by TwoIsEnough » Feb 05, 2007 11:09 am
With Avery, I had never thought of those things. I was so worried for her and didn't believe that a baby could survive what I was going through. I often found myself saying I had to be strong for her and not give up, but most days I was on the edge. When I went into labor in early July (she wasn't due until later in Sept.) I feared losing her and that was the hardest. After having her, the reminders of hg weren't so bad, just the reminders of the mag they gave me to stop labor.
I had fears of getting pg again, but my DH and I wanted two children so badly...and we were going for a 2 year gap. We contemplated for awhile because of my pg with Avery, but decided to go for it (now a three year gap).
I was adopted, and terminating a pg was something I never would think about. My adoptive mom lost three babies (after they were born) and I know what that has done to her.
When I got pg this time and the hg settled in (quickly), I started having regrets. I began feeling guilty and upset for Avery...as though having her wasn't good enough. I haven't ever thought about terminating, but I began having thoughts of life going "back to normal" if this pg didn't make it. Then I would cry and get angry at myself for thinking "such a horrible thing." I wasn't about to ever share these thoughts with anyone, not even my DH. So I hid my thoughts, my guilt and began to look at myself as being selfish for dreaming of life without hg and this pg.
I had my big breakdown and during that my husband made a remark about questioning the idea of having a second child. I was so thankful that he too had a least had some thoughts questioning our decision. However, our questions were all due to the hg. I shared my thoughts with him finally, then began to push myself to think of the joy that Avery has brought and if I made it through that I could make it through this one.
I definately have days where I wish it was over and I could go back and erase everything from November 2006 (when I became pregnant), but I try to think that I can go through 9 months of hell for this baby to be able to have a wonderful life.
This pg though has made us decide we are done having children, even if we have another girl (which means the last name will no longer be carried down as my husband is the only male left with the last name). Since I don't have luck with birth control, and I don't want to trust the ol trojan, we are in the midst of making permanent plans. I can't imagine having an unexpected pg, and hg...i think that I would have thoughts of termination on a daily basis then.
I am glad to see that others go through some of the same feelings and that it is normal...not selfish to think those things. Hang in there girls share your thoughts and feelings. I have noticed on here that no thought or feeling is abnormal, bad, strange, selfish, etc.
Lauren
DD#1: Moderate HG for six months then PTL.
DD#2: Severe HG all the way through delivery along with PTL.