I am SO P****D off

[di]

ok, I just realised how similar this is to my last post, on this board so I won't go there again.

I am pis#ed off at my body. I am p*ssed off at the medical system. I am p*ssed off at all the fluffies in the whole g*damn world.

I got invited to a baby shower today. I like the person - she's from my church and I think I will like to go.

Anyway, I am mostly p*ssed off at my otherwise wonderful husband, which is very unusual for me, it takes a lot to rile me. He just wont talk about it all.

I feel so lost and empty about this. I so badly want more kids - a case of forbidden fruit perhaps? I cannot and will not go thru HG again.

I was looking at the adoption sites in Australia for both local and international adoption. There are several reasons this will take a long time (not in any order)

1) Very expensive, especially international
2) Lack of babies locally
3) I can't even apply till I am 27 at the Australian end (this is 4 1/2 years away)
4) Most countries have a 2-year waiting period, which means I am looking at about 7 years before I even get started
5) Some have infertility as a requirement (I have no problem getting and staying pregnant.....just hate the pregnancy)

I guess I just feel so ripped up because everything seems like so far away and there is nothing much I can do in the meantime, and Justin won't talk about it.

I know that I have to put all the energy into Jazmin and look after her and be thankful for the one I've got etc etc but that just isn't cutting it at the moment.

Thanks for letting me vent since Justin won't even listen atm and doesn't understand that I can't just "get over it"

[Rose]

Di--not that I'm one to talk because I don't know if I can do it again, but I'm on number 3 and had it pretty bad with number 2 (though not as severe with number 1). BUT, there are over 6 years age gap with this baby and my last one, and time has a way of softening things. You may find the strength in time. I'm amazed at some of the women I read about on this site, and what they've endured. That probably doesn't help, but I know it has inspired me to maybe one day have another, but maybe not.

I don't blame you for not wanting to go through it again. Try not to think about it right now--you've got some time, and time will help--trust me. Just think about your cute daughter.

I hope I haven't discouraged you more. Hang in there.

[Natalie]

Di,

(((hugs)))) I read your post the other day and really wanted to respond to it but I'm not quite sure where to start.

I'm sorry that everything is just so out-of-reach for you at the moment with the adoption and your dh not wanting to discuss more children right now.

I guess because I don't know your HG story, my natural reaction is to say 'never say never' re: another pgy (even though you already did lol). Did you post your pgy story somewhere?

I have an Aussie friend who gets pretty severe HG (on top of other high risk pgy related issues). I had a pm from her recently and her current pgy is so, so, so much better than previously because of her preparation and the fact that she got Zofran this time around. She lives near Melbourne - is that near you?

Anyway. mainly I just wanted to say that I saw this post and I'm really sorry that you're in this situation.

Natalie, x

[di]

Natalie, thanks.

Melbourne is a LONG way from me!!! I have never been there either (dh has and says I'm not missing much LOL <sorry Melbournians!> we're Sydneysiders)

Ok to cut a very long (9 months to be exact) story short, I had Zofran prescribed by a wonderful OB/GYN who was the most important man in my life other than my dh, he was great. I had zofran for most of my pg. We're still recovering financially from that, still begging and borrowing where we can. The pg almost killed me and that is NOT overdramatic, I was glad I had my Will sorted. I also had to make the decision regarding abortion, and that is not a decision I am prepared to ever have to make again. If I'd waited 2 more days and not stabilised even marginally, I wouldn't have had a choice, they would have had to abort the baby. I did stabilise, but then I got much worse. They tried to put a picc line in, but I have a twist in my veins so it can't be threaded, which rules out a picc line in future. All my veins collapsed, so they couldn't hydrate me, they put the fluid through my muscle, so my whole body swelled up, and then they sent me home to die. I went to a different hospital near where dh's parents live so he would be looked after, and I almost died there too. I ended up with a central line for 4 weeks. They wont leave a central line in out of hospital either because it goes stright to the heart the risk of infection is too great.

With what I have read that mostly (but I accept not all) HG pg's are worse than before, I really don't view it as an option.

Dh is getting better with talking about it, I think he was just in a strop that night too!

[Natalie]

*lights go on* Ok, now I get it

Well, even the summary paragraph you gave (which I know will not do your HG experience justice) sounds traumatic and horrendous to say the least. You obviously come under the 'Severe HG' banner.

Have you thought about fostering (do they have the same age limit as adoption??) or surrogacy or would that not be your cup of tea?

I think it's so bad there is an age limit for adoption. I think it's discriminatory at best I mean there must be women out there who know at an early age they won't ever be able to have children and some of them are told they have to wait until they're 27??? That doesn't make any sense

I hope your dh becomes more amenable to chats about babies. I guess he was pretty traumatized having to watch you go through HG and almost have you die on him 3 times.

(((hugs)))

Love Natalie, x

[Rose]

Wow, Di, I should have asked what your HG was like before I stuck my foot in my mouth. I guess what I said was probably discouraging at best.

What can I say now, but what a miracle that you're alive, and your daughter--another miracle. Who knows what other miracles there are still ahead in your life--whatever form they may come in, and maybe in a way you'd never have imagined or wanted.

[christineb]

Hi Di-
I know exactly how you feel... I definitely fell under the "severe, and life-threatening HG" banner as well. Not a fun category to be listed under...absolutely horrible. My OB told me I am lucky to be alive after this recent pregnancy and loss, and that there will be no way I can survive another pregnancy. He basically pleaded with me to please let him give me a Depo shot before leaving his office, for my m/c follow-up, and to continue until DH's Vasectomy date arrives. He was frightened that if I got pregnant again, between now and then, that I would be dead before the end of the 7th week.
I am angry, I am completely heartbroken, and I lost my baby, my dream, and now, hope of trying again to have another baby. I know the anger you are experiencing well. I am so sorry you and I have to experience this awful process of knowing our bodies have betrayed us in their most primal and sacred function - bringing a precious baby into our lives. I have known some of my happiest times, newborn in arms, and I loved being mommy to a tiny baby SO,SO much. I am very lucky for the two beautiful sweet daughters heaven gave me, but I was nowhere near ready to part with that "new mother again" feeling and that dream, for forever. It's definitely hard for others to understand, the choice is totally out of our hands, and it's a very de-powering feeling - a blow to our sense of "womanhood", in addition to simply being traumatic and horrible to have to realize. I'm here for you, and wanted to just say to please keep hope - I don't know what the foster-to-adoption programs are like in Australia, but DH and I will be looking to this in the future, here in the U.S., as we hope to complete our family, the one we always dreamed of and hoped for. I can only hope that time will help heal the pain - for you, for me, for all the HG women who cannot endure pregnancy again.
I'm here, and you can PM me anytime,
Hugs,
Christine