Could this be...

[Proudmama]

depression?

Lately, since I have been feeling so sick, I have felt helpless. DS keeps wanting his mommy to play with him and all I can do is sit around, spit and gag. I have no energy and want to cry. I am so tired of feeling this way. I keep asking myself why did I ever do this to myself? I watch other people laughing and enjoying life and there I am...so jealous. It is just not fair. I want to be excited. I want to have something to look forward to enjoying. I keep grasping at straws to remind myself that there is actually someone depending on me to eat and drink. I just want to give up and cower for the rest of this pregnancy. I eat and feel so sick. I ask myself, why even try to eat? DH is getting so annoyed at me with my spitting and lack of food consumption. I am not a wife or mother these days . Will life ever be normal again? Will I ever feel happy about life again? I am just so tired of being so sick. I feel like a total burden to everyone in my life. Lately, I even feel bad posting on the board. All I ever do is complain to you ladies. Everyone here has been so wonderful but I just feel so bad unloading on all of you when it is not your responsibility to make me feel better, let alone even read my posts .

Jamie

[Kadinga]

(((((((((Jamie)))))))))

If we can't rely on each other for some understanding, who can we rely on and what is this site for!?!?!?!?!

You will be okay and you will feel normal again. I have to confess I've even felt jealousy towards the ladies here who are past all of this vomitting, whether they're pregnant, new mothers or they've left all this way behind them. That's okay, that's normal. It comes back to the wanting to participate instead of being a "permanent" audience member. It's actually healthy that we still have some desire to feel normal, to be able to imagine a world existing where that might be possible, no matter how out of reach it seems right now. Meanwhile, we do what we can when we can and trust that our loved ones will be there to move on with us when that time comes.

You will be a wife and mother again. You will feel normal again, after you've traded the HG for the new baby game and moved on from there.

People keep reminding me that we will be so very very glad we did this. Look at Pamela with her three HG babies, and Jenny Decker with her six. Surely that couldn't have happened if normal never happened again? Surely we must, at some point, be able to stand our husbands touching us again if some ladies can end up back in this state over and over????

I know it's hard, and I know you're sick of it, and so you should be. It's really crappy, but it's not as permanent as it feels. It's really really not.

((((((((Hugs))))))))))

Amanda

[Proudmama]

Thanks Amanda, I think I actually smiled for the first time in quite a long while after reading your post . It is just so hard sometimes when yor are known as the strong one who always keeps everyone else boosted up and feeling good about themselves. To actually turn to others for help has been very difficult for me. I am such a strong willed person. I have a hard time leaning on anyone and feeling like such a burden. I am been feeling like this for some time, I just finally felt that I needed to let it out. Thanks again for such a quick reply. It is really nice to know that I am not alone in feeling this way.

Jamie

[IslandDreamer]

You can ALWAYS share with us. We WANT you to. If you recall, I was quite the unhappy pg gal and YOU helped me through it a LOT. I am grateful.

I'm really sorry you're feeling so sad. HG is so difficult and lonely. And normal does return. I know I've been crabbing about how slow my body is adapting, but please remember (Suzanne shivers as she types), I am 40. My body is just going to struggle more postpartum.

As Amanda says, it's awful being in the audience and wanting to be part of the cast of life. I truly feel like I am emerging from two years of hiding, which I guess I am. As present as I am on the boards, it has been a very isolating time in my life since I got HG with Hope. This is my first spring/summer since 2003, which is rather shocking to write. It's taken a while and a bit of courage to reemerge, but I AM coming through. You will too. I promise! We've been through a lot, and this is the one place we can *go* and know others will support us and not make us feel worse for the struggles, so write, share, lean on us. We're here!

We love you!

[Proudmama]

Suzanne,
Thank you so much for your kind words. This is the first (and most likely) only place that I am going to talk about how I am feeling now. I do not want to burden DH or my parents with my feelings. They are worried enough about me. I do not want to add to their stresses by telling them how lonely and isolated I am feeling. I am truly grateful to have you ladies to talk with and understand me. I know that I can come to this board and tell you all how I am feeling but I still feel bad for doing so. I really enjoy being upbeat and trying to help the other ladies that are currently struggling with HG in the first trimester. It actually makes me feel a bit better to share my story and thoughts with them. I just really feel guilty and almost "dishonest" for trying to inspire people here when I am feeling so low myself .

Thanks again,
Jamie

[IslandDreamer]

I can understand what you're saying. It's not fake to offer encouragement, even when you feel crappy. Encouragement is encouragement. We all need it.

[bibliojo]

((((Jaime))))

You responded to my post in the first tri folder so I don't need to tell you that I feel the same way! I'm struggling with being "a fake" too - I read some of the posts in the Prep for HG folder and I just can't reply because I don't have anything optimistic to say - it's awful because I'm the moderator in there!!

And so I'm not going to offer you any cheery words, but I will offer you my hand to hold and a listening ear to vent too, because I'm right there with you in this awful mess.

I'm planning on seeing a psychartrist for depression...maybe you could too? I could have saved myself a lot of grief with my son if I had just acknowledged earlier I had a problem and sought help then rather than later.

(((Jaime))))

Joanna

[Gracie]

((((Jamie)))) and ((((Joanna))))....

[BrandiJK]

My goodness, I think it *is* our job to listen and help your through this! (((((((hugs))))))))
Counceling would probably be a huge help, if you can get in to see someone. In the mean time, keep coming here and sharing. Post every day, every hour, if need be. Holding it will only compound it, and this is a safe place to just say it all.

[Kadinga]

Jamie, how are you doing today??


Amanda

[Proudmama]

Joanna, Gracie and Brandi,
Thank you all so much for your replies. It really does help to know that I can come here to talk and vent to you all. Sometimes, I forget how stubborn I can be and need to lean on others to get me through.

Amanda,
Thank you for checking on me today. I am doing ok today. I did manage to have a brief chat with DH regarding his attitude over the last few days. I told him that I did not think it was fair to be so snappy with me. He was very defensive for a few minutes and then softened up a bit. From the conversation I gathered he is just tired of seeing me so down and sick. He is not used to that with me. I am normally the bubbly one of the family. He told me short of forcing me to eat, he could do no more. I told him that physically, no he could not but emotionally, he could make a world of difference. I am not sure if I got through to him but has been a bit nicer to me after that chat.

When speaking with my mom yesterday, she gave me some much needed good news. She told me that if DH and I wanted her to come out at the beginning of May and stay until two weeks after the baby is born, she could . I was so very happy to hear this news. DH was also very relieved. My dad is being so sweet as well. He told my mom that he thought it was a great idea for her to come out here and help out with DS and me as well. My dad plans on driving out here when I go into labor to watch DS while my mom and DS are in the delivery room with me (Their drive is almost 7 hours from their house to where I live). My dad will then get to see his new grandchild as well as his wife (who has basically lived out here over the past few months ). My parents have been so understanding through this entire pregnancy.

Thanks again everyone,
Jamie

[Kadinga]

Jamie,

I'm so glad that you have had a consrtuctive discussion with your DH. That emotional support makes so much difference. Also, it's really good to hear that your parents are being so supportive, right through to "the end", which is of course really the new beginning. I hope that all this is helping you. (((((((((Hugs))))))))))))

Amanda

[Proudmama]

Thanks Amanda, I am very happy that my wonderful parents are helping out so very much. DH actually called his mom yesterday and asked if she was still willing to fly out to help with DS and I until my mom comes out in May, if I continue to be sick. MIL actually said yes and that she would stay for a month in necessary . I could not believe it. I was very happy to hear her being so very supportive as well. I feel somewhat better knowing that we have help if we need it. I guess it is true that you never really know how much people care until they are placed in a situation to show their concern.

Thanks again for your replies,
Jamie

[Mom to Aidan & Daniel]

Jamie, it's so true. The one "blessing" that hg can give is to bring out the best in our loved ones (um, let's not talk about the vice versa side of this )

I'm so glad you're getting support!

Hugs

Sarah