feeling sad about limiting family size

Discuss the triumph or heartache of not having more children, and the struggle to make that decision.

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We are alike

Postby kmwilson » Aug 02, 2004 6:05 pm

Thank you for your reply. We are going through the same thing it sounds.

Part of of me does feel a little relieved to have somebody else say no. That way like you said I'm not constantly thinking about it. Maybe I just want to prove I can do it again for number 3 - which was our original number. However, I too am young (31 this Saturday), and I think that has part to do with it. I have met many women out there that would have had more if they were younger. It seems sad to be done so young, but I guess just because you can doesn't mean you should. tee hee There are benefits to being young when the nest is empty as well.

I too know I'd be fine in the long run. Heck, I felt guilty when my son came along because my daughter and I had played such a beautiful song for two years. Labor and Delivery was always a miracle for me - I don't know if HG made it that way. But I cherish those hours of dilation and pushing. I've even considered becoming a L&D nurse when the kids are older so I can be involved in it all the time.

I'm the type that would really regret feeling I didn't have enough time for each child, though. Type A personality!

As far as going on, please type away. The more I read the better I feel. I truly love my husband, and we are best friends. I will like having passed these ages (terrible twos and dramatic fours) the last time and going on dates more often. Once Ethan is trained, no more diaper bags.

I don't want to be 50 and wish I had more, but I don't want to be 50 and have pushed my husband into more. I guess the only thing to do is concentrate on my two angel babies. Perhaps volunteering etc. and being around others would help.
Kimberly
Frisco, TX
2 HG Pregnancies
Daughter 2000
Son 2002

HG began at 6-8 wks; Zofran from 12 wks until around 25-26 wks. Despite HG, I loved the miracle of birth.
kmwilson
New Member
 
Posts: 41
Joined: Jun 29, 2004 12:09 pm
Location: Frisco, TX

Postby mandy » Aug 03, 2004 4:40 am

Hi Kimberly,

It's just great to be able to talk about these things to people who understand, isn't it? Well, after responding to you last night, I sat down with my husband and we talked through things once again. Like you and your husband, my husband is my best friend. I never thought I would find love like this. We are sickly happy with eachother! Anyway, he said surely it's better to have wished you had more than to regret a child you have. He is looking at this from the view-point that he is completely happy with our two and feels no need for any more. I would hate my husband to regret having a child of ours. To resent the sleepless nights, constant feeds, nappy changing, toddler tantrums etc. It's hard enough when the child you have was longed for. So, I thought this was quite a good point. I can live with having had only two. I will always mourn the children I won't have (we planned on four) and I will always be disapointed at my pregnancies. Like you, I LOVED giving birth. It was amazing and such a breeze compared to hg. I tell every mother to be that I enjoyed my labours. They look at me like I'm mad as all other people tell them about are horror stories!

I have also considered becoming a midwife and have talked to midwives about what the job entails etc. Now is not the right time to train though with children so young. I am a qualified nursery nurse so one day I will go back to cuddling and caring for other peoples' babies for a living and hopefully that will slightly fill a void.

Talking like this helps me and I hope it's helping you. I feel a lot better now than two months ago. My best friend has just found out she can't ever have children, would not even work with IVF. This has crushed me and made me see how lucky I am. My deepest sadness is that I can't offer to be a surrogate for her. She would never let me anyway as she saw how ill I was with the pregnancies. She also has many other health problems. She is happily married and would love just one child. I look at myself and think 'you have got everything'. As a child I would never have thought my life would turn out this good. So, at the moment I am positive.......and happy...........and grateful. But, if I think too deeply and too long I get all the thoughts you talk of. I hope broodiness fades especially as my children get further and further away from babyhood. We have just finished with nappies - a happy and sad moment!

You take care, Mandy x
mother of two
hg from wk 6 - daughter born in 1999
hg from wk 5 - son born in 2002
mandy
HG Diva
 
Posts: 2397
Joined: May 29, 2004 11:13 am
Location: south west england

Thank you Thank you

Postby kmwilson » Aug 03, 2004 8:04 am

Mandy, you were meant to read my post. Thank you for spending so much time helping me with this.

Your latest post was so wonderful and made me smile. As I too knew some of the things you said (very blessed to be able to have my own must less one of each), its nice to have somebody remind me as I'm contemplating this.

oh my gosh I can't believe you brought up how positive your life is and that you didn't expect it as a child. That was the right thing to say to me. I'm always thinking about great my life is and trying to convince my husband to stop worrying about more and more and more. We don't need a bigger house, newer cars etc. We need more time with one another, more sanity, less debt etc. I've lived a very blessed life, and you have been another blessing in it.

Because yes, talking about this with you has made a huge difference!

Are you orginally from England? I'm a native Texan whose best friend is orignally from England - the only friend I've kept up with all these year. We met at UT Austin.

How long have yall been married? we've been married 7 years and was engaged within two months of meeting Crazy huh - it runs in the family. Both our parents were engaged and married fast and now married 35+ and 25+ years.

I'm so grateful for your responses, I checked and checked for responses the other day and was sad I hadn't gotten any yet.

As you heal from this and think of good points please post them or send me a private message. You are helping me tremendously.

With Many Thanks for Giving Me Your Time
Kimberly
Kimberly
Frisco, TX
2 HG Pregnancies
Daughter 2000
Son 2002

HG began at 6-8 wks; Zofran from 12 wks until around 25-26 wks. Despite HG, I loved the miracle of birth.
kmwilson
New Member
 
Posts: 41
Joined: Jun 29, 2004 12:09 pm
Location: Frisco, TX

My mother says thank you

Postby kmwilson » Aug 03, 2004 8:50 am

Mandy,

I just spoke to my mother, and she could tell the change in my voice. I had told her our decision yesterday and how sad I was. She worried all day and all night about me, although I know she'd privately not want me to come so close to starvation again.

She personally wanted me to thank you for your words of encouragment b/c she wasn't quite sure what to say.

Take Care and Talk Soon
Kimberly
Kimberly
Frisco, TX
2 HG Pregnancies
Daughter 2000
Son 2002

HG began at 6-8 wks; Zofran from 12 wks until around 25-26 wks. Despite HG, I loved the miracle of birth.
kmwilson
New Member
 
Posts: 41
Joined: Jun 29, 2004 12:09 pm
Location: Frisco, TX

I can relate

Postby Jacksmommy » Oct 18, 2004 1:17 pm

Hi Mandy,
I am at that point right now with my husband. I came from a family of 6 and I would have loved to have a big family too. It is just not possible for me and he agrees. He feels terrible that there is nothing he can do to help. I love my son and would go through fire for him as I would for our baby expected in April but I can't put myself through another pregnancy and expect to retain my sanity. I know how you feel watching the blissfully pregnant women all around you and feeling so sad. My best friend had 3 blissful pregnancies and delivered all her babies at home naturally. I had hypermesis, gestational diabetes, level 2 sonograms out the wazoo and had to be induced and that was just for ONE. It makes us laugh sometimes when we talk about the differences but the bottom line is, we love our children, we will always have that common ground. It will all be ok ;).
Taking one day at a time.
Jacksmommy
New Member
 
Posts: 2
Joined: Oct 18, 2004 10:28 am

Postby mandy » Oct 18, 2004 3:28 pm

Thankyou, Jacksmommy, for writing.

Well, I feel I have come a long way since I began this thread. My youngest has started Nursery, so I am really moving on. It is hard. Sometimes i think of 'what if' as if all was well I'd probably be expecting our third as we speak. But, all is not well in pregnancy and I am not expecting our third. And, it is, ok. We're moving on into a new period of our lives. I am really being tested now as my sil and sister are both pregnant. Both eating and drinking and therefore, in my mind, both fine. I am envious but not jealous. Does that make sense? I love my husband so much and look at the two children we have made and pinch myself. Look at what I have :D .

I won't lie, sometimes I still feel sad but I have a very best friend of my age (twenty-eight) who has been told she can never have children. I mourn for her much more than for me. I wish I could surogate for her. If I could I most definately would.

So I am doing ok, Jacksmommy. Thankyou so much for being concerned. Goodluck to you and may we all be happy and fullfilled whether we have one, two, three or many more children because, honestly, isn't it really a miracle to even get the one?! Especially with how we all suffer. (you've caught me on a good night, a happy day!).

...............I have just read your other message. If there is anything I can do, or anything you want to discuss please contact me (you can use a private message if you want). I have been where you are and understand some of what you must be going through. I had my second child in the month of April too, and remember September and October of that year were extremely hard for me. You aren't alone.
mother of two
hg from wk 6 - daughter born in 1999
hg from wk 5 - son born in 2002
mandy
HG Diva
 
Posts: 2397
Joined: May 29, 2004 11:13 am
Location: south west england

Moved on also

Postby kmwilson » Oct 18, 2004 3:44 pm

I too have moved on. My youngest started preschool two days a week this year, and it is nice to have a break from him.

Although I love him very much, its nice to not be around two year olds all day. I'm working part-time and loving it. I feel so fulfilled to have the best of both worlds.

Good luck to all to find such peace too.
Kimberly
Kimberly
Frisco, TX
2 HG Pregnancies
Daughter 2000
Son 2002

HG began at 6-8 wks; Zofran from 12 wks until around 25-26 wks. Despite HG, I loved the miracle of birth.
kmwilson
New Member
 
Posts: 41
Joined: Jun 29, 2004 12:09 pm
Location: Frisco, TX

mandy - considered adoption?

Postby jemfromoz » Jan 11, 2005 7:24 am

Dear Mandy - You must be my long-lost twin. Your story (2 hg pregs, grieving chn you'll never have, refusal of vasectomy 'cos too young) mirrors my life exactly!! My doctor won't perform a vasectomy on my husband for the same reasons, but did suggest tubal ligation (because I am the one who gets sick?) It is amazing - you are on the other side of the world experiencing the exact same situation as me!
Since the terrible Tsunami disaster my husband and I have been considering overseas adoption to complete our dreamed-of family of 3-4 children. Is this an option you have considered? It hadn't even occured to us until then. The biggest hurdle is cost - apparently Aus. $30,000 to $40,000. It is still something we are looking into. Good luck to you!
Jem :)
From Australia, 2 hg pregs -
Milly (8yrs) + Gus (5yrs)
and getting clucky again -AHHHHH!
jemfromoz
New Member
 
Posts: 21
Joined: Jan 11, 2005 6:26 am

Postby mandy » Jan 21, 2005 9:13 am

Hi Jem,

Sorry I haven't recieved a message to say you had replied or I would have written sooner. I will Private Message you as this thread is soooo long now!
mother of two
hg from wk 6 - daughter born in 1999
hg from wk 5 - son born in 2002
mandy
HG Diva
 
Posts: 2397
Joined: May 29, 2004 11:13 am
Location: south west england

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