feeling sad about limiting family size

Discuss the triumph or heartache of not having more children, and the struggle to make that decision.

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feeling sad about limiting family size

Postby mandy » May 29, 2004 11:26 am

hi there,

Just looking for a little support. I have had two beautiful children through hg pregnancies. My husband and I have agreed to stick at two. He can't bear the thought of me going through it again although he would support me if I really wanted to. I have thought and thought about this. I don't want to go through it all again and I am completely happy with my two children. So we have booked for my husband to have a vasectomy. I just feel so sad and angry that my dream of three of four children is gone. I watch everyone around me have healthy perfect pregnancies and I feel so envious.

I just want to vent out and think and try to feel better about our decision I suppose. I know the right thing is for us to stop at two as not only did I have hg, but I also had pelvis problems which lead to me having physio and wearing supports for my pelvis from around 28 weeks. Very painful. Also the fact that I delivered a 9lb baby worries me, how big would the next one be?!! I suppose in a way I'm just grieving for the children I'll never had.

Sorry to moan. I am so grateful for the children I have. Thanks for reading this.
mother of two
hg from wk 6 - daughter born in 1999
hg from wk 5 - son born in 2002
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Hi!

Postby Ivydragon » May 29, 2004 11:38 am

Your post sounds just like Casey, who will be moderating this forum. She also wishes she could have had more children, and stopped at 2. I'll email her and let her know she has a post here - things have been a bit busy for her, so give her a bit, and I'm sure she'll be here.

You're not alone.

Hugs, Andy
Mom to Aaron 14 (HG), Anna 11 (HG), Adam 8 (adopted), Andrew 8 (adopted), fostering a newborn . . .
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Postby jenniz » May 29, 2004 2:35 pm

Hey Mandy,

Not only are you probably grieving the children you'll never have, but also that "perfect" pregnancy that is so elusive. I struggled for a long time with the decision of whether or not to have anoter baby. At this point in time (34 weeks along and still so very sick) I can't be confident that I made the right decision, because it sure doesn't FEEL like I made the right decision. But, when this baby makes his debut...just as with my twins, I know all will be good in the world.

I had a very long period of time where I had to do some serious soul-searching to deal with my feelings. It is a very difficult thing to know that your body has betrayed you in a time that is supposed to be a natural, joyous time in your life. Just working through the negative feelings that I had about my own body betraying me has helped me get through this pregnancy. I can't say that I am happy at this moment...I am actually quite miserable, and growing moreso by the day...but soon this will be a distant memory and I will be able to get back to normal and never have to do this again. It is sad to think that "this is it"...but after going through this again, I know that for my health...its the only choice to be made. Hugs to you, sister...work through those feelings...let yourself feel however you need to! :oops:
________
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Last edited by jenniz on Feb 17, 2011 7:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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feeling sad

Postby stephensmam » May 31, 2004 12:46 pm

Hi mandy,

dont worry you are not alone i too get very fed up and upset , I always wanted 3 children , but after my first pg i said never again i have gotten up the courage after 6 years to do this again but i know that this is so it ill never go throught this again, im fed up that i cant be normal im fed up with people saying oh your still getting sick arghhhh i just wish if we have to have hg that we only get it once and get to experience normal pg but thats not to be so we just have to struggle on , im so very sad that my son is 6 and only now getting a sibling if it wasnt for hg id of had a baby when he was 2 or 3 but the fear stopped me and only through the support i recieved here this child would never have been concieved so i know how you feel and im sad for you and for all of us.

nice to meet you

love
Jacqueline x

hg pg no 1 started at 5 weeks and continued till 3 days after delavery 28th april 1998
hg pg no 2 started a\t 5 weeks and currently 25 weeks and 3 days miserable :cry:
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Postby Noodles » Jun 01, 2004 9:09 am

Hi Mandy-
I also had a girl in '99 and a boy in '02. On May 3rd, my husband had a vasectomy. I was totally in favor of it as I knew I had no more pregnancies in me and we had always said we wanted two children anyway. But I wasn't prepared to feel so sad right after it was done. I'm very grateful for the two I have, and feel very fortunate that I made it through HG twice. I know we made the right decision for us. But I viewed the vasectomy almost as a necessity instead of a choice because I feel I absolutely cannot be pregnant again. I'm at peace with the decision, but can't say I'm completely happy about it.

You'll make the right choice for you and your family. Best of luck to you.

Kelly
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Postby mandy » Jun 01, 2004 12:35 pm

Thankyou to everyone who's posted here. Your support has brought tears to my eyes. Its amazing to come here and talk to people who understand when I don't know a single person, face-to-face, who has a clue how I really feel.

Thankyou Kelly. I had goose-bumps when I read your children's birth dates and your husbands had a vasectomy at a similar time too. I am already feeling upset at the dr appointment booked for monday, so I suppose this is a taster of how I'll feel when the deed is done! In my heart I know I can't have another child (for my sake and my husband and childrens' sake) and I don't want to take the pill forever.

You've all helped me to think this thing through and I do feel were doing the right (and only) thing for us.

Thanks, mandy x
mother of two
hg from wk 6 - daughter born in 1999
hg from wk 5 - son born in 2002
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hi mandy

Postby stephensmam » Jun 02, 2004 8:16 am

Hi again mandy,

I forgot to say had you considered getting an IUD in i had the merina coil in for 5 years and it was great i obiously never got pg but it just gives you another 5 years to think about having a child, i was so adament i was never getting pg again after having stephen i begged the dr to sterilise me im so glad he didnt now, but even though im determined that this one now is it im still giving myself the option so when this baby is born im getting the coil in again,

Im not trying to confuse you or change your decision in any way but i keeep thinking to myself what if they find a cure for hg in the next 5 years how will i feel if i or dh had been sterilised, i know its not likly that they will find a cure but there is a chance,

I hope i havent confused or upset you and im sure you and dh have thought about this so much and i wish you peace in whatever decision you make .
take care
love
lots of love and hugs Jacqueline
HG pg no 1 28/04/98 darling son Stephen ivs only,pnd
HG pg no 2 01/09/04 darling daughter Sarah ivs , zofran, steroids, meclizine, b6.http://lilypie.com/Kids_Birthday_code.p ... y_code.php#
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Postby Ruthy » Jun 02, 2004 9:23 am

Hi Ladies,

I am 11 weeks pregnant with my second child, and I have a daughter that is 2. My husband and I have also decided that this would be it for us. I am so scared that I will miscarry or something will be wrong with this baby. We had thought we would have 3 or 4 but the HG feels like it's killing me. It''s so important to me for my daughter not to be an only sibling, but I know I cannot deal with the HG again. Last night was really bad, I hit the wall so to speak. My husband found be sitting on the side of the tub bawling like I was going to die(I almost wished I did). I don't have the energy to play with my daughter, cook her a hot meal or even give her a bath. How does any child understand that? It breaks my heart how she is always wanting me to hold her latley. She wants nothing to do with my husband(guess she know he did this to me ha ha he). I know I will survive this, but I will never be the same and it breaks my heart that I will not have anymore babies. Kudos to those of you who are able to make it through 3 and 4 pregnancies.
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Postby mandy » Jun 02, 2004 12:46 pm

Hi Jaqueline,

I will read up about the coil. My mum told me of how she had a coil put in at the hospital and walking down the road on the way home it fell out! Put me off really! I'll get some info and talk to my husband.

I am really feeling clearer now. I think I was having a low time a few days ago, period due, son was poorly....... My sister-in-law has also announced her second pregnancy which inevitably got me thinking. I'm trying to look at what I've got and how amazing it is that I did it twice, rather than kicking myself for not being strong enough to go through it again. I also sat down last night and talked to my husband about my feelings. As wonderful as always the first thing he said is; "if you want to do it again I'll support you, you know I'll do anything that makes you happy." Its probably the best thing he can say because I spent the next twenty minutes telling him how I just can't do it! All these memories came flooding back and I just KNEW we really can't do it again.

Ruthy,
Just wanted to let you know that my daughter was two when I had my second pregnancy. I felt awful too at not be able to do the every day things for her. Luckily, at just two, she had absolutely no memory of any of it. It didn't affect her longterm at all. I'm sure your new baby will be just fine. When I was pregnant with my second I was terrified that after getting through the worst of hg at about 22 weeks, something would go wrong and I would of done it all for nothing. I think alot of us would feel like that. Hg babies are strong though.

Take care, mandy x
mother of two
hg from wk 6 - daughter born in 1999
hg from wk 5 - son born in 2002
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Postby aaronsmommy » Jun 03, 2004 9:29 am

Jackie,

I know what you mean. One of the major things that hyperemesis has taught me is that life is unpredictable, so I have a hard time with the idea of permanent birth control. I know we aren't having another, so I'm an IUD girl too.

There are so many things that are just as effective as geting your tubes tied, and the Mirena actually works better than permanent methods. I think some people like the sense of closure that a tubal brings, but if you don't care about that then why bother!

I'm sorry you are having such a tough time right now, I think that is so understandable. I think I cried every day at this point too, you've been doing it so long by now and yet it's still hard to see that the end will come. It's great that you have made it this far!

Aimee

AAAACK!! While I was writing Aaron was on the patio playing and I had no idea that his daddy left out a tray of oil based paint that he had to stick his hands in, speard all over his face and taste!!!!! Maybe one is enough!!!!!
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Postby stephensmam » Jun 04, 2004 12:32 pm

thanks wendy , i hope whatever decision you make gives you peace.

aimee thanks for the laugh , about aaron, its all ahead of me again lol im alright just as you say fed up now its gone on so long now, i just wish time would go a bit quicker.
lots of love and hugs Jacqueline
HG pg no 1 28/04/98 darling son Stephen ivs only,pnd
HG pg no 2 01/09/04 darling daughter Sarah ivs , zofran, steroids, meclizine, b6.http://lilypie.com/Kids_Birthday_code.p ... y_code.php#
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Postby PamelaRose » Jun 05, 2004 3:56 pm

Aimee, did the paint come off of him? LOL - I'm picturing him green, for some reason. :)

To all of you, I did manage to have all of the children we planned on. 3 was all I ever wanted, and I've got them here and perfect. In my heart I always had a crazy thought that #4 or even #5 might make a surprise appearance, but 3 was our official number, and I happily signed up for the tubal ligation before #3 was born. But I still struggle with the grief--I know so many women who were not FORCED to make the decision. I get very bitter about the women who are done having their children but keep their fertility because they "wouldn't dream of taking away the chance of more, just in case." There is a huge difference between using an IUD in the hopes that someday you can face HG again and using long-term birth control just in case you get a baby itch again in 5 or 10 years! I really feel cheated by HG--there is no way I could live with myself if I didn't do something permanent, and I'm frustrated that others can be judgemental of me for doing what was necessary for my and my family's sanity. I get unbelievably angry about women who have an insane number of children--so not fair!!!
Pamela

4-Time HG Survivor
*Brody (8-11-98 )
*Avery (1-24-01)
*Reilly (12-16-02)
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Postby mamabear » Jun 07, 2004 3:40 pm

I am in my 5th week of HG. I have decided I cannot do this again. I am talking to my husband about him getting a vasectomy. He says fine, he understands. I am so jealous of the other non-HG pregnancies of everyone I know. My neighbor even had twins recently and not even one day of nausea.
I am mourning all the children I wanted but will not let myself have biologically. We wanted 4, but will stop at 2. I am also very scared about my current pregnancy, because if anything goes wrong I know that I will absolutely not get pregnant again. I just can't do it again.

I hope to adopt maybe one day. Or perhaps surrogacy? I just know that I would rather die than go through HG one more time. Its very sad to want more biological kids, but have HG control your decision not to.
Laura
Cade 11/1/02 (HG from week 6 - week 16)
Teagan 1/6/05 (HG from week 6 - week 15)
Peanut edd 7/31/11 (HG from week 6 -
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Postby mandy » Jun 08, 2004 3:30 am

Hi everyone,

Went to the doctors today to talk about my husband getting a vasectomy. The doctor said a surgeon would probably refuse to do it (NHS or private) because my husband is only 31. Apparently they like men to be over 39. As I am only 28 and we just have two children we have a lot going against us. She said its because they get so many people changing their minds or splitting up and finding new partners that the surgeons have become wary.

I think if I wanted to be steralised (spelling?) they would do it as I'm the one who went through hyperemesis (although ofcourse my husband went through just as much if you ask me). My husband won't have me going under a general anaesthetic though when his op would be such a small one and I really don't fancy it myself.

So contraception it will be for the next few years. In a way its good because I feel the doctor has slightly taken the decision off of us. I can wait a few years.

Just thought I'd update anyone interested.
Thanks again for all the support. Mandy x
mother of two
hg from wk 6 - daughter born in 1999
hg from wk 5 - son born in 2002
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Postby dwtegli » Jun 08, 2004 11:14 am

Hi all,

I am in my third HG pregnancy and this is definitely my last. I wanted a tubaligation after my last who is 13 months old right now. My doc convinced me to wait six weeks, then I switched jobs, so I had to wait until after tax season. We waited to long, and wound up pregnant again. I cried for hours when we found out. We have two daughters and the little one had just started crawling and getting into everything and I had finally come to terms with DEFINITELY not wanting anymore, when BOOM.

However, the good news is, I am now five months and starting to feel better. We also found out that it is a boy so we will have two girls and a boy. I am definitely getting my tubes tied when I have this one. I told my doctor that "it was all his fault that we were pregnant again and that he was doing a tubal no matter what". He got a kick out of that and agreed to do it.

I understand not wanting to have a tubal if you always dreamed of more children. After my second, I entertained the thought of one more. Then I would think about how sick I felt, and my husband was against it. Once I finally convinced myself that I for sure didn't want anymore SURPRISE. To me it is amazing that I will now have three children. When my hubby and I started dating, I was convinced that I would never have children and we discussed adopting from day one. I had been married for three years to another man and was never on birth control and I never got pregnant. I just assumed I would never have kids. Well, after my current hubby and I had dated about three months, we found out we were expecting. Now we are expecting our third 9 years later. AMAZING.

I know how all of you feel about not doing it again. I would never have done it this time by choice. It has been my worst pregnancy so far. INcluding losing my job due to being sick.

I wish you all peace in whatever decisions you decide to make.
Wendy,
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Postby aaronsmommy » Jun 09, 2004 12:35 pm

I think the issue of control is very important for me. I used to have my life planned out and most things fell in to that plan. HG changed all of that.

I guess if I keep my IUD I still feel like I have some control over my repoductive choices. Not that I could ever take it out to get pg again, but at least I get to choose to leave it in.

My husband just asked what I was writing about and I told him. His comment was "so you're writing 'my husband feels like it would be selfish for me to die during pregnancy'"

(yeah it's me, just changing some things for the new forum!)
Aimee

Aaron 12/4/02
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Daughter Will Not Remember

Postby kmwilson » Jun 29, 2004 12:52 pm

Ruthy,

I too found myself feeling very guilty with my 2nd HG pregnancy. At first, I thought my 18-20 month old was the devil child, and then just realized, she was hitting two and I was pregnant, tired, and vomitting a lot. Then I realized not to blame her for my lack of energy and feeling bad. Then I blammed myself and felt guilty for putting her through a pregnancy.

However, I can honestly say that she is very joyful in the fact that she has a little brother. She was never jealous in the beginning, and only experiences the normal love-hate sibling relationship now that he is two.

Hang in there - you're giving your first-born a gift that she'll enjoy even after your husband and you pass away. Not to be morbid, but my one and only brother understands me more sometimes when my parents don't.

Take care and take it one day at a time.
Kimberly
Frisco, TX
2 HG Pregnancies
Daughter 2000
Son 2002

HG began at 6-8 wks; Zofran from 12 wks until around 25-26 wks. Despite HG, I loved the miracle of birth.
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Done?

Postby kmwilson » Aug 01, 2004 9:46 pm

It looks as though we're stopping at 2. Part of me wants to have another one. However, HG isn't the only deciding factor for us. My husband has been quite stressed the past two years, jobs have been reduced at his company, etc. Plus, we have been blessed with one of each.

The only way I had contemplated a third was he brought the subject up, and then I found this website. However, since then he has changed his mind without telling me. He knew it was his fault for getting me to consider another. I began to see if was obvious he'd changed his mind, so I offerred him the chance to say so. I'm not willing to want another and push him if he doesn't want one.

I too worry I'll be older and regret it, but I feel I'd regret talking him into it more. I wouldn't want him to ever wish we'd stopped. I guess I'm thinking it's better to stop wishing you'd had more, than to have more and wish you'd had less. I asked him today how he truly felt and if he could truly say he didn't want more, that I would accept that. He was worried I'd resent him for it; however, I explained that I loved him more than the idea of having another. I think another one has the potential to drive him into an early grave.

He is a wonderful husband, and wonderful father who provides us with anything and everything he can. However, quite frequently he seems depressed and unhappy with his job. Knowing that he makes good money that is lowering our credit card debt, he refuses to change careers. Every month he is angry and upset after paying the bills and seeing how quickly it all disappears.

I'm afraid another person to provide for just might overwhelm him. Besides, you know how they are. They aren't as paitent etc. as us, and it seems at times there's no way he could handle another one running around and hollering. tee hee.

Anyway, has anybody made such a decision to not have more and been just fine with it. Although there are many reasons to have another, there are so many reason why not to have one. Plus, my DH is my best friend and there is so much we hope to do together. Perhaps, its best to move on. I do admit each time my youngest passes a phase, it feels nice to know I don't have to experience it again (i.e. teething, learning to use a fork)

Any thoughts?

Kimberly
Kimberly
Frisco, TX
2 HG Pregnancies
Daughter 2000
Son 2002

HG began at 6-8 wks; Zofran from 12 wks until around 25-26 wks. Despite HG, I loved the miracle of birth.
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Feel like crying

Postby kmwilson » Aug 01, 2004 9:56 pm

I feel like crying but I don't want him to think I didn't mean what I said.

I told him if he really didn't want another, I'd be ok about it. We'd never say we didn't have more b/c daddy didn't want anymore etc., we just say we agreed not to have anymore.

I don't feel I'll resent him ever for being honest enough to say he doesn't really care to have more. I don't know that I just wanted another to prove to myself that I could do it better the third time armed with all the information given here, anyway.

I was completely happy with my lot, until he tested the waters and I found this site. Now I don't feel I can let myself down again without making him feel bad. Is this were we women are strong for all.
Kimberly
Frisco, TX
2 HG Pregnancies
Daughter 2000
Son 2002

HG began at 6-8 wks; Zofran from 12 wks until around 25-26 wks. Despite HG, I loved the miracle of birth.
kmwilson
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Postby mandy » Aug 02, 2004 3:47 pm

Hi,

It's 2 months since I posted here about wondering about having more, contemplating my husband having a vasectomy. I think I wanted him to have a vasectomy to take the on-going choice away from me - then we would not be ABLE to have a baby, therefore no more wondering and constant thinking about it. Two months down the line, I definately feel very sad about not carrying and giving birth ever again. I long for that wonderful, healthy pregnancy and fool myself into hoping I may not get hg again. Yeah right!

I have children of similar ages to you. I think it is hard to see your youngest leave baby-hood. Two seems such a 'big boy' age now. I also have one of each sex and thought this would definately cure any future broodiness. So naive!

I just want to offer support from someone going through similar thoughts at the same time. My husband does not want more children. Absolutely not. He finds our two a handful as it is, he is great with them but any more would most definately drive him mad! At the end of the day, though, he has put the ball in my court and left the final word on this decision to me. That was a very clever ploy because it made me feel I can't do it again and I can't chance a third putting pressure on our marriage when we are so happy now. Such a hard, hard, final choice. I am 28 and feel young to be putting my child-bearing years firmly behind me. In my heart though I know our two ARE enough for me, their wonderful, and we're happy.

Sorry for going on. I just felt similarities to you and I don't want you to feel alone out there with all this going on in your mind. You will make the right decision, thinking and crying will get you there. It has, and is, helping me.

Best wishes, Mandy xxx
mother of two
hg from wk 6 - daughter born in 1999
hg from wk 5 - son born in 2002
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