't bring myself to think of anything permanent, and sure enough, Reilly was waiting in the wings. But the moment I found out I was pregnant with her, I knew that was IT. No second-guessing, no regrets, not a moment of sadness about sterlization plans.

[BrandiJK]

You ladies have all been so wonderful, thank you so much for the support you've given me through out this whole pregnancy and this process as well. Based on what I have read and conversations I have had, I have decided to wait and see how the addition of Hailey feels to our family. But it seems neither Dh or I feel done, at least not at this point, not that final decision. I think the next step is deciding if adoption will fill that call or not.

Thank you again and again!!!

[teddi]

Brandi

You can use NFP w/the Billings Ovulation Method. However, I strongly suggest that while you are learning it, you use something else. ANd I suggest using it in conjunction w/ovulation strips (you can order cheap but good ones online for SO much less than the OTC kits). See if that adds one piece of info. The CM is one key you look for, so ever w/irregular cycles, you are tracking ovulation, regardless of when it happens.

http://www.woomb.org

http://www.billings-centre.ab.ca/general/index.html

You don't have to temp (I never have), you don't have to chart either (though I recommend while you are still learning that you do).

http://www.accuratepregnancytests.com (a good site for lh strips)

[BrandiJK]

Teddi, thank you very much!!!

[Ivydragon]

Brandi,

Just have to tell you my daughter absolutely loves your ticker. She loves to see how close your baby is to being born, and loves to read what is developing now. She comments on it every time she sees me reading posts.

Andy

[BrandiJK]

How fun! Thanks