by BrandiJK » Sep 27, 2005 11:40 am
Shelby, I think this is the core of the problems w/ my Dh. When I am not feeling well, he wants to help me by contact. And when I am not in HG hell, this is normally how I am most receptive. However, w/ HG, being touched is hard. He doesn't get that, as I am normally a very touchy/huggy person w/ everyone.
And when I feel sick (the beginning of that downhill cycle), he'd want to snuggle, to give me loving kisses, to hug, to hold, to nurture through touch. And of course, I can't stomach it. Sometimes I just move away, sometimes I have to go and get sick. So as I get worse, so does he, and it ends with him leaving and me being sicker. Because 1) it's hard for him to see me sick and knocked down, it's not me and scary for both of us. And 2) he doesn't know what else to do. Of course, this is NOT a pattern that works.
As my cycles of illness are going down hill again, we have started talking more. I expect to still come up against the same walls, we just don't do well w/ HG. However, at least we have some good conversations happening. On my good days, I'll initiate hugs, loves, snuggles...and when I hit my wall I will gently let him know. When I am going down and my muscles are aching, he will rub my shoulders and back or play with my hair, at my request. Makes him feel like he is doing something for me, and he is because the pain (as we all know) gets pretty bad. I just have to ask for it because he is tired of being denyed any contact.
We had to talk, be very honest with out fighting, and then decide on comprimises. It's a beginning.
Since it seemed connected to what you posted, I thought I would share where we are currently. He is hurt by my refusal to any kind of intimacy most times, and acting that out. I am hurt because he doesn't get it. With out speaking those things, we would just pull apart more.
Amanda,
I agree, you worded it very well in your post. And it would be swell if you didn't get sick, but unrealistic to hope for. I think you need to speak your heart and truths here, before the reality sets in.
The only thing worth stealing is a kiss from a sleeping child.