Today marks 8 weeks since I terminated my pregnancy in a suicidal, desperate haze induced by HG. I would be 18 weeks pregnant today. I would be feeling my baby move. I would likely know the gender of the little life I ended so prematurely. I might be feeling better by this stage, I might not... I will never know. And my deep, cutting regret at what I've done (now that the darkness is lifting) cannot bring back the precious gift of life that I ended.
I am shattered. I will never be able to forgive myself, even though I know I wasn't really present in my decision. Trying to fathom the depth of despair I was in, the hell I was going through, the pain, the nausea, the anxiety, the hopelessness and belief that I would die, the hallucination of even being able to take a sip of water... that all seems too incredible to be possible, now that I can eat and drink and think again.
If I'd had a doctor who lived up to the trust I placed in her, I might still be pregnant. She disregarded my views expressed re termination (that I could not live with myself) which I had made when I was lucid. She did not contact my partner or family when I told her in despair that I wanted to terminate. She did nothing in the days prior, when I told her I was feeling suicidal and was in extreme pain. Instead, she became impatient at my lack of response to the medication, at my pleas for relief. After planting the seed of termination the week before (in the guise of trying to avert it), she was all too eager to hand me over to another doctor to perform the procedure and just get this problem patient out of her life. Without contacting my partner or family. Without any counselling. Without even trying to get me through the darkest time of my life by offering any level of compassion or support...
I was suicidal. I was irrational. I was insane. I was a danger to myself and my unborn child. They didn't kill me, but they did kill my child, when there was no one to protect or advocate for that little life. I wish they had killed me too...
I would be 18 weeks pregnant today... but I'm not...