Only one and the guilt is unreal

Discuss the triumph or heartache of not having more children, and the struggle to make that decision.

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Only one and the guilt is unreal

Postby annmarie » May 31, 2004 4:49 pm

Hi ladies,

My name is Ann Marie and I have a 17 month old boy, Conner. My HG was horrific, feeding tubes, staph infection, numerous allergic reactions to meds and everything else. My husband and I have decided not to have anymore biological children, but adopt. However, this is so hard, because I just know how badly I want another biological child, but I am afraid of the consequences and decisions I would have to make if my HG was worse the second time around, so therefore we have decided to stop.

We dreamed of 4 children of our own. Of course all dad's want a little boy, but I so dearly want a little girl. I remember when we found out it was a boy, my husband about jumped out of his pants! A few hours later my husband looked at me and said with tears in his eyes, I am so sorry we will never have a little girl like you. I still start crying every time I think of it and everytime I see a little girl and her mommy I just want to cry. I feel like I am being selfish, I have a beautiful little boy and I truly am grateful. I guess we will adopt a little girl, but I will always wonder what our little girl would have looked like.

The guilt is unreal and I feel so horrible everytime I read that other women endured HG multiple times. :cry:
Ann Marie King
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Postby aaronsmommy » May 31, 2004 11:27 pm

I think I'm with you on this one.

My son is 18 months so almost the same as yours and I think this is a particularly hard time. They are really starting to show that they aren't babies anymore, and at least for me, everyone I see who has kids his age is either pg, or trying, or already has another.

My hg was also quite extreme (TPN until I delivered, and plenty of other stuff that goes along with being so sick). It doesn't scare me to be pg again. I'd be willing to do it, but my husband won't think of it, there's no way we could survive financially, and I couldn't bear to not be mommy to my son for so long (let alone consider the potentially life threatening aspects of my hg).

We talk about adopting, and I think we will, but I can't quite wrap my mind about it yet. Part of it is that we just adore my son, and we can see each other in everything he does that it is so hard not to want another from the same mold.

Part if it is some irrational hope that we could do pg again. I have seen so many who have had hg, said they would never do it again and then change their minds and have another 5 or more years later, I keep wishing that could happen, but there are too many things that are agianst it for us (age being one!). Then there is hoping for an accident. Not much chance there, I got an IUD so I wouldn't have to worry about it, and I'd be paralized with fear with anything less effective, plus an accident right now would be devastating for us.

For me, I feel like I had 2 hg pregnancies in me. The problem is that I lost my first at 18 weeks, so I've already used them up and I don't get anymore.

I am so thankful for my little family, and most of the time that is enough.
Most of the time.

Aimee
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Postby annmarie » Jun 01, 2004 8:56 am

Hi Aimee,
Thanks for responding. It helps to know that there is someone else who is thinking the way I do. Our husbands sound the same in their thinking. My husband also does not want me to get pg again. I am with you on everything you mentioned, the thought of not being able to be around my little one for weeks, let alone months would kill me inside. I don't want to imagine how it would effect him and our relationship. We are planning to adopt, but not right away.

I am afraid of being pg again and my husband got a vasectomy right after the birth of our child, because I knew as time went by we would want another and we knew we wanted it fresh in our memory.

So glad I found you. I hope we can keep in touch.
Ann Marie King
Co-Founder
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Small Families

Postby cmracey » Jun 01, 2004 4:59 pm

Ann Marie - Hi, & sorry I am late to your post! I just want to say that reading your post brought tears to my eyes! I know how fortunate I am to have been blessed with 2 wonderful daughters & that my HG was moderate comparitively to what you and Aimee have experienced! I too wonder what my DH would have been like with his own son, what he would have looked like, the fun "boy" things they would have enjoyed together! Not that he won't be able to do those things with his daughters, but it's just different! There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish we could have tried for a boy & that HG didn't affect my life the way it has, but the hard reality is that it did, I can't change anything or make it go away, so I am just content that I have 2 baby girls to love!
I hope that you are able to find solace in your decision to not endure HG again & that you a baby girl comes your way!
DH had a vas. when my 2nd daughter was only 2.5 mos old. He too said, NO MORE!! He's a wonderful daddy & took exceptional care of our oldest during the roughest times! I thank god for him everyday!
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Postby Mar2 » Jun 04, 2004 11:24 am

AnnaMarie - I'm so sorry. I know it hurts to let go of the dream of another biological child and of that "perfect" pgcy. If only there was a cure...

Aimee - I think I could have written your post. Dh is opposed to another pgcy, I'm the bread winner, and I can not bear to think of missing out on 9 months of Maranda's life. Like you, I was so driven to try again after the loss. But it is different now that baby and I have beaten HG. And my body is just finally coming back so it is hard to contemplate doing it again (but so hard to let go of the dream). Heck, I couldn't even go the HUGS site for months because just the look of the website made me nauseous. How could I do HG again?! It is very hard to risk HG but even more so the risk of another miscarriage. I don't think I could bear it. Plus, dh and I are already as old as the hills :lol: It sounds like you and Aaron are having a great time (read about the oils in another post - ha)!! How is work and motherhood working out for you?
Marla
------------------------------------------------
HG PG 1: miscarried at 16 weeks 3/18/2002
HG PG 2: baby girl 5/29/2003
Step-Son: born 11/26/1990 (acquired May 1997)
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Postby aaronsmommy » Jun 04, 2004 9:59 pm

I'm really sad about this today. I have been working on setting up my own business and I just got my disability policy written today. This is the last step I have been waiting for before I can give notice to my current horrible employer that I will be leaving this sorry excuse for a job in 2 weeks (this is the good part). I had to jump through hoops for this policy, and it excludes pregnancy of course, and being responsible for my own business wouldn't allow me to get pregnant anyway. This is really as good as getting a vasectomy for us.

I guess the good thing is that it may push us closer to adopting and maybe that would help me get over my hang-up about wanting another pg.

Marla - it's great to see you again! Maranda must be getting so big. I'd love to see pictures! Aaron is so much fun, talking away these days. My jos sucks as you read above, but i finally get to say goodbye to them. I've been working way too hard recently, so it will be nice to be able to set my hours the way I want them.
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Postby jjbeck » Jun 05, 2004 2:09 am

HI AnnMarie. I think I know how you feel, but my guilt is somewhat different. My first HG pg was quite severe causing several other health issues. I had no idea what HG was. My first OB told me it was a psych issue and not much she could do. Fortunatly I got a different OB who was great but by that time the HG had spiraled so. We ended up having to terminate the pg. Before that I had a miscarriage. This past HG pg was much better controlled with steroids adn I was sent to a perinatologist early on. I ended up having other pg complications and vowed to have a tubal as both DH and I vowed to never get pg again, but we ended up with a beautiful little girl on the 19th of April. It is when I look at her that I feel the most guilt. Guilt of having had terminated....guilt of actually had considered a tubal. Now I do not think I could go through permenant sterilization...and think that maybe in a couple of years I can do another pg. It is going to be a while though before I could even bring it up to dh.
Jen 34
HG X2

DH Bob
DD Ava 4/04
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Postby Mar2 » Jun 05, 2004 10:07 am

Aimee: Congratulations on starting your own business! After all you went through with these last two employers, it must feel liberating to finally work for yourself. How much notice are your required to give? Do you have any patients lined up? Are you bound by any non-compete agreements?

I am sorry it is a bittersweet time. But it must be a comfort to know you will soon be spending more time with Aaron. And even though this opportunity seems to close the door on another biological child, there is still the possibity, however remote, that you could reopen that door by lining up a partner to temporarily take over your practice. You never how dh's decision, your financial situation, etc. might change over the upcoming years. I don't know how these things work, but I suspect owning a business might give you some advantage when it comes to adoption too.

As for Maranda, you are right. My scrawny preemie is now a chubby 20 lb. toddler. She is so fast...I'm too old to keep up ;) I haven't seen any place to post pictures on this new site yet. Should I just send you a private message or should I post it in the discussion? I would use the Yahoo site but this seems like a much better place and the Yahoo service is pretty flaky these days.


Best of luck with your new venture!
Marla
------------------------------------------------
HG PG 1: miscarried at 16 weeks 3/18/2002
HG PG 2: baby girl 5/29/2003
Step-Son: born 11/26/1990 (acquired May 1997)
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Postby aaronsmommy » Jun 05, 2004 1:01 pm

I have no idea about pictures on this site, so I sent you a message.
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Postby Abby » Jun 07, 2004 1:08 am

I also have a son, nearly 19 months old now, and my husband and I are starting to talk seriously about whether or not to have another child. I see the postings from women who decided to have another HG pregnancy and it is still hard for me to understand the tremendous bravery (or amnesia?!) of anyone who would be willing to go through it again. When I was pregnant I used to write myself notes telling my (future) self to under no circumstances get pregnant again, reminding myself how torturous every hour was, how long the hours and days and weeks were! On the other hand, we desperately want more children, and want my son to have a brother or sister. My hyperemesis was not typical (I didn't vomit much, but just felt mind-numbingly nauseous all of the time, had no appetite and lost a lot of weight until put on TPN...) and my health problems continued mysteriously (though not as severely) after the baby was born, so I continued to nurture the hope that maybe there would be another cause for my illness besides HG and that, resolving it, I could get pregnant again. My symptoms have mostly resolved, though still I have no idea of why, and I am begining to come to terms with the fact that I have to choose whether or not to risk going through a similar pregnancy. I know that chosing not to be ill again, and chosing to remain the healthy, emotionally-present mother I am now to my son is the right choice, but it is so hard giving up the dream of having another biological child, and having another pregnancy that is normal. The urge to do it all again and master it somehow is so strong! And yet, I wouldn't put myself through it again!

Anyway, I wanted you to know I responded to your dilemma.

Abby
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Postby jjbeck » Jun 07, 2004 12:31 pm

I dont know that it is as much bravery as it is amnesia :D
Jen 34
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DH Bob
DD Ava 4/04
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Postby Kschwintz » Jun 07, 2004 10:07 pm

Good for you Aimee on starting your own business!! I agree with the 18 month old blues. Ainsley is officially a little girl, not a baby, and it kills me!! It is even more devastating that I will never have another. Adoption, of course, is everyone's suggestion, but, like you, I see Jess and myself in Ainsley all the time.

You know what an incredible woman I think you are for going through it twice!!!

Hugs,
Kim
Oh, I emailed you at home!
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Postby jjbeck » Jun 10, 2004 10:32 pm

HI Kim and Aimee. I was just wondering if either of you thought about surrogacy. So many have suggested adoption to me as well, but to be completely honest...I just really feel that I want a baby that has come from us. I guess I know it should not matter but to me it just does...especially now after having Ava.
Jen 34
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DD Ava 4/04
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Postby Traci in Japan » Jun 14, 2004 5:47 am

[quote="Abby"]I My hyperemesis was not typical (I didn't vomit much, but just felt mind-numbingly nauseous all of the time, had no appetite and lost a lot of weight until put on TPN...) and my health problems continued mysteriously (though not as severely) after the baby was born, so I continued to nurture the hope that maybe there would be another cause for my illness besides HG and that, resolving it, I could get pregnant again. My symptoms have mostly resolved, though still I have no idea of why, and I am begining to come to terms with the fact that I have to choose whether or not to risk going through a similar pregnancy. I know that chosing not to be ill again, and chosing to remain the healthy, emotionally-present mother I am now to my son is the right choice, but it is so hard giving up the dream of having another biological child,

Hi Abby, I just wanted to say that I have seen several women on the hugs board who suffered mainly nausea and not a lot of vomiting. I fit that pattern pretty much. Around the clock nausea is still horrible. And your weight loss is a reflection that you were ill - it is not normal for women to starve themselves. You didn't say what medications you tried. Is there any chance that there is something that could help if you decide to try again. My third pg was better emotionally because I was taking something that killed the nausea until some smell or something triggered it. I hope that we can find something that would give you the opportunity to have another child. It was the hugs forum and all its information that gave me the courage to try again, and made that pregnancy manageable.
Traci in Japan
Australian, three boys (hg pregnancies and births in Japan)
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I understand

Postby ashleymoore65 » Jun 18, 2004 4:06 pm

As I read through these posts I recognized my feeling in several of your posts. I too have one awesome 3 year old boy with whom I had mild Hg. I lost our last baby at 15 weeks with severe HG. (you name it, we tried it)We also would have loved and girl and are pretty sure that our little one was a girl. My doctor is nervous for me to try again but supportive. We are consulting a specialist a couple of weeks. I am hoping he will have some insight into my particular case and loss. I know that it is selfish of me to want another biological child when it so obviously affects my hubby, son and other family members. However, I can't seem to let go of giving it another try. It has been 3 1/2 months and my body is still not recovered but it is getting there. My heart is taking a lot longer! I am not feeling led at this time to adopt and I think it is important to feel led to make a decesion like that. I might feel led someday but I don't right now. I guess I just want to thank everyone for making me feel more normal about my feelings and wish you all the best.
Pregnant with #3. Praying for healthy baby abd live birth! Mommy to son Greyson- born 8/19/01, baby Moore lost at 15 weeks 3/09/04 and Mommy to Grant 6/29/ 2005. Severe HG with all 3 pregnancies. TPN, PICC, Zofran Pump, Hospitalization, Home Health Care, you know the drill!
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Postby Gail » Jun 18, 2004 8:54 pm

I once felt the way you guys do,but it all changed for me when I got pg this last fall by accident. It had been almost 5 yrs since my last pg and i knew then that i never wanted to experience anything like that again. At first i wasn't even sure I could continue w/ the pg when the hg started again. But w/ tremedous support from my dh and my parents (who watched my other two children), i was making it through. I ended up miscarrying at 14 wks. I had planned after that to have a tubal, but I found this website and it with it I also found new courage to try again. I'm hoping to ttc later this year after we move. I just think you should give it some time before you do anything permanate. i'm glad i did. But I also know that you have to make the deciosn that's right for you and your family. My thoughts and prayers are with all of you, I truly know how it's felt over these last 5 years.
Mom to two girls
Sydney (6-7-95)
Lauren (10-13-99)
Lost Angel (2-9-04)

Strange how people who suffer together have stronger connections than people who are most content---Bob Dylan
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Postby kmwilson » Jun 29, 2004 1:13 pm

Traci in Japan,

What was your miracle drug? Mine was Zofran, but it seems like yours worked better.

AshleyMoore,

I too live in Frisco. I know how you're feeling about the biological child, and needing to feel led in that direction.
Kimberly
Frisco, TX
2 HG Pregnancies
Daughter 2000
Son 2002

HG began at 6-8 wks; Zofran from 12 wks until around 25-26 wks. Despite HG, I loved the miracle of birth.
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Postby Traci in Japan » Jul 01, 2004 2:39 am

Kimberly

I was on diclectin which is unisom and b6 combined. As Ann-marie and Aimee both tried a whole range of drugs and have an extensive knowledge of hg treatments I would never think to bring up this subject. Most women with hg have tried unisom and b6. But as Beth never mentioned her medications I wondered if she had tried the whole range out there to find one which would work on her nausea. Some of the drugs work on the nausea and others on the vomiting and of course, a drug that works for one woman may not be as effective for someone else. After hearing that if I hadn't vomited five times a day for five days in a row then the doctor wouldn't see me, I figured that I wasn't sick enough to need treatment. But the round the clock nausea lead to a 30pound weight loss and I was clearly not well.

The diclectin took the edge off for me. I still lost 20 pounds and was miserable but nowhere near as desperate as I had a break between episodes of nausea and vomiting. I also felt stronger knowing I could up the doses I was taking (which I did) or switch/add medications as I needed. That leeway gave me the strength to get through. I had already had two unmedicated pgs so I knew that something had to work enough to make it less traumatic.

Anyway, I was just trying to say that if you have nausea without vomiting you should still look into a range of treatments. The final decision from there on in remains with each individual woman.

I now have 3 boys. I know we aren't having any more and hg is not the only factor in that decision. But I catch myself daydreaming about future children.The first thing I would do if I won the lottery was get my family on a plane to the US to plan for another baby. I guess I will continue to daydream.
Traci in Japan
Australian, three boys (hg pregnancies and births in Japan)
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thank you

Postby kmwilson » Jul 01, 2004 9:35 am

thank you
Kimberly
Frisco, TX
2 HG Pregnancies
Daughter 2000
Son 2002

HG began at 6-8 wks; Zofran from 12 wks until around 25-26 wks. Despite HG, I loved the miracle of birth.
kmwilson
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me too

Postby IslandDreamer » Jul 15, 2004 2:31 pm

Hi Ann Marie,

I'm with you. I can't deal again. . .the second time was a surprise as I'd never try intentionally because of the HG and PPD. I, too, feel guilty, especially when my son cries about being "one."
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