Suddenly Single...

[Gracie]

I feel like I am about to melt into a pool of tears on the floor. Things have not been great with my dh and everything seems to have blown up this past week. (Likely why my vomiting is up, my fluid intake is 250ml a day and I started having contractions because of the dehydration).

DH seems to feel that I am selfish because I can't have sex (we did 2 weeks ago for the first time in about 3 months, then the contractions started), still can't tolerate smells and feeling confined (so lots of hugging and cuddling are difficult), won't go away for the weekend with him (2 hrs in the car each way...). "I just don't understand his needs". He's gone, leaving a trail of "If we don't go back to having sex three times a week its over" and "I don't want any more children with you, so you had better get used to being alone" and "You are not the right woman for me" and "After the baby is born and you are back to normal, maybe I'll come back" in his wake.

I am so sick of being wrong no matter what I do... if I am in bed most of the day (because of contractions or vomiting), I am lazy and selfish; if I am having a better day and get up for 10 minutes to go get the mail or just see the sunshine (not just permitted, but also recommended by the doctor, I am only on partial rest) he yells that I am selfish and not thinking of the baby, "If anything happens to the baby because of you getting up and walking around....". He's mad about the medications (especially the Zofran...despite all the reassurances, literature and calls to Motherisk) so if it suits him, I am a horrible mother for taking them and yet the 2 days we tried without the Zofran, I was horrible and selfish and harming the baby (according to dh) because of the vomiting...

I am at the end of my rope right now having slept only 1-2 hrs at a time for a total of about 4 hrs a night over the past week. Obviously the crying and my mood aren't helping the HG which has ony been barely under control with full meds and rest and when I am not stressed.

Anyone out there been in a similar situation?

Gracie

[BrandiJK]

((((((((((((((((((Gracie)))))))))))))))))))) I am so sorry!!! What a horrendous amount of stress to place on top of HG and contractions.

First off, before I go any further, please contact your doc and let him know there are added emotional issues. I am worried these will impact your contractions. You may need something to help you through this.

Ok, did he actually leave, or is he just threatening you that he will? Secondly, I acknowledge I am speaking out of anger, but perhaps it's better if he has. I mean, the added stress and blame that is heeping upon you is just not good in any way or form!

During the worst of my HG, my husband was not around. He was out, with his friends, at a bar. Saying he was at work, except he'd return home very late and very drunk. And often very mean. He was also angery that we did not have sex, and even more angry that I could not touch him. He was mad the house wasn't cleaned and the kids were crazy and I didn't cook, and wouldn't eat, and took meds. And I had to get outside help, or else I have no idea how I would have kept going.

We were able to work it out in the end, and things picked up for us. Though I admit, everytime I start to get sick I panic that he'll run away again. And I am pretty scared I'll end up with a major illness later on down the road and he'll blame me for it.

So I understand some of what you are going through.


I am just so sorry. I could say a million and one things about the way your husband is treating you, but I'll be good and bite my tounge. I will say it is a form of abuse and control.

(((((((((((((Gracie)))))))))))) Contact me any time you need, and be sure to talk to your doc. Do you have any other help available to you?

[Gracie]

Thanks Brandi... ((((hugs))) for what you have gone through too. Yes, I had to call my doctor, specifically because I was worried about the contractions. You're right, when I cry or feel stressed, I can really feel them starting again. I tried explaining the impact of this stress to hubbie, who's only response was then it is up to me to be reasonable, stop being selfish and meet his needs...

Yes, he is really and truly gone. Not in the house, not even close by. Won't answer my calls and his only e-mail was that I just don't understand or meet his needs and that was it.

Trust me, I don't want to start saying horrible things about "men" in general, because I know some truly terrific ones... but when I point out friends who have supported wives/girlfriends through illnesses and hard times without demanding that their needs be met, dh replies that "They aren't real men". Okay, then I guess I don't want a "real man" if this is the treatment it gets me. When I tried to get him to come to the doctors with me so that a professional can explain that this in not just me being irrational, self-centered, etc... he refused.

I am normally super-strong, independant, energetic... so it was very hard for me to even ask for help to begin with, then to have it denied and thrown back in my face was a major blow.

Honestly, no, I don't have much other help available. Right now, I'm just going to concentrate on resting and napping for the next few days, watching TV, a few warm baths if I can tolerate it (I usually vasodilate, my bp drops a bit, I get dizzy and start vomiting... hopefully if it is not too hot and not too long a bath will go better).

You're right... I worry too now that if I were to get sick at some point, he really wouldn't be there for me. I also worry that if the baby is born prematurely or sick; I'm sure he won't be back for that. So, once rested and hydrated, I am going to have to work on building a better external support system.

Thanks,

Gracie

[HelenA]

Ya know, I have typed and read, then retyped and read my reply so many times and nothing sounded right, but I'll try again. I don't want to upset you after everything you have been through, but this guy has really got to me. He is so selfish! I honestly believe you are better off without him. What kind of person only thinks of themselves when their wife is going through such a tough time. I wonder whether he would feel like sex when he's ill? And he MIGHT come back when the baby is here? WHAT??? Does he think he would deserve to be there? The only person being selfish here darlin is him. You need to meet your OWN needs before his. If he cannot understand that then he doesn't deserve you. You have gone through what you have so far to give him a child, and he just does not get it.

My ex was the same kind of guy, which is why I guess I am so riled up because I know had I have gotten pregnant by him and had HG he would have been exactly the same. One time I had sickness and diarreah (48 hr bug) and I coughed and had an accident on the bed, and he called me a dirty b*tch and told me I'd best get up and change the sheets. Imagine what he'd have been like with my last HG pregnancy when I could barely make it to the bathroom. Anyway, I digress there, I guess what I am trying to say is you are a wonderful woman, and doin something so wonderful (going thru HG for a baby) and I truly don't believe he deserves someone as special as you.

I'm really not trying to upset you, believe me, I am only thinking of you. You deserve someone so much better, that cares about your needs and wants and not just their own. I know it's going to be tough going through this alone, but would it not be worse if he were there griping all the time?

Anyway I am keeping you in my prayers and wishing you only the best.

Helen

[BrandiJK]

((((((((((((Gracie)))))))))) I am just so sorry. I can't believe you now have to go through this as well. Please remember we are here for you!

[Mom to Aidan & Daniel]

Oh my goodness!! You poor dear!! First of all, you must get that dehydration under control! 250 ml is not enough, and is downright dangerous!!
Your husband..man, I'm in shock! Has he talked to other hg dads? Have him pm me if hes at all willing, and I can get him in touch with my husband, who handled all of the things he's coping poorly with in a much better way.

BIG hugs

Sarah

[Gracie]

I ended up at the hospital 2 nights ago for bleeding and contractions 2 mins apart. Fortunately, all is well now but I am on full bed-rest with bathroom privileges and I am allowed to move from my bedroom to the livingroom sofa and back again (or as I call them, home and the vacation home!).

During that very scary event, I called DH to meet me at the hospital because despite everything, I felt that if I was going to deliver at 22w 4dys, obviously the baby would not survive and his father deserved the chance to be there to see him... no matter how unhappy the event.

Well, the experience basically reaffirmed that for the moment I am actually better off WITHOUT him until we get things straightened out and that it will take MEGA counselling to get him and our relationship on track. He did admit to being scared, and I tried to point out that throwing tantrums and being nasty because he is feeling miserable and wants everyone to feel the same is not helping the safety of this pregnancy... I think he got the point but it is a tough cycle to break without professional help.

The contractions stopped with IV fluids and the peri suspects it was the dehydration and stress... and likely just bleeding from a small vessel or flap at the edge of the placenta. Everything looks clear now, but it basically reaffirms the dangers of dehydration in pregnancy.

I am in better spirits, the little one was cooperative enough spend the entire 24 hrs awake and kicking me and doing gymnastics to reassure his mama that he was feeling fine. The nurses actually got quite a chuckle out of the activity and told me to find some good running shoes for when this one is born; everytime they would palpate my belly, he would kick them back.

So, with the laptop in bed, I'll be hanging out with you all for a while yet.

Thanks for all the support.

[Atsie]

Gracie,
I am so glad the little one is still in his womb and not coming out anytime soon! How exiciting, a vacation home! Does it come with a pool boy??????
I hope the hydration and rest keep the contractions at bay!

[Gracie]

Thanks Erin... I laughed so hard at the pool boy comment I peed If I start having dreams of pool boys and my belly painted up like a beach ball, I will be sure to let you know!

No, sorry the vacation home has a lovely view of the television! I do enjoy sunning myself there as it is quaintly situated in a large bay window that has full afternoon sun.

[Mom to Aidan & Daniel]

What a scare, but good that things are ok now. I was so worried about your low fluid intake, so it's good that it is being handled!
So glad the little guy's bouncing around in there My guy did that too, and he's incredibly healthy and strong.

Hugs

Sarah

[Gracie]

Thanks for the hugs and support... each of my pregnancies seems to have new and interesting challenges! I would rather be losing sleep because the little guys is kicking and stretching so much than be losing sleep worrying that something is wrong if he wasn't so active... I'm sure we all feel that way.

My fluids are up to a litre a day. Today my goal is 1500ml and by Sunday I want to be getting my full 2000ml.

[Proudmama]

Gracie,
I am sorry that I did not read this post sooner. I am so very glad that your little one is doing well. You relax and take care of yourself. I really hate to hear about your husband treating you badly. I was wondering if part of him was just scared. There is no sense in acting that way. My DH gets very grouchy when he is scared but he has never left me to take care of myself during HG with no other help. If you ever need to talk, please just PM me.

Jamie

[BrandiJK]

wow, what a scare! Glad things are ok, but still...thats so much to take on all on your own!!

I have been thinking about you. Please remember to keep coming here for support.

[Gracie]

I really do want things to work out with DH. It is unlike him to turn into a real schmuck like he has, but this is his first child (my second husband... the other pregs were with my 1st) and in a way I can understand him feeling a scared and helpless / not able to control what is happening or some of the decisions I make with my doctor (meds, dosages, when to be admitted, etc...).

The key is to make him realise that his behavior isn't helping and is actually adding stress to me and making things worse at times. Hopefully we can find a good counsellor once I am off bed rest (doc says I'll be on it for at least 10 wks); if he wants to go before by himself I think it would be great too.

In the meantime, I am enjoying the time relaxing, reading, and spending time on-line. Along with this thread, the Stories of Humor and 2nd Tri boards have been keeping me sane...

[Kadinga]

Gracie,

I've been following this thread, but too absolutely angry about the treatment you have received from a man who has sworn to love you in sickness as well as in health to post anything constructive for you. Sorry about that.

I just want to say now that you are showing a truly golden heart, continuing to look forward with this man after all that you are having to go through without his support. You are an amazing woman.

Thinking of you

Amanda

[Gracie]

Every day I wonder if I am being really understanding towards dh or if I am just being naive... I guess time will tell! Part of the internal conflict is that I am so much NOT feeling like my usual logical, independant self that I don't want to make any big relationship decisions until I am feeling moderately better.

Oh well, my c-section is at 37/38 weeks so only 14 weeks left! (Not that I am expecting the baby to be out and all my emotions and appetite to be 100% back to normal but I see it as a starting point).

Thanks everyone!

[Mom to Aidan & Daniel]

It sounds like maybe DH is a basically good guy (can you tell I'm a bit sceptical, and very angry at him still ). Yes, some help and support for him would be good. I do believe that people can grow, but they have to work on it and be committed to it in a mature and real way. If you'd like, PM me and I can give you my husband's email address for them to correspond. My hubby went through hg with me, and was able to handle it in a much more relaxed and supportive way. Perhaps he can be helpful to your dh?

Hugs
Sarah