How is everyone doing?

[IslandDreamer]

Hi,

I'm still doing well but not having one of my better days....blah work is stressing me out more than it should. I thinking I'm ovulating or something .

How are you?

[AmberWest]

Post-partum update

Hello there. After a call from my mother who asked… “And how are you doing these days?â€Â

[Gracie]

I don't know if it was just being fed-up, or if it was because the week the forums were down was a really bad HG and bedrest week for me or if it was February blues and missing the comraderie and everyone on the forums but I really felt some severe PPD symptoms coming on all week. I just wanted to crawl into a hole and stay there with my big box of tissues and cry my heart out until this baby comes....

I am hoping a change in weather and the forums being back and my cervix being closed again this week will cheer me up and it would have just been a transient thing.

How is everyone else?

[Erinf]

I'm not doing so good..

I know each person is different, but how long until I feel like me again, I'm getting impatient? I have suffered with PPD/PTSD/OCD and a host of physical problems since my son was born 5 mos. ago. I have been to numerous docs and they can't find anything seriously wrong with me, even though I physically feel terrible.

Emotionally, I'm a wreck. I think about HG all the time. I should be grateful my son is healthy and that I'm recovering, but instead I find myself in a state of panic 24/7. I am seeing a therapist and am taking antidepressants which have helped a little.

My biggest problem is that I feel physically bad (still dizzy, shaky, weird feeling throughout my body, chronic UTIs, pain in my clavicle, balance off, numbness in hands) which sets off my anxiety big time. I guess before HG, I could rationalize my physical symptoms and say Oh, that's nothing, I'll be fine. But when HG hit I wasn't fine, I was very sick and that scared me more than anything ever has in my life. Now, I don't trust the docs, my family or even myself. Everytime something hurts I think emergency room, needle sticks, short stay unit, pain, sleeping pills, loneliness etc. I have had loads of tests and they keep telling me it's just shock, your body is in shock from the horrible pregnancy. My new internist who I like has mentioned re-feeding syndrome. My ob/gyn thinks I should try yoga or acupuncture. How long will this last? I have already given a year and about 2 weeks to HG.

~Erin

[Gracie]

Oh Erin (((hugs)))... I don't know what to tell you... but my thoughts and prayers are certainly with you and I hope you find some relief soon.

[Mom to Aidan & Daniel]

I'm very down. I feel bad feeling some resentment at the demands of motherhood, and have some crazy thinking and fears clunkering around in my brain. I wish I was still on cloud nine like I was at Aidan's birth, and feel bad for not being more "happy." I love my boy, and love my hubby, but I wish my little guy would tell me what I can do to help him, and that hubby was more available!! ARGH!
And my mom is a help, but showers me with so much advice and her worries that it can be a bit much. Money's tight, we don't know whether to stay in Oslo or move back to the USA, and I've got a breast and yeast infection. I'm stuck indoors a lot cuz the weather's so bad and we live up a snowed-in mountain and have no car, and I'm zonked beyond reason.

Sarah

[Jenny]

I am beginning the angry part of the journey which is not like me at all. I am not sure if it is because of grief, or the ppd or what, but I am in general just freaking pissed off and waiting for anyone stupid enough to give me a reason to threaten them. Today it was my dad, yesterday dh, tomorrow who knows.

We went to an adoption inquiry meeting today. I am only about one month off Zoloft and still feeling a bit uneasy, like relearning to walk. My dad's comment on us going to an adoption meeting... he says I am too old and should quit trying to conceive and not adopt and remember that if I do get a kid, they will be around for eighteen years and I am cruel for wanting to give a kid such an old Mom.

I think I have done well by my kids and I think that being old is a heck of a lot better than what those kids needing to be adopted have been given so far!!! At least let's see, I am not on METH!!! or hey, I don't punch my kids!! urgh. OLD!!! Is that the new form of abuse??? Well, sorry Dad you aren't all so freakin perfect yourself. Do you remembering hitting me in the head every freaking day when I was a kid? Sure you were young, but you sucked!!!

I didn't say any of that to him, but it is all right there waiting to be screamed out if he brings it up again. I hope I can hold my tongue. I am one of the best Moms I know. I am only 37, not 107!!!

Some stupid lady in my town (Redding CA) had a baby this week and she is 62!!! Now that is old!!!! I am tired of hearing about it so could the news tell us something of interest???


So ya, angry.

[mrsbigdog]

Amber,

I totally can relate with you about being frantic wanting to get everything done.

About 5 days after Emily was born I woke up with my brain suddenly working clearly. I don't know if it was the HG, the drugs or just the pregnancy but I suddenly could think clearly for the first time in ages and had plenty of energy.

I cleaned our 75 gal fish tank which was getting disgusting after so long with little care. Everywhere I look I see more things that need to be done but am slowing make a dent in them.

I'm running after my two older girls, caring for baby, grocery shopping, cleaning and cooking and baking up a storm. In addition, ever since she was a week old, Emily and I have been going into work with my husband for 3 to 4 half days a week to help with marketing and filing he needs done since I lost my job during the pregnancy. Of course I'm not getting paid but it is helping him earn more. His boss is getting worried that I'm pushing myself too hard but is fine with us bringing the baby since she mostly sleeps.

I'm tired from sleep shortage but otherwise have tons of energy, lots to do and just not quite enough hours in the day to do everything. I was depressed for about 2 days shortly after she was born but now am doing ok.

Hope everyone else is doing well...I missed seeing updates...Donna

[Gracie]

Oh ((((hugs)))) to you all! I really wish that no one was having it this rough.

Hang in there everyone. The sun is shining here today for the first time in ???? so I am sending a little sunshine to everyone!

[IslandDreamer]

Hi Friends,

Glad to see we can all post again, but yuck on feeling, well, yucky.

Some quick things to remember:
-even fluffies have some crying and anxiety postpartum.
-even fluffies feel ambivalent at times.
-SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP...if you need a sleep aid, get one. BUT SLEEP in the early postpartum days...well, in the later ones too. Our bodies have a lot to heal from, not just pg and delivery.

-Jenny, grief is hard work, and I know I shared how frickering pissed I was. Just ask around...I think Gail heard a few ears full. But I had also developed and was being treated for PPD. Watch the symptoms. And remember that we all love you.

- thoughts of self harm or harming other or panic attacks are never normal and need immediate treatment.

Back later.

Love to you all.

[BrandiJK]

I am sorry to hear people are down. Amber, I know that manic feeling, but with your anxioty issues I would keep a check on it. Gracie, you have so much happening, I hope that having your cervix closed and being able to move about a bit helps out. Sarah, you sound so isolated!! I am sorry, wish I was nearer to keep you company. I remember being car-less and not near any one with a new baby, it was miserable. Erin, it does sound like you are having a hard time. I am glad you are geting help. Donna, you sound like me after I have a baby, though this time I am scared out of my mind because I have no idea how I will keep up with it all. I know Dh isn't going to be much help, he's gotten pretty selfish over the past year.
Jenny, I don't know what to say besides passing along a hug ((((((((Jenny))))))))) and I wish I had a punching bag you could borrow. I heard about that woman, I didn't realize it was right in Redding!

I am doing ok. It is apparent I will go over due, again, and I got my hopes up, again. That pretty much blows. But it will be over not too much longer now. I am scared out of my mind though. This past few weeks Dh has been prepping for his realestate exam, and so I have been pretty much on my own. Me, being who I am with him, pretty much put my needs aside and became his care taker and did everything not to pressure him or put any added burden on him. His test was yesterday, and now it's done, only waiting for the score to come in and hope he passed this time round. But now it's back to me having to 'nag' to get anything done. Last night I was up all night with RLS. Did he get up this morning and help get the kids ready? Nope, not until I pressured him. I suspect he'll be little help when Hailey is born. I have my mom coming to stay during my recovery time, so at least I know the older kids will get off to school and have time to play at the park every day. Right now though, I am just moving through my day, in pain, contracting, and uncomfortable. And everytime I turn around, he is joking about puttin ghim out of his misery. And he seems pretty freakin' cluless to me, so selfish. I feel very unnoticed and unappreciated.
I also had a sad anniversary this weekend, and he didn't even know. He was away at an intensive school, and I know he has a lot on his mind, but I was home alone with a child and a great deal of saddness. That's probably why I feel so unnoticed now. It's hard to be hormonal, emotional, and overwhelmed, as I am sure you all know.

Anywho, I am making it through and what will be will be. I can't complain over much, just dealing isn't always as easy as I could wish it to be.

[Kadinga]

Oh ((((((HUGS)))))) to everyone.

To the first-time-mums Amber and Sarah, I just want to say that I remember sitting in our lounge room looking at all the birth cards congratulating us and wondering why they were all so pleased for me. I got past that eventually, but it is really hard to calm down and focus on doing what you can in the moment you're in the middle of, especially if you have people/circumstances around you adding to the burden.

Brandi, Donna, Jenny, Suzanne and Gracie, I'm so sorry that you all have so much to deal with and so many people not helping.

Last Thursday my mother rang to say she was prioritising helping my fluffy sil until such time as her baby chose to arrive over her previously arranged commitment to help me while DH is too busy this week with shearing. She had these incredibly complicated solutions all worked out, but the end result was that I was going to end up feeling more isolated, with less support, and in her house instead of ours. It threw me into a spin that had me back to getting up at 4:30am just for a vomit. DH was (is) very angry with her, and he scratched up support for me to be able to stay at home. All this has meant that I've been swinging between borderline hysteria and a very strange calm.

Meanwhile a good friend (severe HG and PPD girl) was out here on Saturday and expressed her concerns that she'd never seen me so down as I have appeared recently. This was something of a reality check, as DH and I both thought I'd been pretty good when I was in her company. At her suggestion I rang my Maternal & Child Health Nurse who will be visiting me after the baby is born and assessing me for PPD as well as monitoring the baby. She has suggested that I at least talk to a counseller (they have a free one) before the baby is born, as she agrees with my friend that my moods now put me at risk post-partum. I haven't decided what I'll do yet.

So that's me.

Amanda

[meg]

I just wanted to offer a little encouragement...

Moira Grace, my youngest, turned 10 months on Wednesday and I can say that things are really good. Sometimes difficult (I DO have 3 darling children and a darling husband after all ), but really good.

I have PPD, still on meds and in therapy, but really enjoying life and my kids at this point. I had some dark, dark days... I spent a lot of the summer, unwashed in my pajamas, farming Anabel and Patrick out to whomever would take them and barely managing to feed and care for Moira Grace. I never had feelings of wanting to hurt the baby or myself, but I would have happily gone to sleep and never woken up. I felt maternal towards MG, but I felt almost helpless to take care of her. I loved her, but I couldn't really feel that love. (I don't know if that all makes sense, but if you have PPD, you probably can relate.)

I was in therapy during the pregnancy as my peri felt I was at a high risk for PPD and continued therapy post partum. I didn't really see any improvement until the end of July when I began meds. I was (and still am) bfing and I was so worried about the effects on MG, especially after all the guilt of a drugged up pregnancy. Fortunately, our peditrician - a great guy - convinced me that Lexapro was safe and if for some reason MG couldn't tolerate it, weaning her to formula was better for her than a depressed mommy.

So hang in there. Don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it - help with the baby, help with older kids, help dealing with your feelings, help dealing with the house, whatever. Don't be ashamed to seek medication if you require it. And know, that like HG, baby blues and even PPD can be resolved and life can be really good again.

((((Hugs)))),

[Trudy]

((((((Huge Hugs to everyone))))))
I don't know which is harder... an hg pregnancy or the pp period. But experience tells me it does get better.

I've had a real dose of the baby blues. It really hit me the day we came home from the hospital. It's been like a grieving process for me. Dh is now back at work so I'm on my own. Beth is spending the weekend at her grandparents and I miss her a lot. I discovered today that my c-section incision was all red and had a hole in it so I've been put on antibiotics. I'm sleep deprived, Adam is having that 1st growth spurt/feeding frenzy, I'm supposed to be dry but my breast keep leaking.

I'm also freaking out that our job ends at the end of May and we still haven't got another farm/house lined up (the house comes with the job) and nothing seems to be available in this area and we really don't want to move to another town. I wonder how in 3 months I'm supposed to recover from an hg pregnancy and c-section, care for a newborn and toddler, find another farm and house, Dh wants to go sharemilking which means setting up a business and having no income for 4 months with a ton of bills to pay, employing staff and packing up this house.

I know we'll get there, its just very scary!

[SkunkPaw]

I like most on her am experiencing PPD. It hit real hard last I stayed up crying until 6 AM. I know what triggered it to. My dr is sending me to a rheumy dr cause my blood test show that I have lupus or something similar and that is what is causing all my headaches and other things that I am experiencing. I will spare you the details - you have better things to do. I am just sad to say that I am in the depressed boat. I can't sleep and I have been worrying about everything ... like amber about the house work, but I can't seem to get moviated to do any! I sit here and have aniexty attacks about doing house work but am so freaking fatigue that I can't lift a finger without getting dizzy due to the migraines, meds, or lack of sleep. OH yah my bp is high too so I am still on meds for that.

:sigh:

[caleighbelle47]

I'm pissed/depressed. I've been on the edge of falling apart since before John was born. Barely been holding it together since, but I was managing. And then this whole thing with John being taken away was just far more than I can handle and I've completely fallen apart. I honestly don't know how I'm ever going to recover it feels so bad. I should really be on meds but I just don't have a doctor I can trust and I just can't go in and ask for meds from my current doc. I tried and can't do it. I even made an appointment a couple months ago but then freaked out at the last minute and canceled.

Which brings about the pissed part of my depression. When I see other people happy or laughing I just get mad. And I'm mad at my self for feeling this way. I'm pissed at the doctors for ruining it, I was doing so good at handling this. I felt like I finally had things under control and was finally accepting things and they messed it all up.

oh and then there's the insomnia, I thought it was just a pregnancy symptom and when John was born it'd be gone. No such luck, I haven't been able to fall asleep without tylenol PM in months. Please tell me I'm not the only one.

[nomore]

So, I will admit that post partum has been a lot harder this time around than with Madison. I am however doing good on the overall.

Katie has been a VERY challenging baby. Health issues.... collicky (which is really allegy and reflux issues).... crying for hours and hours at a clip. And of course there is Madison who still wants Mommy.....

not to mention, sleep..... does ANYONE know what that is

Im on this crazy diet where I cant eat the following: anything with dairy, soy, wheat, corn and Im supposed to avoid sugar. We have Katie on 2 reflux meds now - pepcid and something similar to reglen (to help her stomach empty out). She IS doing better.... but is still so very very needy...

Of course, she is a preemie.... and even more demanding than a full term baby.

Several thoughts have passed through my head... but many of the WHY did I ever try so hard to have her? But, those thoughts have mostly passed, as she isnt screaming all day anymore..... (which is about enough to make you want to jump off a cliff at times).

I also hired a Mothers helper 2 afternoons a week for Madison. That alone took some of the stress off me.

Defeintly had MUCH more tears post pregnancy this time.... anxiety... but, its defiently getting better. I even feel better physically this time.... which I was worried about, since I was on so much bed rest.

And, the only other thing I have going on is I ended up in the ER last week due to major stomach pains.... and sorry if TMI, diarea where none of my food was digested (pooping chewed up food.... Sorry so gross). After a catscan, they told me nothing was wrong, a virus.... but thats the 2nd time in 2 weeks it happened (and NO ONE else in my family had the same virus.... strange no????). My gut tells me its something to do with my gastritis.... and of course I had a melt down worrying what ELSE Hg did to my poor body. So, I scheduled a physical (which wont be till May.... next available, can you beleive????), and hopefully I can get all checked out.

And, my baby in heaven has been constantly on my mind lately. Ive seen a few babies that were born around when my due date was, and I keep thinking, I shouldnt have an 8 week old..... I should have an 8 month old.

My woes are nothing comapared to most of yours... but Id thought Id just share. (((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))) to all you ladies. One day at a time ......

[rjdecker]

I have had ongoing PPD since little Amy was born 4 1/2 years ago. I think it just was getting pg so many times I never really had the time to heal. But how you described how you feel about the baby, Meg, hit it right on the head! I have been trying to voice that for the longest time and just didn't know how to do it. I remember telling dh I didn't feel like I had anything to live for. And he would point to Amy, just a baby then, and say "What about her?" that hurt so much because she is mine and I should want to live for my children, but at that point, I was so low.

I have done much better this time around, I think because my doc has been right on top of things. I am so thankful for a good doc. They are rare. I have had some struggles, even when I thought I was doing okay, something happened this weekend (which isn't a real big deal now), but it made me cry all weekend. Dh said he thought I was doing better, so did I. But I am okay now. Still frustrated and not really extending myself to call this lady who crackered me to see how she is doing, because that is all I get whenever I talk with her. I have kept a low profile with my own problems around her and tried to be supportive of her with her pg and stuff. I so wanted to be a good friend. And then she said one last thing and it all came to the surface. So, I am keeping my distance, at least for a while, because everytime I think of it, I get upset. And it isn't that bad, either! (She kind of ruined my weekend big time, as we got new couches and I was so excited to have some decent furniture! Spoil sport!)

Okay, this is weird, but wanted to see if anyone else has this problem. Whenever I go to the store or somewhere without my kids, I leave them with dh because I need to get away from all the screaming and crying and stuff. I find often if I am in the store and someone has a screaming child, I have to get away quickly, unless I can tell they are trying to do something to help the kid. Is that crazy? This one kid was at the store and just screaming for something he wanted and his mom gave it to him and he kept screaming over everything. I was so upset, I had to leave. I could feel the anxiety coming on. When I hear other kids doing that, it upsets me. Is this weird or what? It doesn't bother me when I am at work. Which is where there are a lot of kids, but they are crying for different reasons, too. It must be the sound of the cry.

Jenny

[meg]

Jenny,

I'm glad that you understood what I was trying to say. It feels so safe to share those terrible feelings in this place. These forums are such a gift. I am so sorry that we all have/had to suffer but I am so happy that we can support one another through it.

I think that getting to a point of feeling no guilt, just sadness for what I did and did not feel during and after this last pregnancy has really marked a place of real healing for me. I hope that all of you ladies find that place in your own life.

Hugs,

[Kadinga]

Robin,

I had that poopy problem before I ever had HG. I had every test under the sun (VERY unpleasant) and the best that the docs could come up with was Irritable Bowel Syndrome, which is short for "we have no idea". It seemed to be always worse when I was under stress, which would certainly apply to you right now. It was nothing for me to loose 5kg (11pounds) in a week when this was going on, and I wasn't carrying any weight to spare at the time. I wish I had more constructive advice, but the best I can say is that foods like steamed rice (if that is allowed) which slow down your system help. Good luck

Amanda