Confused

[DebbieS]

Hi!

I'm not sure whether to try for another, or to say I'm done.I'm changing my mind lots at the moment.

My last pregnancy didn't go well. I had severe run-away HG (wasn't on meds first 4 weeks.. bad mistake), lost 40 pounds in 4 weeks, got very ill in hospital despite IV hydration, and finally lost my baby girl at 13 weeks (placenta abruption, bleeding started when I was at my worst). It had a huge impact on my health post preg, although 8 months on I'm almost physically recovered from it.
During the pregnancy I had decided no more, but after the miscarriage I immediately thought I'd try again. At that time I didn't want to have to grieve the loss of future children, as well as the child we had just lost.

I've found myself sabotaging my efforts to get healthy again so I can TTC, and its made me think, maybe I don't want to try again, or maybe I'm too scared to.

I think "no more" because of the long term physical impact HG can have on my health, the impact another HG preg would have on my family and plain fear.
I was so scared during the last pregnancy. There were a few weeks where I wasn't sure if I would survive (physically that is). My side of the family have expressed reservations about me trying again for that reason. My DH says the decision is up to me, he would like another too, but also worries about me going through it again.

I think "another one" because I'd like a sibling for my 3 year old, I'd like a baby again, I like larger families with brothers, sisters, cousins etc, and because I'd worry I'd feel like a failure.

Whenever I think "no more", I have intense feelings of pain and grief. When I think "I'll try again" I feel stressed out!!

When do you know? Do you get to the stage where you feel comfortable about your decision, do you still have doubts?

Still confused,

Debbie

[peanut]

I am so sorry for the loss of your little girl. I had horrible HG with my first pregnancy. I never lost a child to HG, but I was still TERRIFIED to try again. It took years to even seriously consider having another child, and took even longer to try. My husband was about as scared as I was to get pregnant again. I know that with HG some people can have some lingering depression and post traumatic stress disorder. I think this makes it even harder to decide - because we are so conflicted. I have always been conflicted about getting pregnancy again, even though I am pregnant now I am still conflicted and I feel guilty about my son not having as much "fun" time with me. However, I think in this society a lot of people who choose to have only one child feel the pressure to have more. My sister had a stroke during her delivery with her son and almost died, and still she felt the pressure to have more children. It took a lot of time for her realize that her son was all that she needed. I'm sorry I can't be more of a help, but I thought I'd let you know you are not alone.


Lora

[PamelaRose]

I'm so sorry about your loss.

When I'd decided to be content and be done with HG after my second child was born, I still longed for the third baby we'd always planned on, but I tried to focus on the BAD parts of pregnancy and remind myself why we should be happy with two. Despite my resolve, I couldn't bear the thought of sterilization for either me or my husband. I knew things weren't settled when I cried hysterically at the mere mention or sight of babies on TV (and I had a newborn in my arms at the time!). When people made mention of "being done having kids," I'd always whisper 'maybe' in my mind. As months went on, I started planning out how we could manage another pregnancy. I started searching for HG information when my second baby was 8 months old, and I gained confidence. It took a year before I was ready to voice my hopes to my husband and tentatively lay the groundwork to prepare friends and family for another go'round, and then our last baby made a shocking appearance while we were still in the 'negotiations' phase. I've never had second thoughts about the decision to be done having babies once #3 was born.

Of course, you're scared after your last pregnancy, with good reason. But it also doesn't sound like you're completely ready to give up on hopes for more children. Give it time. Find a method of bc that you're confident about, grieve your loss, talk with your doctor about the medical facts behind your loss, and research to find hope for the future. As months roll by, you'll either find yourself settling in and being content with the situation as the trauma of your loss fades, or you may find that you're growing more and more resolved to try again and that the fear is fading. As for your family, while their support is no doubt needed, they don't have the right to weigh in on the reproductive decision that is between you and your spouse.

You'll find women here who went on to have more children after devastating loss, and you'll find others who cannot or choose not to have more children because of HG. Either way, you have support here. Give it time, and the answer will be more clear to you.

[mandy]

Hi Debbie,

I also am very sorry to hear of the loss of your little girl.

I feel very lucky to have come through hg with two children. However, I can't deny that I long for the two other children I had always planned to have. I do not have the 'I'm done' feeling at all, and in my heart I know I never will. In fact, it bugs me no end when people say that you will know when you're done. I don't know that I'm done at all, but I am pretty sure I won't do hg again. I have to live with that and it does get a little easier as the time passes.

I know that I will always regret not having at least one more child, but I will just have to live with that regret because I am making the decision to stop for the right reasons within my family.

I hope, if having another is what you need to do, that you and your body find the strength to do it. It's horrible being in this place of amazingly thankful for what you have, but of yearning for more. Please don't let family family or friends sway your opinion with their 'good intention' opinions. This really is between you and dh. I believe if it is completely your and dh's decision, then you will have much more peace with it, whether it be to have another baby or not.

Much love, Mandy x

[teddi]

Debbie,

I read thru your other posts to get an idea of what happened last time. Firstly I am so sorry you lost your baby, I can't imagine how hard that is for those of you who endure such bad HG and lose your babies. And yet, seeing you had bad care, I'm less suprised it happened. Untreated and very severe HG *is* associated w/late miscarriages, as in after the 1st trimester.

These are very tough decisions to wrestle with.

If you decide to have another one there are lots of things you can do. Get a care provider on board- see them BEFORE getting pregnant and make an agreement that you need very aggressive treatment. You can start Zofran, Unisom/B6, Reglan, etc pre-emptively. This does help. I mean for those of us with severe HG it does eventually hit but it seems to help keep it at bay longer. You can get an order to have a IV fluids at the first signs of dehydration. You get UA strips to test your urine at home. Maybe set up for home health care, or a PICC line. You agree to a regimen of testing you- CBC and other tests to keep an eye on vitamin deficiencies, etc.

Others may not support you. I know if I ever decided for another pregnancy I won't have any of my family thinking it's a good idea. It's that they are scared for me. Understandably. I'm scared for me too, but ultimately it is your decision to make- you are the one making the biggest sacrifice. The pay off lasts a lifetime. However you have to be in good physical condition yourself before doing that. Take your time in making a decision.

[aaronsmommy]

Add me to the list of those perpetually confused.

My first pg was like your last one, I was very sick, but did not get aggressive enough care early on (in my case it was my own denial though), and just got sicker and sicker. I lost my baby at 18 weeks when I was as sick as ever. It took months of wondering before I decided to try again, but I decided that having a baby was more important to me than anything that would happen during pg.

I thought that by being prepared and more aggressive it would be better the second time, and I guess in some ways it was, but I was still very, very sick, and had several life threatening complications. When my doctor talked to me about termination because of how bad it was looking for me, I could without hesitating say no. I never cared about my complications during his pg, I figured if I died at least I wouldn't have to be sick anymore, and I knew I did not want to lose another baby.

Now I have a wonderful 3 year old who was worth every second of the misery and fear of his pg.

I'd love to have a sibling for him, but now that he is here, the decision about whether to get pg again is very different. How could I make the same decision about termination if my life was in danger, knowing what it would do to him if I died? Even so, I think I would do it if my husband agreed, but I don't think he ever will. 3 1/2 years later and I refuse to make any decision final, although reality tells me that I will never have another.

It does sound like your care was far from optimal, so chances are good that you would do much better if you could find someone who was willing to be aggressive and do their research, but even the best of care is no guarantee that things won't go wrong.

Give yourself plenty of time.

[DebbieS]

Thank-you everyone for your replies.
I got a lot of help/comfort from each of them.
I've decided to wait longer before making a decision of to try again or not and let more water go under the bridge first. I've found myself being a lot happier and more relaxed by not worrying about that just now.
I also wished I had known about this website sooner!!

[justme]

Debbie,

I just wanted to reply to your post about being confused - we seem to have a lot in common. I was the one who posted the questions about ketones and tachycardia and it seems that we both had very difficult pregnancies and then losses (and I am so sorry for your loss). We did not find out about hg and this web-site until after our loss, which was my second pg (although my records from my ob-gyn say that I had hg, they just never discussed it with us or treated it well).

When I lost my baby we already knew that it was struggling, it had an abnormal heartbeat and didn't seem to be growing, and due to that and my incredibly bad health, we were actually discussing terminating our pregnancy (something we never thought we would do as we are both Christians who love being parents) as we were sure I was going to die very soon and that the baby was not going to make it and we were very concerned that our baby was suffering. At some point the baby's heart just gave out (which we had the sadness of knowing was probably going to happen) and I had a missed miscarriage - so my body still thought I was pregnant and my hg continued.

Because we were so traumatized by the pregnancy itself and the loss of our baby, and because we never wanted to be in the position again of having to consider something as devastating as termination, we immediately went out and my husband got the snip. I wish more than anything that we had not done that. Now that we know so much more about the illness I would really like to have another child and feel that it may be possible with good medical care and just the knowledge of what it is we are dealing with. I think the not knowing was so terrifying and made everything worse.

However, my husband was really afraid that I was going to die and does not want me to get pregnant again (I am actually still have some bad health effects).

But I would like for the option to still be open. I hate that the option is not open anymore. As it is, I pray every night that God would work a miracle and I would still get pregnant.

My point: Don't make a hasty decision, keep your options open. Take some more time to study hg, to discern your current health and finances and see if you could do it, and make sure and discuss it really well with your spouse.

Best of luck,
Karen