A little advise?

[BrandiJK]

So, I have come to the realization I will need help after Hailey is born. I'll watch for PPD, but mostly I feel like everyone abandoned me during this pregnancy. I don't know how to get over that. It seems like no one even notices, and I fully expect no help in the future. I have so much saddness over it, but in all honesty, what I truely have is rage. Red-and-white-hot-rage. There are times it just fully consumes me, like a river of lava, scorching through me. Sounds dramatic, I know, but there it is. It hits me and I get so mad I shake, and I feel like I want to reach out and wound these people back.

So...when I seek help (yup, I'd say I need it LOL) to find some kind of trust in the world and in my family and community again...how do I go about it? I know it is directly related to the fact that I now believe the only one I can depend on is me, and my girls. I don't want to be diagnosed for depression or bipolar or anything, I don't even want meds because this seems like something meds would disolve, not resolve...just someone to help me work the tools to get over this anger, if anything else.

That have a name? Or should I just walk up to a psychologist and say the above?

[IslandDreamer]

Stupid computer ate my reply. Trying again.

The abandonment is hard. You may need to give folks another chance. For me, I had an easier time getting support with Jack because everyone saw how much I freaked losing Hope and most everyone was stupid and probably felt guilty for leaving me so abandoned when my baby died. Have your friends got some guilt going? Use it, but not cruelly. Let them redeem themselves. Some friends will want to. Call those most likely to agree to help and support you and be very specific in your need.

Here's how I called folks before Jack was born...I'd asked for help throughout the summer and called in late November to followup and took notes in my planning notebook, which included names and numbers.

"Can I still count on you for a meal the first week? Which week days are best?"
"Does it still look like you can visit me the first week? Which days are best in a week?"
"Are you still able to do an overnight with Jack so I can sleep?"
"Will you pick Chris up MWF and at Kindergarten and bring him to your house to play?"

Be very specific so they don't wonder what you need, and very direct. I NEED this. Most folks will respond well...don't call stupid people who you know will be hurtful...only call those who you believe will try to be kind...even if they cannot help, you need them to be kind.

The week Jack was born, I called folks each day to set up the next day's visits. I wasn't sure if I'd want people around, so I confirmed the visits when I knew how I felt.

Do you have a faith community to lean on? A mommy group? Any HG sisters nearby?

How can I help you plan?

Lots of love,
Suzanne

[BrandiJK]

Thank you. I do have a spiritual community, well, thought I did anyway. It was really the realization that the majority of them were fair weather friends and nothing more that hurt the most. Other then a few, they have not been here for me at all, nor do they wish to be. The only reason I remain with them is because of my own private group within the whole. They (7 women) have been wonderful and loving and a true sisterhood for me.
The other few that have been supportive have given me frozen dinners, and my mom is coming to stay for a week after Hailey is born to take care of the older children and make sure they get good outside time.

The other let down if, of course, my husband. He's just not been there for me, and I dont think he's planning on being there for me. I can be as direct as possible, but I don't think it will do much.
He has said he is going to get help for himself, and perhaps that will help us out as a family if he truely does so.

Let me get out of this frame of mind, and I'll be seriously considering your advise. Thank you.

[IslandDreamer]

(((Brandi)))

Did I ever share how much damage PPD did to my marriage? Very bad. Then I got HG with Hope, then she died, then I got PPD. Somehow in all of that, dh came out of his toad-mode. Then I got hg with Jack and thought for sure all gains were lost...dh would abandon me emotionally, I had already abandoned the family physically. It was tough. But, as you know from previous pgs, you can pull your marriage through this.

None of this is fair. I'm PMing you as well.

Love,
Suzanne

[Gracie]

((((Brandi & Suzanne))))... thats about all I can say right now... my head is such a mess from being in a similar situation with dh and everyone around me.