Getting son-in-law to help more

[Nana]

I am posting this in the family and friends forum even though I know it's not very active. I am hoping someone will see it and give advice. My daughter is suffering from HG (second pregnancy) and her husband is just not being very understanding at all. He wasn't the first time around either. He tends to be somewhat self centered and makes everything about him. She has a PICC line and a 2 1/2 year old son and needs his help but all he can seem to do when he's home is sit in front of the TV. She begs and begs for help and if he finally does agree to do something it's after a huge argument and lots of eye rolling and sighing on his part. Now, in his defense he has taken on a second job to make up for her lost salary but he's not working both jobs every day. In fact, he only worked the second job about 3 days last week I think. She's very limited on what she can do due to the PICC line and also due to just feeling horrible most of the time. She finally came and stayed at my house week before last so I could help with her 2 1/2 year old and he threw a big fit and acted like she was leaving him. We live 35 miles apart. He turned to all of his friends and family and gave them a sob story about how she chose to be with their son and her parents instead of staying home and supporting him. Give me a break! She's the one who needs the support right now but he has a tendency to always try to make everything about him even when she's the one who is sick. I found out Saturday night that their kitchen had not been cleaned in 4 days and that he also had not been bathing their son or helping with the housework. I have lost tons of respect for this man. I have even talked with him myself and he will do better for a couple of days and then it's back to lazy land again. This is driving me nuts! I live 35 miles away, work full time and also take care of my elderly mother who had a stroke. Now I feel as if when I get off work everyday I need to go and clean her house for her because he won't do it. If she comes and stays at my house he gets mad but if she stays in their house where so much needs to be done that she cannot physically do she gets more and more depressed. Sorry to ramble but what do we do to make this man understand how serious HG is and stop being so self centered?

Help!!!!

Thanks for letting me ramble and vent. I needed it.

[NoMoreHG]

Dear friend...

I can COMPLETELY relate to your story! In fact, I had to double check things because so much of it read like something my mom might have wrote. If there is one thing that I can say to possibly help right now, it is this... This time in your life and your daughter's will pass, allowing for time to heal.

I dealt with a lot of verbal abuse while struggling with HG. A LOT! To the point that the depression from everything was so overwhelming that my doctor advised me to find another family to live with until the end of my pregnancy. I chose not to go in the end, for fear that my marriage would be worse off... but by choosing that I chose to endure the painful attacks. Looking back, I realize that it was HG that my hubby was so angry at, not me. He simply did not have the coping skills to handle what we were facing and he was overwhelmed.

Our son is now 9 months old, and with total focus on my part to help our marriage heal, his heart and character have healed and changed so drastically that I can't even believe that it's my husband! He's the most amazing man that has ever been in my life... yep I said it! He certainly had some truly awful moments... even one where I threatened to terminate the pregnancy so that I could up and leave him at that moment and be done with the abuse. Things were very ugly then, but after much healing, we are so strong and so amazing together as a couple.

So... hang in there, continue to give your daughter the support she needs (in every way), pray for their marriage, shower your SIL with love (even if you dispise him at the moment), don't talk negatively about their marriage to anyone (it only feeds more negative thoughts), and try to get them some loving support and counsel.

I owe all of our healing to God and many thanks to all of the church supporters who took us in and prayed over us daily. It has been a rough road, but we are so much healthier and happier now then ever before in life.

Please feel free to email me as often as you need for more support. Love to you for caring for your daughter and grand child.

(PS - My husband didn't get the picture until these things happened: I found the HelpHer website and made him read it, My doctor sat him down and had a long talk with him about the severity of my condition, and My doctor advised me to move back to my home state and live with other family so I could have the support I needed instead of the verbal abuse. Needless to say, all of these things happening hit him hard and he had a meltdown, realizing he might lose his family and would have to live by himself through all the holidays, etc.)

[Chedasha]

So sorry to hear he is being non supportive. I guess many men would be like that. They would not understand normal pregnancy woes, let alone a HG pregnancy. Maybe if you could talk to him. Send him a link to this site, saying this is what she has. But you would think regardles that basic empathy and understanding would have him concerned and caring about his wife.

sorry your daughter has to go through this again


Kat