My story (co-moderator)

[IslandDreamer]

My oldest living child was born in July 1999 after a difficult pregnancy with Hyperemesis Gravidarum and untreated perinatal depression. I had an acute onset of PPD three days after my ds's birth: panic attacks, ITs, insomnia, rage, depression, obsessing. It also became clear as years passed and I learned more that I had birth-related PTSD and grief responses along with the PPD. Terrible terrible scary time.

The treatment in 99 was weak at best, and most medical folks tried to talk me through the situation. That was not helpful. Nor did Prozac help as it had in what I considered three previous bouts of major depression. The insomnia eventually led to psychotic episodes, and it is unclear to this day whether I had severe depression with psychotic elements or full blown PostPartum Psychosis.

I never fully recovered from this case of PPD and never wanted to be pg ever again. Well, I did become pregant...three more times since. And I finally stepped out of denial about a miscarried baby in the summer of 1998. What I had thought was a case of major depression (even though I saw the gestational sac and knew exactly what happened, I denied) was in truth PPD after early loss.

When I became pg with in 2004, I was angry, upset, and sad. How could I do it...be pg with severe HG and severe perinatal depression. How could I let my ds see this nightmare? I felt like I was in a battle for my life, a primitive battle against my own child. I lost that baby at 10 weeks. I will never again be who I was. I miss her so much. I developed what I would call a more classic case of PPD and PTSD related to the HG and her death. Also, what happened when my body gave up that child (and a dream from God) revealed the other two children lost in miscarriage in 1998 and 2003.

In 2005, I learned I was pg again...very shocked to say the least. But I was different. I knew there were worse things than HG and even the horrid PPP. I could have all those things and no baby at the end. Resigned is the way to describe that pregnancy. Resigned to health for myself, to survival for my family, to God. My children in heaven gifted me with an internal strength and knowledge that things did not have to be the same. The HG and perinatal depression were well-managed, and I was prepared to fight the PPD as well. No more would I accept loss of my mental health as a necessary outcome to pregnancy.

I still have PPD and have rough days. But I have done so incredibly well this time: living and healthy son, no extreme onset or panic attacks, insomnia controlled. There have been two miracles at my house. My baby son and my mental health on track enough to be able to enjoy him.

There is Hope.

[Atsie]

Thank you for telling us your story. It helps to know that we aren't alone.
You are a very strong woman!

Erin

[IslandDreamer]

Thanks, Erin. You're so sweet.

[rjdecker]

Suzanne,

You are incredibly strong! I am so glad you are my friend and care enough about us to share your story with us. It helps lift me up, something I needed this morning.

Thank you,
Jenny