Hyperemesis Gravidarum Support and Research Forums

I have a history of depression and now that i am pg and have hg it have returned. I'm always yelling at my b/f and i feel like i hate him and don't want him around me. Some days i wake up and get upset that i am still alive or even that the baby is still alive. The other day the doctor was looking for the heart beat and at first he couldn't find it and i kind of felt hope that he wouldn't find it. I know that sounds horrible and i feel horrible to have thoes thoughts. I don't know what to do. Should i call my doctor and make an appt. to talk with him or just fight it. I'm afraid to say anything to anyone because i don't want them to say i am going to be a unfit mother. I'm afraid that maybe i well be an unfit mother. I am very afriad of ppd. I feel so lost and alone. If anyone has advice please write to me.


Hollie
due july 22

Hollie- I'm sorry things are so bad for you. But I can relate to how you felt when you were having your u/s done. I don't suffer from depression normally, so can only imagine how bad things must be for you. Whenever I had an u/s I usually didn't even pay much attention to the screen (all the pressure from the test made me very nauseaus) I'm sure the u/s tech thought I was a horrible person. When I had my last u/s the dr told me he couldn't find the heartbeat, i wasn't as upset as I thought i would be. Then he said he was sorry and he knew how much I wanted this baby.
And all I could think was, you don't know anything about me. But once I got home and called my dh, that's when I really realized what had happened and I felt horrible for having all those thoughts earlier. But I've realized that it was the hg making me feel that way, and not how i truly felt in my heart. I've never told anyone I ever thought those things either. But trust me when i say, that like the hg, those thought and feelings will pass as you begin to feel normal again. I know that it seems like forever from now, but you'll have a beautiful little baby in your arms and the hg will be in the past.
There are many women here that do suffer from depression and take meds for it so maybe one of them will have better advice, but for now just hang in there and know that everyone here, is here to help.

Hollie,

I have suffered from anxiety/depression for most of my adult life. I can tell you that you do not have to feel this way. Tell your doctor how you feel and they can give you something!! You are not going to be deemed an unfit mother, especially since you recognize that you are feeling depressed.

Pregnancy is a long hard journey with HG, and would depress anyone. Those of us with a tendency to already have depression tend to suffer worse during HG. Think of it this way... I'm almost positive that most cancer patients who are undergoing chemo and are nauseated and vomitting all of the time wish for death and are extremely depressed.

HG is no different. HG is the disease, the pregnancy is not. It may be good for you to start an antidepressant now, as it may help ward off postpartum depression after the baby.

Take Care!!!

Hollie,

I am so sorry that you are going through this depression and HG as well. I know how awful you are feeling and the guilt you feel on top of it. The feelings you express don't make you a terrible person or even an unfit mother. Many of the ladies here, myself included, have expressed the same thoughts and feelings you describe. HG is very debilitating, not just for our bodies but our minds as well. It is very difficult to not feel depressed. I am struggling with some depression of my own right now and I am not normally disposed towards this. I think that the advice to talk to your DR and find out about meds safe during pg is excellent. I know many of the women here have mentioned that meds taken during pg seem to have really lessened or even helped them to avoid ppd. I hope that you get the help that you need and deserve to have. You're not a bad person. You have a bad disease.

Best thoughts for you.

What you're going through is totally understandable and a lot of us have felt that way! I spent many weeks wishing for a miscarriage, and this was a planned baby, and I expected the hg so it wasn't a surprise. It just that hg sucks so much that it is impossible not to wish for it to go away. I'm through the worst of it now and want the baby very much, but I refuse to beat myself up for having those feelings before, and you shouldn't do it either--I think it is a perfectly natural reaction. When your baby comes out you will love him/her like crazy, and that is what counts.
I have also taken meds during pregnancy (and not during it too) for depression, and it sounds like you should be getting some help. My first baby was a zoloft baby from week 12, and he is more than fine! This time I haven't needed it yet, but my doc actually said I could stay on it the whole time if I wanted, and felt it was very safe. Do whatever you need to to relieve your suffering--there are safe treatments.
Good luck,
Jane

(((Hollie)))

Another depressed mom here in Michigan. I have had perinatal depression, which seems to be what you are describing, as well as postpartum depression. Ugh. None of it is much fun. I'm currently taking Prozac for my ppd.

I agree with the other women that you need to speak with your physician. Massachusetts General Hospital's Center for Women's Mental Health has info and research on meds during pregnancy: www.womensmentalhealth.org/ that might be useful. And postpartum.net has deep resources for ppd and perinatal depression.

Let me (or someone else) know if you are too sick to research the meds your doctor is recommending. I can forward articles and links for you to review. Also, a pharmacist is always a good resource when you are concerned. Ultimately, what is best for you is best for the baby.

And hoping for the hg to be over any way it can be is so understandable. Many of us have thought and said the same thing.

One more thing, (and do remember this is coming from another mom with a history of depression, not a doctor) with your own history of depression, do try to avoid Reglan. Most doctors don't advise patients about the connection, but a few of us on these boards have learned the hard way that depression and Reglan are an ugly combination.

We are here to support and encourage you. Let us know how you're doing.

Suzanne