I think it is coming back

[aaronsmommy]

For the first year after I had Aaron, I was obsessed with having another. I knew I really couldn't, but I thought about it all the time and had intense baby longing even though I still had one. Since then I've gotten better and better, and figured that I'd someday get to acceptance about not having another.

Now I feel that longing starting again. I find myself thinking about having another. Thinking about ways to make a pregnancy a possibility, dreaming about having two kids.

Maybe it has something to do with the fact that EVERYONE seems to have decided to tell me it's time to have another? Well, everyone who didn't know me when I was pg before.

Realistically, I don't know how I could make it happen, and I'm pretty sure dh is still not willing to even consider the idea, so I don't want to feel this way at all

[PamelaRose]

Well, damn. That's about all I can think of. If Mike gets insured through a job and you qualify for AFLAC, could you go into a coma for 30 weeks? So not fair! I wish there was some easy way to help.

[mandy]

I really feel for you.

I was feeling very tormented by the 'should we/shouldn't we' thing. I decided to give myself time. Actually this September is my deadline (put there by myself). If I am still wanting another then, I am going to just do it. Line up all I need to be ready and then bite the bullet and do it. If I am feeling content, then I am calling it a day. Sticking with my two and marching on into the future. I decided to do this around November time. I was so screwed up and frustrated and confused. 60% of me wanting to do it, but a significant % being too scared and thinking that I will get on in life just fine with what I have.
Since I made that decision, a huge amount of pressure has gone. Literally like a weight has lifted off my shoulders. The weirdest thing was that as soon as I 'allowed' my self a pregnancy if I so desire, my broodiness actually decreased. It has stayed that way and I really don't think I will do another pregnancy.
Now, of course, I have two children which probably makes quite a difference but I must tell you I always longed for four and so stopping at two has taken huge adjustments and a lot of heart-to-hearts with dh.
I'm sorry to ramble on and sorry I can't really help but, with time, I am/have accepted having less children than I had hoped for. I feel pretty fine about it, only have odd moments of sadness. I hope your feelings either resolve, or you manage to challenge hg once again in order to find peace within yourself. But, do allow yourself time to make a decision - there is no rush. Don't let others put pressure on you as the right time to have another baby (if you do) is of no concern to anyone but you and dh.

Much love, Mandy x

[nomore]

Aimee-

Just sending you hugs..... I know how hard it is to be in that spot, trying to figure out how to satisfy your heart and the reality of why it should or shouldnt happen.

((((((((((((((Aimee))))))))))))

Hopefully people will start to mind thier own business soon and not tell you that its time to procreate..... <sigh> if only it were easier.......

[aaronsmommy]

I really didn't care about the suggestions when I didn't care about having another - hmmm, I wonder if I am actually getting having more people suggest it, or it just SEEMS that way?

I'd love to try your suggestion Mandy, but I can't get past the impossibility of the whole thing. Our boys are about the same age I think, Maybe it's just time to get broody? I wish you a peaceful September, no matter what you decide.

I'm trying to get them to approve pregnancy related things for my disability again, just in case of an accident, but there are still too many reasons not to get pregnant on purpose, and dh would come near me if I wasn't using good birth control!

[mandy]

Aimee,

Yes I think the time around age three certainly triggered a 'now or never' feeling in me of whether to do 'babyhood' with another child. John just turned 4 two weeks ago and looks sooo big now!

I don't know about any of the additional worries you have with pregnancy apart from hg but, boy, hg is enough in itself without you having to worry about others - how unfair! I also had another condition of pregnancy which, with hg, does make me think I'd be mad to do it again incase I cause any long term damage to myself.

My broodiness has certainly decreased (to give you hope!) - just ask poor Natalie with all the propping me up she has done over the last year or two!
My dh is willing to do pregnancy again but doesn't want to watch me suffer when he's completely happy with our family. The fact that he said; 'If you really want to, let's do it. Let's get on and have another..' really freaked me out! It gave me the control and my broodiness just about halved in 30 seconds!

Have faith in time - you may feel differently in a few months and if you don't you can still tackle that then. Oh, and talking to dh endlessly until his ears were burning helped me no end (poor guy). I recommend that but obviously all couples are different...
Much love, mandy x

[teddi]

you know it's odd, but I felt the same way when DS was still an infant, the first year I thought about doing it again (in fact was seriously considering it). Then I got used to sleeping thru the night, lol, and finances dictated I start working.. and it faded as I got into a groove w/my son.

Your DH stays home right? So you are the breadwinner? That is such a hard position to be in. Aside from the fact you were insanely ill with Aaron...

Is there any circumstances under which your DH would be open to another? Does he just not want more kids, or is scared for you?

[aaronsmommy]

I know Mike would be happy to have more kids, but he also really wanted to have them close together, and it is obviously too late for that.

He hasn't worked since I got pg with my first, and is very ready to go back to work and if he goes back, he won't stop again (he's applying for jobs for the fall, but may not start until the following fall). If we had another we wouldn't be able to have one of us at home with the baby, and Mike really wants that. I don't feel strongly, but Mike does, but this is something I think we could work out, although this does make me feel less comfortable with adoption because I don't want it to be "daddy stayed home with Aaron, but not with you because you're just adopted" Then there is the question of who would take care of me if Mike is working?

Medically, most of my complications were hg related, but I did have a lot, including a loss at 18 weeks.

Aside from the standard hg issues with planning another, I have been rejected for disability coverage that includes pg more than once, and I make 3 times what Mike will make when he goes back to work, so we can't really survive financially if I can't get a policy that will cover me. I occasionally think of leaving CA so we can have more flexibility financially (I would earn more, and the cost of housing would be less and maybe we could save a bit more for pg), but I'm not getting any younger, and I wouldn't want to go somewhere and get pg right away, since that didn't work very well for me before.

Mike has always been adamant since Aaron was born about no more kids. When I was really sick, and they were talking about things being life threatening, it really got to him (I couldn't have cared less at the time, although that part does matter to me now) and I can't really argue with that. I can tell him that I won't die and I'll be fine, but he knows I can't offer any guarantees (and with our first, I would reassure him that the baby would be fine, and then the baby died, so it's not like I have a great track record on this). Unfortunately, we don't really talk about this anymore because he doesn't like that I would even consider getting pg again. If anything, he was unaware that I had been feeling better about not having another for the time that I was.

It would be best if I could just be happy with one - I just don't want to be pining away for another.

[teddi]

I'm not sure if the disability insurance you need is for business/work purposes (as in cover business costs) or is it income/med bills supplemental, but I thought of something.

Do you own your home? What about mortgage insurance? DH is not "low risk", he has a hx of smoking, drug use, and he's obese. BUT despite all that, they didn't ask for his medical records (don't ask me how honestly the agent filled out his form ).

Now, I wasn't turned down BUT they wanted to review my med records, and at that point I just decided to stick w/just DH's insurance (and I was moved to a higher risk category and yes, the premiums jumped up substantially). BUT, for less than $70 a month DH has mortgage ins. including dis. coverage.

I don't know if the disability insurance would (or if there are some that do) cover Mike in the event of an FMLA event, but they might?

[JennyK]

Aimee, I realize this is an old post, but wanted to tell you that AFLAC covered me no problem for this pregnancy. Nothing on the app triggered a look at my medical history. HG is specifically covered so long as you haven't been treated for it in the last 12 months. The agent knew exactly why I wanted coverage and I was able to answer all the questions with 100% honesty and still get the policies.

AFLAC has basically paid for all my out-of-pocket medical expenses and 2/3 of my net income. My employer agreed to pay for my health premiums while I was sick in leiu of any paid sick leave. (I have to pay Annie's premium, which is normally deducted from my paycheck, and Joe is on his employer's plan.) If they hadn't paid, I guess I'd being using COBRA right now to the tune of $400/mo.

With AFLAC, COBRA and some savings, I bet you could do it financially. Whether you are up for it, and moreover, whether Mike can be convinced, is another story. I think about having a third every day, and I'm still struggling to get #2 here. I'm pretty sure that no matter what, Joe is NEVER going to be talked into doing this a third time. It took significant arm twisting to talk him into a second round, and I suspect he's still doubtful it was a good idea. (I know that will change the instant this baby is born.) It's too hard and scary for him to see me sick, plus run the household on his own for 9 months. Anyway, he's the main reason we'll probably never have a third.

It just plain sucks to have decisions so fundamental as how many children to have dictated by HG.