I completely regret my hysterectomy

Discuss the triumph or heartache of not having more children, and the struggle to make that decision.

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I completely regret my hysterectomy

Postby phaerelastra » Sep 25, 2012 9:12 pm

My hyst was medically indicated to treat endometriosis, yes, I get that logically. I made the decision before my hormones went crazy from losing my remaining ovary and my uterus. I'm almost 6 weeks post-op, had complications with an abcess and continued pain. Now they're talking about going back in for another surgery because of the pain, where they think there are ovary remnants that are causing more endometriosis.

Joy.

I cry pretty much every day over the fact that I still hurt, but especially because I can't have any more babies. I don't want to adopt, I want to have a wiggly little baby in my belly during a FLUFFY pregnancy and not have to face the raw deal that I got. THIS SUCKS!!! DH and I agreed we didn't want another baby and I know that I wouldn't want to actually go through it again, but I'm so angry that I don't even have a chance. I get nauseous and think, oh, I could be pregnant! And then I realize nope, never ever again. I hate that my ovaries betrayed me with endometriosis and that my uterus betrayed me with HG. I just started hormone therapy yesterday, just progesterone to prevent the growth of endo and possibly treat my pain and hot flashes, but I'm moodier and angrier than ever before.

I think I should cut this short before I cry again, because I can't stop obsessing over my pregnant friends on Facebook. My one friend is due in like a week and a half and I am TOTALLY obsessed with every detail of it and we aren't even that close of friends. *sigh*
Image

Kathleen Amelia, born by repeat c-section on 9/2/11. HG from 5-39 weeks, Zofran, Phenergan, Marinol.

Image
1st HG baby, undiagnosed - Elizabeth-Anne Rose, born 2-9-99. Proud to have survived a teen pregnancy and made it to the other side, especially with HG.
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Re: I completely regret my hysterectomy

Postby phaerelastra » Oct 28, 2012 10:15 pm

I've had some time to recover more from the hysterectomy and I have made a small amount of peace with it. I never have to get my period again, which is great, and I never have to worry about HG again. It's weird to have a day of mild nausea and for a second wonder if I'm pregnant and then remember that I can't ever be again. It's liberating and scary, too. I think this is more about realizing that my youth (the high school years, etc.) are long behind me and I have to move on to something different.

My friend from Facebook had her baby, and he arrived a week late. Yup, he.... Not only was I right and the only one that guessed boy, but I always wanted a boy, so I couldn't decide how I felt about the whole thing. I've been quietly trolling her page, looking at cute pics of the baby and making comments here and there. I want to cry my eyes out about it sometimes, but I've been kinda pushing it down lately and try not to think about it. I cried when I sold her bassinet and the other 0-3 mo stuff, but I think that's pretty normal anyway, most moms do that, for a lot of different reasons. Kathleen is a lot of fun these days, babbling and toddling around, learning how to sing along with her favorite songs and does cute little dances. I'm glad I get to cherish it, knowing there's no more.

However, I do worry about this whole endo thing. I had to change my antidepressant, which I can see has helped, plus I'm on progesterone now to balance out my hormones for now. Hot flashes are easier to deal with, but annoying at school because the 19 year olds look at me funny.... lol I still have pain and to take this new medication, that's why I switched meds, because of an interaction with the pain med and anti depressant. I had an 8 week followup, where everything seemed mostly normal and healed, so now I have to wait another two months to see if the pain goes away. If not, I already told my doc, you're going back in with a fine tooth comb to get every bit of ovary you missed, and I don't want any more excuses. :P

I'm sad that I did it, and I think I shouldn't have done it before the little one was even a year old. I should have given it just 5 more years and see if I could have one more. But I didn't, and no amount of telling a stranger about it in therapy makes me want to talk about it in front of someone. I can easily do it here, apparently, but I know I'm still holding back a lot of how I feel about it. I wish there was someone in my boat that could tell me what to think, just so I didn't have to think for myself for a little while. I feel like I keep making bad decisions that I ultimately regret. I don't know.
Image

Kathleen Amelia, born by repeat c-section on 9/2/11. HG from 5-39 weeks, Zofran, Phenergan, Marinol.

Image
1st HG baby, undiagnosed - Elizabeth-Anne Rose, born 2-9-99. Proud to have survived a teen pregnancy and made it to the other side, especially with HG.
phaerelastra
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Location: Concord, NC

Re: I completely regret my hysterectomy

Postby jarezuny » Oct 29, 2012 6:55 am

I'm sorry. It's hard and it's awful.

I haven't been in your situation exactly (but DH is definitely done), but I also get those feelings of longing and wondering "what if" from time to time. Usually when seeing other baby pictures on Facebook... Seeing friends go through relatively easy pregnancies and have all these kids can be hard to deal with. It's not fair.

Not that these things make the bad feelings go away completely, they do help me put things in perspective: I have a couple of friends who are unable to have any children so I remind myself that I am lucky to have my two kids and I love to do things like travel so I remind myself about how much easier that is now. I try to focus on being thankful for what I do have and what opportunities I have with only two children. Not that it makes the bitterness disappear entirely, but it can help sometimes.

Sometimes I wonder if I have second thoughts about being done because I actually might want another child or because I feel like the decision wasn't mine to make. HG (and DH) made the decision for me. That loss of power and feeling of betrayal by my own body is the more challenging issue to deal with in my case.

Hugs.
-Jessica

Mom to Ewan (9/27/02) and Laren (9/03/09)
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Re: I completely regret my hysterectomy

Postby phaerelastra » Oct 29, 2012 10:30 am

Yes, it's definitely a feeling of helplessness that bothers me. My body just wouldn't cooperate and let me have children simply. Between fertility problems and HG, and what all that did to my family, I realized I couldn't put a toddler through what my 12 year old went through with HG. I would miss too much of Kathleen growing up, and for what? Depression and anxiety, etc... Not worth it, especially if it took a long time to get pregnant again.

I know I have a lot to look forward to, like finishing my B.A. in the spring, getting back into a career, and my older daughter starting high school next year. Kathleen will start school as Elizabeth goes off to college, so they both get to be only children while still having a sister. So that's cool. And my husband and I get to live our lives when the younger moves out, so we won't be too old. I know there are so many benefits, but it's hard to see them when the depression creeps in at night, like usual.

Thank you for your kind words. I really needed to hear it. :D
Image

Kathleen Amelia, born by repeat c-section on 9/2/11. HG from 5-39 weeks, Zofran, Phenergan, Marinol.

Image
1st HG baby, undiagnosed - Elizabeth-Anne Rose, born 2-9-99. Proud to have survived a teen pregnancy and made it to the other side, especially with HG.
phaerelastra
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Posts: 144
Joined: May 06, 2011 4:03 pm
Location: Concord, NC

Re: I completely regret my hysterectomy

Postby aaronsmommy » Dec 14, 2012 10:25 am

I saw your post in another thread and instead of hijacking that one, I thought I'd reply here.

Have you been evaluated by a physical therapist who specializes in pelvic pain? I have endometriosis as well, and while it does cause some of my pain, treating it doesn't fix all of it. I have had complications from surgery too that make me terrified of ever doing that again, but I actually don't think the endometriosis causes much of my pain anymore. Basically the endometriosis and the surgery complications have messed up everything else up in there and I have a lot of pain in the pelvic floor muscles and the physical therapy has been great for that (not gone, but liveable).

It goes back to what you said about doctors wanting to treat what they can see. Sometimes that might mean that they don't want to treat you, but sometimes it means that they want to blame everything on what they do see and might miss something else that isn't so obvious.

I'm sorry if it is already something you have tried and it hasn't worked, but if you haven't it is definitely worth trying before embarking on another surgery that might not help and could make things worse. It has to be someone who specializes in pelvic pain, not just any PT will do.

I have also done some mindfulness meditation. There is someone in Boston that works with cancer patients and pain and has tapes available, Jon Kabat Zinn. The concentration there is not fixing the pain, but coping with it. I think that helped a bit too, while we worked on the rest of it.
Aimee

Aaron 12/4/02
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