What I'd be experiencing if I hadn't terminated...

Help with physical and emotional healing for moms who have suffered loss.

Moderators: justme, ***, deb

What I'd be experiencing if I hadn't terminated...

Postby Nina19 » Sep 18, 2014 8:15 am

Today marks 8 weeks since I terminated my pregnancy in a suicidal, desperate haze induced by HG. I would be 18 weeks pregnant today. I would be feeling my baby move. I would likely know the gender of the little life I ended so prematurely. I might be feeling better by this stage, I might not... I will never know. And my deep, cutting regret at what I've done (now that the darkness is lifting) cannot bring back the precious gift of life that I ended.

I am shattered. I will never be able to forgive myself, even though I know I wasn't really present in my decision. Trying to fathom the depth of despair I was in, the hell I was going through, the pain, the nausea, the anxiety, the hopelessness and belief that I would die, the hallucination of even being able to take a sip of water... that all seems too incredible to be possible, now that I can eat and drink and think again.

If I'd had a doctor who lived up to the trust I placed in her, I might still be pregnant. She disregarded my views expressed re termination (that I could not live with myself) which I had made when I was lucid. She did not contact my partner or family when I told her in despair that I wanted to terminate. She did nothing in the days prior, when I told her I was feeling suicidal and was in extreme pain. Instead, she became impatient at my lack of response to the medication, at my pleas for relief. After planting the seed of termination the week before (in the guise of trying to avert it), she was all too eager to hand me over to another doctor to perform the procedure and just get this problem patient out of her life. Without contacting my partner or family. Without any counselling. Without even trying to get me through the darkest time of my life by offering any level of compassion or support...

I was suicidal. I was irrational. I was insane. I was a danger to myself and my unborn child. They didn't kill me, but they did kill my child, when there was no one to protect or advocate for that little life. I wish they had killed me too...

I would be 18 weeks pregnant today... but I'm not...
Nina19
New Member
 
Posts: 31
Joined: Aug 05, 2014 8:12 am

Re: What I'd be experiencing if I hadn't terminated...

Postby Saph18 » Sep 20, 2014 11:47 am

Hi Nina,

I just wanted to let you know that I read you, and, I'm sorry of how difficult the past few months have been for you. You have been through hell and no matter what decision is made with HG - terminate or keep going, both choices are extremely difficult and bring their load of despair and difficult time.

I hope your family and partner are offering some support now with what you are going through. Also, have you thought about getting some extra support (psychology) to deal with all the dark feelings the HG/termination brought to you?

Lots of hugs to you ++++++++
DS 2012-10: HG from 7-Birth (Diclectin/Metoclopramide - Depression) Survivor
DD 2014-05: HG from 4-Birth (Diclectin/Zofran) Survivor
Saph18
Been There Done That
 
Posts: 127
Joined: May 02, 2012 6:03 pm

Re: What I'd be experiencing if I hadn't terminated...

Postby Nina19 » Sep 21, 2014 8:35 am

Hi Saph

Thanks so much for your message and loving thoughts and encouragement xxx

I was on my 2nd week in hospital when the termination was done. I had isolated myself from everyone, just to try and cope with surviving minute by minute. My phone had died, so I wasn't able to contact anyone... and honestly wasn't thinking clearly enough to even think of it. None of the medical staff thought of it or suggested it either. Or got me any other kind of support or counselling when i said I couldn't cope any more and wanted to terminate (I honestly thought I was going to die!). I hadn't slept in days, due to the pain and vomiting, had no nutritional support and had very high blood pressure (and my BP has always been perfect). I was also moved into a ward with 3 other patients, who had constant visitors, and the noise, movement etc was an assault on my central nervous system. I tried everything to block it out...The dr who did the procedure later that day was very cold and told me any future pregnancy would be worse... and in my desperate and irrational state I told him to then sterilise me as well. Again, with no consultation, counselling etc or even contacting my family. This all happened in an afternoon! I only realised what had happened 4 days later, when I could keep some food down for the first time in weeks. My 2nd week in hospital I was on IV with saline only, no form of nutrition as I could not even swallow a sip of water due to the intense pain...

So... my partner only knows we lost the baby. I have not had the courage to tell him the truth. I am too ashamed and devastated by what I did to even express it in words. I don't know how he could forgive me - I can't ever forgive myself. Only my mother knows, as I broke down completely a week later, while she was caring for me. My last entry here was the first time I expressed my experience or feelings... although I am now in therapy and on anti depressants.

It just feels like they took everything away from me, even my future choice, in one fell swoop when I was at my most vulnerable... I just don't know how I am ever going to live with the burden if what I've done... what I've lost... and what I'll never have :-(
Nina19
New Member
 
Posts: 31
Joined: Aug 05, 2014 8:12 am

Re: What I'd be experiencing if I hadn't terminated...

Postby aaronsmommy » Sep 22, 2014 8:48 pm

I really don't think they would have sterilized you at the same time. Many countries have a waiting period, but also it just isn't an easy procedure to add on at the last minute. Have you tried to confirm whether that was done?

In the US it is not legal to do a sterilization at the time of a termination unless the patient requested it before they even got pregnant - although it sounds like you may not be in the US.

Yours sounds like a horrible experience. Many women here have been where you were and made the same decision, I hope you can find comfort that you are not alone.
Aimee

Aaron 12/4/02
aaronsmommy
Forums Administrator
 
Posts: 4271
Joined: May 28, 2004 1:49 pm
Location: Southern California

Re: What I'd be experiencing if I hadn't terminated...

Postby Nina19 » Sep 23, 2014 2:18 pm

I'm in South Africa. The sterilisation was definitely done and when I questioned afterwards how they could have allowed me to make either decision in the irrational state I was in(especially without even contacting my partner / family or getting me some kind of counselling), they simply said I signed the consent form. The response afterwards was as cold as tbe treatment I received.
,
I have even been go see a fertility specialist since, just to understand what my options are now. There is about an equal chance of success with reversal or IVF... I'm terrified of the HG I am likely to go through again and don't know if I can trust myself... but if I decide to go ahead, I will make sure I plan very differently a d put clear measures in place for support and to protect myself and my baby.

I still can't believe that they could just take everything away from me so easily and callously and just get away with it...
Nina19
New Member
 
Posts: 31
Joined: Aug 05, 2014 8:12 am

Re: What I'd be experiencing if I hadn't terminated...

Postby Nina19 » Oct 03, 2014 5:40 am

Yesterday I would have been 20 weeks... I would have passed the halfway mark...

It was also 10 weeks since my nightmare started.

Finding support in these forums and also the facebook groups dealing with pregnancy, infant and child loss support is the only thing helping me keep my head above water right now.

I lit a candle for my Angel Baby on Wednesday night, and have met a friend through one of the groups who lives nearby and is also participating in the October Awareness campaign for Pregnancy, Infant and Child Loss. It helps to have someone to connect with when it gets too much. Someone who understands some of what I'm going through...
Nina19
New Member
 
Posts: 31
Joined: Aug 05, 2014 8:12 am

Re: What I'd be experiencing if I hadn't terminated...

Postby Saph18 » Oct 06, 2014 11:09 am

Hi Nina,

I am so sorry for your loss, now that you've explain it a bit more, I see why it's even harder for you.

I am still reading, and thinking of you.

Lots of hugs to you ++++
DS 2012-10: HG from 7-Birth (Diclectin/Metoclopramide - Depression) Survivor
DD 2014-05: HG from 4-Birth (Diclectin/Zofran) Survivor
Saph18
Been There Done That
 
Posts: 127
Joined: May 02, 2012 6:03 pm

Re: What I'd be experiencing if I hadn't terminated...

Postby Nina19 » Oct 07, 2014 5:07 am

Thanks so much for your kind words and caring thoughts Saph. It really means so much to me.

I still feel as if I'm living every day and week of my pregnancy.... just with this hollowness inside me. I still think of the milestones, how baby would have grown and developed, what I'd be experiencing, the preparations we would be busy with, how my body would be changing...

My psychiatrist has diagnosed me with PTSD as a result of the traumatic experience I had. I can't even drive past any Mediclinic sign without getting an anxiety attack. And there are so many other triggers and flashbacks every day. But I am under the care now of a wonderful psychiatrist and also seeing a therapist.

My coping mechanism is to "do something. Fix it", so I'm struggling with feeling so helpless and vulnerable and unable to do something to change things. I've spoken to the hospital, been to see a fertility specialist and am consulting with a lawyer. I am meticulous about doing my research, seeking counsel from those I trust and respect, weighing my options and only then making a decision - with my plan B in place. So making such big decisions basically impulsively goes completely against my nature and I also struggle with the feeling that I lost control and there was nothing and no one to protect me (from myself or the doctors) at that point. Coldly telling me that it was permanent was like telling someone who is holding a gun to their head that pulling the trigger will end their life and expecting that to change their mind... the reality of what you are doing, the true impact and actual permanence of the harm you are about to inflict does not even reach the outer limits of your reason when you are suicidal and irrational and desperate. I had lost my grip on reality and was separated even from myself. I was numb, detached and so distant from my real situation that an indifferent doctor had no hope of reaching me.

So that is something else I am adamant to work towards changing: there has to be failsafes and processes in place to protect both patients and doctors in cases like these. It is unacceptable that patient confidentiality is used as a front to hide behind. It is entirely possible to obtain / provide support, counselling, treatment and protection for a patient without breaching confidentiality. And it should be a mandatory process, which includes a cooling off period with required interventions, unless the procedure is medically emergent. Confidentiality does not preclude protection, care and treatment. How could they not have at least contacted my family to let them know that my condition had deteriorated to such a drastic extent and that someone should come to the hospital to support me? I had isolated myself (as someone with HG often does) just to try and survive, so I had specifically requested that family and friends restrict visits to a minimum and also not more than 5 mins at a time. My mobile had died and I certainly wasn't thinking of asking anyone to call my family - I was thinking of surviving minute by minute. I had lost touch with reality completely, because I was trying to block it out... and none of the "medical professionals" around me cared enough to do anything to support me or protect my baby and I against myself.

Another reason I am struggling with my feelings is that I am a naturally happy and optimistic person. It is completely against my nature not to be happy. So I am feeling joy (it just always bubbles up inside me) at the same time as I feel such a deep sadness, guilt, devastation, loneliness, loss, anger and depression. And I feel guilt at feeling joy. And I am almost angry at myself for feeling it. It's like a hurricane of emotion inside me...

Anyway, excuse my rambling on :) It does help to be able to express how I feel and what I'm going through here, as it's the only place I feel safe to do so.

Thank you so much for the caring and the support, for the love, the understanding, the compassion and the words of encouragement...

xxxx
Nina19
New Member
 
Posts: 31
Joined: Aug 05, 2014 8:12 am

Re: What I'd be experiencing if I hadn't terminated...

Postby Nina19 » Oct 16, 2014 3:50 am

12 weeks since my heartbreak started. Would have been 22 weeks today.

Breaks my heart... rips my soul apart...
Nina19
New Member
 
Posts: 31
Joined: Aug 05, 2014 8:12 am

Re: What I'd be experiencing if I hadn't terminated...

Postby Nina19 » Nov 20, 2014 4:45 am

I would have been 27 weeks pregnant today...

I am broken by the emptiness of the life that is NOT growing and moving inside my body...
Nina19
New Member
 
Posts: 31
Joined: Aug 05, 2014 8:12 am

Re: What I'd be experiencing if I hadn't terminated...

Postby cinnimini02 » Jan 28, 2015 5:07 am

I think the care you received had a great impact on your decision. I made it through 2 HG pregnancies, but not necessarily due to the great care. The 3rd was too hard. The first, I was only 18. I think that I truly believed it would end after the first trimester. In a few weeks. Anytime soon. So I could cope with it a little better. With the second, I had a couple really great doctors in the group I was seeing. The two of them really helped me to tolerate what I was going through and not feel alone. I actually felt understood. It was still extremely rough, but I was getting the care I needed to not feel desperate. With the third, I was technically going to the same group, but those two wonderful doctors had left the group. I did not know where to find them. I love my OB/gyn when I am not experiencing HG. She actually delivered my daughter (since the other two doctors left while I was 32 weeks along with her). But with that pregnancy, my HG had already resolved by the time she was my caregiver. She had never been through it with me either. She was experiencing it for the first time with me, and I truly do not believe she has cared for a true HG patient before. I feel like some people in my area are diagnosed with HG, but don't actually have it. Many of them are fine by the end of the first trimester. I never am. She was hesitant to provide any treatment besides oral medications, even when they were not working. I was going to the ER every three days in extreme dehydration. Food and drinks never even made it to my stomach before coming back up. I couldn't keep the meds down. The most she did was change the Phenergan to a suppository. I guess I felt like it was too little too late. I was already so incapable of caring for myself. I missed my family. I missed feeling alive. I couldn't handle it anymore. I wish when I broke down in her office about how I couldn't do it anymore, that she would've at least tried talking me out of it since she knew it was a planned pregnancy and that I really wanted the baby. Instead, she handed me a list of places I could go to terminate. Luckily, I don't have to deal with the guilt of that. I ended up miscarrying. I still feel like it's my fault for wishing it were over. I still find myself thinking it might not have really happened. I guess I should give myself more time. It only happened last week. But I'm struggling. I called the places on that list. I was ready to do it myself. I never would've imagined myself in that position. I never would've thought about terminating. But with HG, all you can think about is getting better. You don't always think about what that means for yourself and your family. I know I wasn't.
cinnimini02
New Member
 
Posts: 9
Joined: Oct 15, 2014 4:57 am

Re: What I'd be experiencing if I hadn't terminated...

Postby Nina19 » Feb 08, 2015 7:43 am

Oh, Cinnimini, I am so sorry for your loss and what you have had to go through and are enduring now... I'm sorry am only responding now. Thank you for taking the time to read and reply to my post. It means so much to me. And I could tell that we had very similar experiences, thoughts and feelings... and regrets, and "whats if's", and "how was it possible?" questions about our care...

A caring and understanding doctor makes such a huge difference... in how they engage with you, how they medicate, how they help you get through day by excruciating day. A doctor who doesn't truly understand HG doesn't have a very good chance of getting you to the other side :( In my first pregnancy I was also hospitalised for 2 weeks with HG when it was its worst, but it felt like that doctor was really invested in getting me through it and to a healthy baby. This second time around, I felt like a nuisance. It felt like the doctor kept reading up on the research as she went along. And she actually planted the seed for termination by telling me that some women choose to terminate. I had never even heard of this and didn't even know or consider it an option before that. So, when all sanity and hope left me, it seemed like the only option. And while she does not do terminations (too righteous for that... which probably made me feel safe on a subconscious level), she quite happily handed me over to a doctor who would do it: the same doctor who had discharged me the Friday before, setting off the downward spiral from which they were not able to stabilise me again; the same doctor that I complained about to her on the Monday and the same doctor whose care I told her never to leave me in again. He didn't even know me. Didn't care to understand anything about my condition or previously expressed views on termination or sterilisation... He was more than willing to just go ahead and do both procedures that same afternoon, with no counselling or even support or knowledge of my family. Why are doctors so willing to just do something so permanent, traumatic and irreversible, especially if they know how much you want that baby???

And you are so right...you simply do not have any grasp on the impact it will have on you and your family. The future doesn't exist. Reality is not even a vague recollection. You just can't even think outside of that hopeless space that you're in... the HG just takes over your body, your mind, your life. You are not who you would be in any other circumstance. You make decisions that you would NEVER EVER have considered if you were in your right mind. HG destroys a part of you, not just physically, but mentally and emotionally... :(

And when you can't take care of yourself, when it feels like you never will again, when you miss your family so badly and worry about how your HG is affecting them and start fearing you might never see them again... that just weighs so heavily on your breaking heart and fragile mind...

Please take good care of yourself. Take time. Be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself for even thinking it. You were not yourself. I salute you for making it through two HG pregnancies before... you are a warrior, a survivor, a woman with inner strength and beauty. You will survive this too. It will become part of the puzzle that makes you who you are xxx
Nina19
New Member
 
Posts: 31
Joined: Aug 05, 2014 8:12 am

Re: What I'd be experiencing if I hadn't terminated...

Postby Barbnj » Mar 20, 2015 10:55 pm

Nina......

When I came to post my update and came across your post it brought me right back to my story back in 2007.
We mirrored our experiences to the tee. I couldnt really believe someone else out there has the same feelings in her
heart as I do to this very day.

You see Nina my husband and I married later in life. We had a natural pregnancy in 2004 at the age of 45. Low progesterone levels
eased off some pregnancy symptoms but it also caused our loss at 9 weeks. I didnt suffer too badly.

Then my husband and I did a IVF in 2007. I was in great shape. The first 3 weeks were a breeze..... then one day later after my doctors appt
I crashed and burned. I became violently ill, dizzy and weak. With each 24 hours I became more debilitated. Our next appt one week later
at the IVF clinic I was down 10 pounds. I was not able to keep even sips of water down. The doc said to me I dont like to give anti nausea meds until 12 weeks. I walked away helpless. I was unable to work. I was unable to get off the bathroom floor. If I was in bed it was with 2 buckets at all times. My husband was away 16 hrs a day...so it was me my tv and my dark thoughts.
After a few days no more tv bc any eye movement sent me spirling out of control.
My stomach from bending over to wretch was excruciating painful.
I hadnt found this site until after our loss.
As the weeks passed I prayed for death. I prayed for miscarriage.
I drove myself to the ER alone for IV fluids... only to feel better for 1 hr then back to full illness.
By week 8 I was down 30 pounds.
By week 9 I was down 38 pounds.
The nurse at the IV clinic slipped a note in my hands of a specialist.
My husband took me there. I couldnt even be examined. I couldnt lie down and get up without fainting.
Of course the specialist gave me 5 different anti nausea meds. I learned here you need to be hydrated in order for them to work.
I did try taking them for 3 days. Then began vomiting blood tinged liquids.
I couldnt urinate. They did a little culture of what ever they found and I had severe urinary tract infection.
MD ordered antibiotics and scared me into taking them.
This sent my nausea and vomiting over the edge. So I stopped taking them.
I lost all hope at this point. Down 40 pounds and looking like death.
I made the same decision you did.
I terminated.
I was awake with little sedation and screamed the entire time. I wish the specialist helped me.
He left the end product on the table for me to see. How awful.
I hated myself because within a few hours my nausea was gone. I was hungry. But punished myself by not eating bc I felt better.

I did seek out a therapist and doctor who put me on meds for depression.
I wound up with 2 bleeding gastric ulcers.
And some liver kidney issues.

It's been 8 years and I would have a 7 yr old at this time in my life.
I feel sorrow everyday.
I do function and try not to blame myself or hate myself. I have to remind myself that I was not in my right mind due to malnutrition.
The decisions we both made were out of desperation for survival.
Our electolytes were off, malnutrition set in. Body chemistry all off.

This is what made my decision. My mind not my own. So when people ask me if I have children I tell them childless not by choice.
HG is a monster who stole my joy of being a mommy.
And I struggle asking why me??
Coworkers coming to work with that pregnancy glow.....

And oh how we hg'ers suffer so???

Your post touched my heart because it's a sisterhood that only we could understand....
even my husband suffered but couldnt realize how my heart still pains me.

I put on a mask and go thru my daily routine.
Am I happy for others.... who have normal pregnancies..... absolutely

Am I still sad over my situation.... you betcha.

Will my pain every go away? no

Thank You for reminding me Im not alone!!


Hugs to you!!!


Barbara
Image

Image



In remembrance of my 2 lost souls
Image Nov 2004 When we lost our angel due date Aug 2005 natural mc
Image Apr2007 when we lost our baby Due date Nov23 2007 Hg took our baby
Barbnj
Been There Done That
 
Posts: 377
Joined: Jun 19, 2007 3:10 pm

Re: What I'd be experiencing if I hadn't terminated...

Postby Nina19 » Apr 05, 2015 6:55 am

Barb, been thinking of you and your devastating story so much. I still can't believe the doctor left your baby on the table for you to see afterwards... He didn't help you physically and then made sure to compound the emotional trauma. How can he call himself a doctor??? I am still deeply traumatised by my experience, but at least I was under general anaesthesia at the time, as they sterilised me at the same time... How utterly awful for you to have been conscious and left with a shocking visual reminder as well. My heart breaks all over again for you... xxx

Like you, I only found this site afterwards... when trying to find info on termination in HG, as I was still so stunned at what had happened. At the fact that it was possible while I was in hospital for care... at the fact that it could happen like that, with no counselling, intervention or support. I wish I had found this site before, when I was searching for resources on HG, support and treatment. Somehow it never came up then :-(

I am trapped in a maze at work, where everywhere I turn there is a preggy belly! I can't escape it!! In a male dominated environment, in an office with only a handful of women, 3 ladies are now pregnant (mine would have been the first pregnancy in the company's history). The latest announcement came from an awesome colleague, who happens to be 41 (as I was last year), who had her tubes tied 2 years ago and was given the extra shock that she is expecting twins! So this is hitting me even harder right now, but I just smile and wave...

And all of them are having easy, happy, healthy pregnancies. Some days I want to run screaming from the office, but I can't...
Nina19
New Member
 
Posts: 31
Joined: Aug 05, 2014 8:12 am

Re: What I'd be experiencing if I hadn't terminated...

Postby Barbnj » Apr 05, 2015 11:48 am

Thank You Nina.... yes I will never get over my experience I have ptsd. I was only given a light sedation during the termination and my husband said he could hear my screams in the waiting room. They kept telling me to stop yelling but my screams just kept coming. Then to leave the baby's tissue in a glass jar on the side table for me to see was horrendous. As you can see I to this day can't forget it. Ive sought out counseling and was on anti depressants for over 18 months. But the heart will do what the heart does. And no medication on this planet will fix my rip up soul.

Like you I get up daily and go to work with a smile on my face thinking this isnt the way it was suppose to turn out. I should be a mommy
with a precious child to love. Coworkers come and go Ive dealt with a ton of pregnant moms with happy uneventful pregnancies
glowing.... only to fall deep into my hole remembering my bathroom floor, hospital trips and bleeding uclers from hg.
Today is Easter, all the children in the neighborhood running around grabbing Easter eggs....laughing as I cry inside.
Im going into work today..I work for an airline which never closes.

Im sorry we're both in the same situation. For it is us that walk each other shoes to truly know complete heartache.
I thank you for your kind words and to know Im not alone in my thoughts.

Lets hold each other up.... as the world around us continues to turn.
May God bless both our hearts into a one day complete healing.

Keep in touch.

Thank You!!!

Barbara
Image

Image



In remembrance of my 2 lost souls
Image Nov 2004 When we lost our angel due date Aug 2005 natural mc
Image Apr2007 when we lost our baby Due date Nov23 2007 Hg took our baby
Barbnj
Been There Done That
 
Posts: 377
Joined: Jun 19, 2007 3:10 pm


Return to Loss, Grief & Recovery

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 0 guests